Serving Well - Jonathan Trotter

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to some.)

      • If you have kids, try to get away for twenty-four hours, because even twenty-four hours away can feel like forever. And when you’re away, don’t talk about work or the kids. (And if you don’t have anything to talk about besides work and the kids, take that as a sign that you need to get away more often!)

      • Read a book about marriage. I’m continually amazed at how little effort we put into the one relationship that we want to be the deepest and longest and best.

      • If a book is too much, check out The Gottman Institute on Facebook. Follow them and read an occasional article.

      Dudes, remember this: your wife lives here too. If you’re doing great but she’s really struggling, you gotta push pause and figure it out. Are you both thriving? And when it comes to arguing, remember the age-old adage our marriage therapist said over and over and over: “If one person wins, the couple loses.”

      Parenthood

      We moved to Asia when our boys were six and seven and our girls were one and three. And the loss of how I used to parent nearly killed me. Really. Most Saturdays, I’d get depressed and overwhelmed by all the good we had left behind. Here’s a snapshot of what helped me:

      • Be Creative. Early on in transition, creativity is very hard to come by. You’re exhausted and on the edge already, so ask around. Ask other parents, “What do you do for family time here? Where?” Just remember, what works for one family might not work for your family. That’s okay. Find the things that work for your family, and then do those things. Boldly. Remember, use other parents and their ideas, but don’t judge yourself by other parents and their ideas. Some ideas will work for others that will not work for you. Figure out what’ll work for your family, then do those things.

      • Be Crazy. The Cambodians think we’re crazy, and maybe they’re right. We have a badminton court on our roof and a ping pong table in our garage. And we use our moto as a jet ski during rainy season. Maybe I am crazy, but I’m also not depressed.

      • Spend Cash. If you need to spend some money to share a fun experience with your family, spend it. And don’t feel guilty about it. Now, if you feel like God doesn’t want you to spend it, then don’t. But if you’re afraid of spending money because of what your donors might think, that’s a pretty good reason to go ahead and spend it. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking that the most important question when discussing a family activity is, “What will our supporters think?” That question destroys kids.

      4. Living Well Abroad: Psychologically

      At various points in our overseas journey, Elizabeth and I have needed debriefing, coaching, and counseling. In fact, so many of the good things in our life and ministry have been directly influenced by specific psychological help.

      One area that’s so simple (and important) to talk about is meta-emotions. Simply put, meta-emotions are what you feel about feelings. Don’t freak out on me just yet. I know this sounds like a Pixar movie. But honestly, a healthy question that we need to ask much more often is this: How do I feel about what I’m feeling?

      For example, if you feel angry at your host country and then feel guilty for feeling angry, your feelings of guilt will actually block you from dealing with the root of your anger. Does your anger make you feel like a bad person? A bad Christian? Like you’re a failure because you don’t even like the people you came to serve?

      You see, how you feel about your feelings will make a huge difference with how you handle them. Do you keep talking to God about your feelings? If you’re ashamed of your feelings or believe that you shouldn’t have them, chances are your praying will cease forthwith. And that’s not cool.

      An illuminating question in all of this is, “How were emotions handled in my family of origin? Did I grow up in an emotion-coaching home, where emotions were safe and expression was easy? Was I taught how to feel and name and share my feelings?” If so, that’s awesome. It’s also pretty rare.

      Did you grow up in an emotion-dismissing home? Were emotions anything but safe? Did you hear, “Don’t be sad/angry/whatever?” In your family, did emotions hurt people? If so, I’m sorry. The first step is to acknowledge that this is the case, and maybe see a counselor.

      Why does this matter? Because meta-emotions will massively impact what you do with your feelings, and what you do with your feelings will massively impact how you do with life abroad.

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      This material was originally presented at an international church in Phnom Penh. It is now available as a podcast. Just search iTunes for “trotters41” and look for “Living Well Abroad.”

      The Journey to Feel Starts Small

      by Elizabeth

      Before my husband and I moved overseas, we met with a pastor who specializes in counseling ministers and overseas workers. At the very first session, he launched into ideas like pain, connection, and empathy. I was both unfamiliar and uncomfortable with much of the emotional language he spoke, but I was too embarrassed to admit I didn’t know what in the world he was talking about. So I just sat there, nodding my head silently.

      As we continued with the counseling sessions, however, I realized that the reason I didn’t understand the language of the heart was because I had shut off my own emotions. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain, so I simply turned off my ability to feel—thereby avoiding the pain altogether. Our counselor described this phenomenon as an “intellectually locked heart” or a “head-heart-disconnect.”

      How had I disconnected my head from my heart? For starters, I had grown up in a military family that moved frequently. Each time I was at a new school, the other kids didn’t accept me. I often found myself alone and in want of friends. Weary of rejection, I turned instead to academics, burying myself in books and living inside my own head, where pain couldn’t touch me. Then in high school, I developed an eating disorder. Addiction to academics and weight control were two of the ways I avoided dealing with my emotions.

      I looked good on the outside, though. I was a dedicated student and high-achiever. I was a “good girl” who stayed away from big, obvious sins. But I couldn’t relate to others without fear, and I couldn’t trust God to love and save me on his merit, not mine. My life was all about earning and performing, and there was absolutely no place in that life for emotions.

      Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew happiness and joy, and was well-versed in emotions like anger, bitterness, and depression. But I had no ability to dip into the feelings underlying them: sorrow, sadness, grief, loss. I couldn’t feel my own painful emotions, so I couldn’t possibly feel the pain of others, which meant I couldn’t extend love to them, either.

      Meeting with that counselor was the beginning of my journey to feel. My heart was locked up so tightly that I needed someone to guide me through the process—I could not have found emotional healing on my own. The counselor led us in prayers to ask God for healing. I asked God to unlock my heart from its lifeless prison, and he did. Then both my husband and I asked Jesus to heal our own separate unresolved grief and loss. And heal he did.

      I began to see that Jesus was right there with me, as I moved from home to home, from school to school. Jesus was right there with me, through every bad thing that had ever happened to me. He was with me when other kids made fun of me. He was with me when I was excluded on the playground. He was with me every time I uprooted my life and moved again. He was there all along—I had never been alone.

      Jesus knew every teeny, tiny detail of my life, and he began giving me the emotional healing I needed. I could now see Jesus walking beside me through some of my most painful memories. His hand was clasped in mine

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