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ministry of the church. The pastor had hoped to see a church, after ten years, filled with people who would not have called themselves followers of Jesus before they connected with Music City. Instead, those people were a small and diminishing minority. His continuous reminder that this church was called to be “a people for God, for the sake of the world” began to seem like an idealistic dream that could not awaken to some kind of reality.

      Paul and other leaders had tried to work through all the blaming and rationalizing that comes with the process of self-examination. They attempted to address the deficiencies that were readily correctable in the church. Some suggested that the vision was flawed in the first place. Others claimed that the chemistry of the congregation was actually quite fine as it was, and maybe it needed to stay that way. Still others hoped that learning to reach out to those on the outside of the church would still somehow happen.

      Paul’s leadership team consisted of eight people. There were four members who served as the church’s board of directors, which was chaired by a straightforward businessman named Frank Osborne, who also devoted a Saturday a month to overseeing the church’s outreach to single mothers; Dean Mori, a young man with a sharp mind and a love for learning who served as his associate pastor; and three non-paid volunteers who brought oversight to significant areas of ministry in the church. A woman named Gracie Kline was one of these volunteer leaders and, although she and Paul often butted heads on issues of theology and church life, Paul appreciated her sharp mind and her dedication to the church. While the team experienced inevitable conflicts, most issues were resolved without bloodshed.

      One particular exchange, however, that took place on that team over a year ago continued to haunt Paul. It involved a man named Ralph Bennett who had just recently agreed to serve on the board. Paul had asked the team to engage in an open discussion about how the church might reach out to the local community. It was Ralph who responded first.

      “Paul, why is it so important to you to bring outsiders into our church?”

      Paul could feel his defenses rising up. “Ralph, it’s only important to me to the extent that I believe it is important to God. I think the Bible is pretty clear about our mission in the world.”

      “But I think your first priority as the pastor should be to take care of the people who are already here,” said Ralph.

      “I agree that caring for the church is important, but that’s something we all share in together. The pastor isn’t necessarily the only one who does that,” said Paul.

      “Paul, you are the pastor. It is your job to take care of the spiritual needs of the people of your church. This talk about reaching outsiders is fine—if that’s really what God wants—but not at the expense of the people.”

      “So are you saying that I neglect the people of the church?” Paul could feel his face redden.

      “Well, let’s just say that I think you are in danger of that. Besides—how do you know that God doesn’t want our church to be small?”

      “And why would God want that?”

      “Maybe God wants us to find out who we really are. Maybe we need to be in a safe place to do that. What if God doesn’t want us to bring in outsiders to mess with the chemistry that we have,” argued Ralph.

      “I just can’t identify with that, Ralph. I believe we are to care for one another, not to be a group that sees the pastor as some kind of parent figure. And I believe we are here to impact our world, and sometimes that will mean changing the chemistry.”

      Ralph leaned back in his chair and looked steadily at Paul. “I think you should really pray about this, Paul. There might be people who don’t agree with what you are saying and could even leave the church.”

      This exchange was uncomfortable for everyone in the room. Finally a couple of the other team members spoke up, fortunately coming to Paul’s aid. Frank Osborne was one who addressed Ralph directly.

      “Ralph, I can appreciate your concern about the people within the church receiving pastoral care—something that I hope we are all involved in—but I have to say that Paul’s interest in outreach is hardly something new. As I recall, it was a fundamental reason for starting this church in the first place.”

      When Ralph realized that he didn’t have the allies he had hoped for, he crossed his arms and remained quiet for the remainder of the meeting. Within the next month he and his family left Music City, taking a handful of people with them. On one level the departure saddened Paul. On another, it was a relief.

      The conflict with Ralph brought up a number of Paul’s fears. He knew he had strong feelings about certain things, like the purpose and goals of his church. But he feared the conflicts that seemed to inevitably come with his convictions. Paul’s greatest fear was to find himself facing a showdown with the leaders of his church only to find that he had been off-base the entire time. He hated that his self-confidence was so fragile. The confrontation with Ralph was, in retrospect, survivable for Paul because of the support of the rest of his board. Paul’s additional fear of finding himself standing alone in his beliefs was, at least for the time being, put back in its dark closet. But he was concerned about the effects of Ralph’s departure on Gracie, since Ralph’s wife, Sue, was Gracie’s close friend.

      Paul assumed the church could address its internal organizational issues without a lot of difficulty. Churches did it all the time and it was probably a good thing to go after the obstacles that might have surfaced in the life of the church. He also was aware that the overall culture had changed over the years. It was harder to reach unchurched people than it might have been in years past. The echo of Christian memory was diminishing in American culture even though the language of faith remained alive. This cultural change both alarmed and excited Paul because he was ready for change himself. As much as he loved the church in all its various expressions, he knew that its forms and sometimes distorted messages were not resonating with the people of the western world. There were bigger issues out there that went beyond the friendliness of the greeters or the comprehensive nature of the children’s programs. Stem cell research, cloning, and even issues related to American foreign policy were things that Christians were only beginning to come to grips with. The more pervasive sense of distrust in the larger, dominant stories of Christian faith and American destiny were on the block. They no longer held the prevailing consciousness of the culture. Paul often compared this cultural environment to trying to do business during a recession: One might need to use smarter business practices, but would still have to accept the larger reality that the economy was in a recession.

      As he considered some of those bigger issues, Paul began feeling like a man who had learned too late not only that he had caught the wrong bus, but that it was also heading off the edge of a cliff.

      2

      “Paul, thou art beside thyself;much learning doth make thee mad.”

      Acts 26:2, KJV

      Paul Philips often felt like a spiritual misfit. How he ever got into the situation of starting up a new church still puzzled him. His faith in Christ had come alive when he was a young high school student and by the time he started college he was pretty certain that some sort of vocational ministry was to be his path in life. He considered becoming a youth pastor and did some part-time youth work while he went to school. Being a youth pastor had seemed adventurous and exciting. He knew some youth leaders who were almost like celebrities among church groups. Paul thought that wouldn’t be a bad way to serve God.

      In high school Paul joined a parachurch ministry that reached out to kids in his school. It was fun and he felt like he had an increasing number of comrades in his new faith. The leaders were, for the most part, college students who served part time in this work. They were edgy and cool and the kids really responded to them. He loved how they kept everyone’s attention when they had group events, all of which ended with the inevitable call to follow Jesus. Somehow, responding to that call when it came from trendy people made standing up and going forward for prayer a little easier to do. Paul thought he might enjoy being admired by so many kids. He also thought that working with adolescents would fit nicely with his own love of fun.

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