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of the choices overwhelmed me. I put some mac and cheese on my plate, but no, I didn’t really want that. I then rotated my head, making sure no one was near, and scooped it into the garbage, then put a hot dog bun on my empty plate. I didn’t want that either, back to the garbage. Repeat. Besides completely wasting food, it was agonizing and embarrassing all at the same time. I wanted to call 911: “Police, please, I can’t seem to make a decision and I am about to have a panic attack. I can’t choose what to eat. Yes, you heard me right. What to put into my mouth.” Instead, I just stood there, doing this little dance between the buffet of food and garbage until I wound up with a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich (this was before peanut allergies were a prevalent thing, and something called “peanut butter” was offered with jelly at summer camps and school cafeterias nationwide). Panicked in the face of so many food choices, and afraid someone would notice and make a citizen’s arrest on behalf of wasted-food-kind, I became known as a picky eater. Every day that summer, I consumed:

      Breakfast—Raisin Bran with skim milk

      Lunch—One peanut butter and jelly sandwich

      Snack—Nothing

      Dinner—One peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a

       cheese sandwich

      Snack before sleep—Nothing

      There was no deviation. The camp had a kitchen staffer make me a sandwich for each meal. When my bunk was called to get food, I would go off on my own through the double doors leading to the kitchen. Peter, who ran the kitchen, would bring me my sandwich, and I’d take it back to the table where my bunkmates gorged themselves on French fries and tapioca pudding and sloppy joes. With each bite of soft white bread, I’d savor and swoosh the sandwich in my mouth. I knew I couldn’t eat again until the next meal, so I had to hold on to each mouthful as long as I could. Everything was new—living on my own, meeting new people—but the sameness of my food numbed me like a sedative, dulling the homesickness, the social anxiety, making me feel more at ease.

      When I began to lose weight, it was noted that my activity level surpassed my nutritional intake. To try to counteract what was happening, the infirmary made me have Carnation Instant Breakfast once a day to help keep my weight stable, but that didn’t work. While campers were getting their morning medicines, I was getting a waxy paper packet of vanilla calorie supplement. I allowed myself to break my newfound diet regimen because the flavor reminded me of home, of Saturday afternoon milkshakes with my mom and dad at TGI Fridays after a soccer game. Done with the performance anxiety—the pressure I put on myself to play well, to be the best on the field—I treated myself. To make it last longer, I poured only a tiny splash of skim milk in, to make it into a pudding-like substance instead of a drink. I would then scoop each bite into my mouth as slowly as possible, savoring it so long the packet would sometimes last for an hour.

      I was like the little engine that couldn’t. The day I fainted, my train had to use its emergency brakes. I didn’t have the fuel to go on anymore the way I was, and my body broke down. Revving choo choo no more, my small train officially derailed. The counselors, and even the doctor at home, had seen this happen before. A very active child in summer camp tended to lose weight. The truth was, I was always hungry, but I needed my patterns and rituals much more than I believed I needed food. Plus, I was over my big caboose holding me back.

      FULL Life, May 2013

      Sitting in front of a blank computer screen, I tapped my pencil twice on my desk and slipped it behind my ear, pulling my long thick curls behind with it. I wanted to make a difference so badly but was not sure how.

      WHERE IS MY PLACE? I wrote in big bold letters on the paper in front of me and then placed the pencil back behind my ear.

      There must have been a reason I survived. I needed to tell the reason I am here and not in the ground, dead—to help other people struggling. Too morbid for a Facebook post?

      I had decided to raise awareness by doing the first thing that came to mind that has reach—make a Facebook page. I wanted to mobilize people toward a shared goal of physical and mental fullness; I called it Living a FULL Life, but so far I had posted nothing. Except for a profile picture: me, hair in a tight bun, smiling wide, pointing to the lettering on my blue shirt—“Nobody’s Perfect” in thick white letters. I wanted the page to raise awareness about eating disorders by inspiring others to live a full life—a life that is centered on physical, mental, and emotional health, with an eating disorder in the rearview mirror, because it is possible.

      Well, here goes, first post ever…

      I have known my intention with this page but have been trying to figure out how to go about it. I want to help fight the stigmas surrounding eating disorders: they are self-imposed superficial diets and are all about being as thin as possible. FALSE! I think it is important that people should NEVER live in shame about their struggles and know they can ask for help with no judgment. Eating disorders are a disease like cancer, I was once told by a professional on the subject. However, people remain “in the closet” on this topic because of the negative stigmas. I think the best method to recovery is to share your story, own it, and let others know that they are not alone and can live a full life without their ED. I think my personal struggle with anorexia and bulimia wouldn’t have gone as far as it did if I had known this.

      Also, we live in a skinny obsessed society. It’s time to accept people of all shapes and sizes and know that you are beautiful for who you are. No one is perfect, but you are a perfect version of you. There is no one else in this world like you and that is amazing. Let’s fight this battle together.

      I clicked Post and sat back in my chair.

      What is living a full life exactly? Having anorexia or bulimia, or vacillating between the two, you are emptying yourself or trying to achieve an empty feeling through starvation or purging. Living a full life is a life where you aren’t starving anymore—starving for acceptance and love from others and yourself. It’s a life where you are feeding your mind and soul with good thoughts and foods. It’s a life without your eating disorder. With our eating disorders, we are empty of opportunity, growth, challenge, and possibility. Living a full life means filling up our lives again with immense potential, happiness, and achievement.

      It’s a life where you make mistakes, and you are not hard on yourself for those mistakes. A life where you are self-aware enough to go against your negative thoughts and outside your comfort zone and are able to make healthy decisions. It’s a life where you are able to nourish your body and soul with nutritious and delicious foods, and fuck it, if you want dessert, you are going to have it and not think twice. A life where you can beat your eating disorder at its own game of shame, guilt, and manipulation and realize that life isn’t a losing battle. Your battle is just a small part of you; it doesn’t define you. Once you beat it and own it, so you are held accountable to yourself and others about that struggle, you will become immensely stronger and well on your way to being full.

      This book is that journey.

      Chapter 2

      Hello, Anorexia

      Just as the doctor had predicted, back home in the fall, everything went back to normal. I was eating without limitations and with variety again and got back to a normal weight: a weight approved by all adult parties. The weight gain didn’t bother me all that much. I was at home, surrounded by sameness and by people I loved. The soothing effect of starving was no longer necessary.

      But once I got to sixth grade, that need to control would come back with a vengeance, and my parents being around would not be enough to keep the ED voice at bay. You can’t silence me forever. Actually, voice, yes I can, but I wasn’t quite there yet…

      With the change of schools from elementary to middle school, and the quadrupling of my class size, nothing was predictable anymore.

      Elizabeth was already dieting, munching on baggies of celery and slices of fat-free Kraft Singles while the other kids gobbled up trays of greasy cafeteria pizza. This confused me, as I thought she was gorgeous already, with her long straight brown hair and feline cheekbones, but her mom was the kind of health nut

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