LITMIR.BIZ

      two

      I spent the first few weeks of that summer in my friend Willie’s attic watching him smoke pot while listening to Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Please do not read anything into that title; it was my album but I assure you I did not wish my dad was here or anywhere. I was fine with wherever he was.

      Willie was my best friend at the time. He was also a big fat fuck. Like really very fat. Slob fat.

      To maintain his level of obesity, every night around nine or nine thirty we’d walk over to Christy’s on Northern Boulevard and eat cheeseburgers. Willie would sometimes eat two, but usually he would eat three. With double cheese, bacon, and fries. And one or two vanilla milkshakes. His record was four burgers, four orders of fries, and four milkshakes. This triumphant milestone of human achievement was reached on the fourth of July that same summer. Willie considered it an act of high patriotism.

      Each time we went to Christy’s, I would hope that we would luck into the-waitress-with-the-long-red-hair’s station. I had a huge crush on her. One night, after we ordered our food I tried to strike up a conversation with her. I asked if she was just beginning her shift or if she was finishing up for the night. She didn’t really answer me, she just smiled and said, “Cute,” kind of under her breath.

      I got hot and my face must have flushed red. I had given myself away; cards on the table. She knew how I felt now and I was glad.

      This was a much bigger moment than it seems because it was so out of character for me. I was very, very shy around girls my age and downright petrified of older girls, even if they were only juniors or seniors at school. This was a whole other league: the-waitress-with-the-long-red-hair was in her mid-to-late twenties. She was a woman.

      I don’t know where the courage came from. Maybe all the stuff with my dad had given birth to a fuck it kind of attitude in me. I’m not really sure.

      When she walked away from the table Willie was staring at me with his fat mouth big and dumb and open. It looked like a baby’s mouth that had grown to premature adulthood through some sick, unholy scientific experiment. His tongue was wet and swollen. I assumed he was hungry and wondered if that’s how his tongue always looked on an empty stomach.

      I had never told Willie that I liked her or thought she was hot. She had never come up in conversation and the times she waited on us in the past I stayed cool and composed. Willie stared at me and I noticed that even his eyelids were fat. He looked at me, gargantuan mouth all slack, then craned his neck to look at her. She was behind the counter calling out our order to the little cook with the big mustache. Willie turned the column of flesh beneath his head back at me.

      A high-pitched “Ha” came out of his hippo mouth, only it wasn’t really a “Ha,” it was more like an “Ah.” Whatever it was, it was a laugh, specifically the kind of laugh you make when you want somebody to feel like an idiot.

      “Don’t tell me you like her.”

      I didn’t say anything in return.

      “She’s hideous.” This from an acne-picking sixteen-year-old, wide as he was tall. He looked at her again, then at me, and repeated: “She’s hideous.”

      It was those two words that made me hate Willie forever. It was also those same two words that made me realize what a moron I had been hanging out with and that I owed it to myself to seek out some friends who had a brain that at the very least functioned with a standard level of human intelligence.

      The-waitress-with-the-long-red-hair was beautiful. There’s no doubt in my mind that she could have been in magazines or on television instead of filling the troughs of adolescent swine like Willie. She was a knockout; her appearance unique and unconventional. Tall with bold features, like the Greeks and Romans. A classical beauty. Special.

      “Look at her eyes . . . she’s fucking bug-eyed. I think it’s a birth defect. Maybe even a thalidomide case . . . I’d check her for flippers.”

      He finally closed his mouth. He looked like a cheap comedian waiting for the audience to laugh. I wanted to punch the shit-eating smile right off his face. Willie was so fucking stupid. She had incredible eyes. They were big and blue and round. And when she looked at you they grabbed you and held you and said so much. Even if it was just for a second.

      I was quiet for a long time. I just sat there poking the ice in my Coke.

      “She’s also like forty years old, Matt. She can change your diapers.” He shook his head and let out another high pitched “Ha” or “Ah” or whatever the fuck it was.

      My ears felt very warm. They must have been bright red. I just kept peering down at my Coke, playing with the straw, pushing the ice around my glass.

      “To be honest, she’s quite mannish. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s got a cock and balls.”

      I never wanted to see Willie again. I wanted to grab the chicken drumsticks from the table of the next booth and shove them down Willie’s throat. I’d hold them in place till he turned blue then force him to apologize to the-waitress-with-the-long-red-hair. But I just sat there and chewed on some ice.

      She brought us our dinner. It was a three-burger night for Willie. I couldn’t look at her and I sure as fuck couldn’t look at Willie. He had this smug smirk across his face. He could barely contain himself. After she put our food on the table she paused for a second—I think she was waiting for me to look at her. I’m sure Willie was waiting for me to look at her too.

      “Do you boys have everything you need?”

      Willie snorted through his nose and coughed up some milkshake. Then he looked up at her. “I’m fine but my friend here may need something. Do you need anything, Matthew?”

      He never called me Matthew. My head and neck were on fire and my legs were shaking. I shook my head; no, I didn’t need anything except to smash this whole plate over my best friend’s head and watch him bleed to death, buried in cheeseburgers, ketchup, and french fries.

      “Okay then, enjoy your burgers.”

      She walked away and Willie burst into laughter. His head was bobbing up and down like the blow-up Bozo punching bag I had when I was little. You’d punch him as hard as you could and he’d hit the floor and come back up only to get punched hard again. If only . . .

      I was hoping his bobbing head would land his face right into his food

Скачать книгу