LITMIR.BIZ

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of Bess’s actions. All I know is I am in the arms of the one person I have trusted to love me without reserve—my Bess. I cannot fault her for anything now, nor can I blame my father for loving her. My sense of right and wrong has been thwarted. I do not know what game I have been thrust into. I have yet to ascertain the character of the players.

      I only know that I am one of them. My mother’s words ring in my ears. Self-preservation, Mary…

      With effort I extract myself from Bess’s embrace and know that as I leave her I am leaving all vestiges of childhood behind me.

      3

      Farewell to Kenninghall

      I ride away with my father’s armed retinue, watching my childhood home become a small black speck on the horizon. Mother rides in a covered litter with the curtains drawn. I asked to sit beside her but was refused, as she prefers her privacy.

      “Soon you will not see it at all,” Norfolk says in reference to Kenninghall as he sidles up beside me. He looks formidable on his black charger, though in lieu of armor he wears the fine furs and velvets of a much-favored courtier. The heavy cloak envelops his slight personage and he appears more solid. He holds the reigns with one slim-fingered hand while the other rests on the hilt of his sword.

      “Stop looking back,” he tells me. “Howards do not ever look back; we press onward. No matter the circumstances. Onward.” He gestures for me to look ahead and I do, taking in the fields that surround us; they are barren and gray. Winter is pondering its arrival. It teases us with a scattering of snowflakes now and then. I shiver. I wish we were traveling in the spring when the landscape has more to offer.

      So far what is ahead looks bleak. I am at once clutched in anxiety’s sadistic fist. What if I do not fit in at court? What if no one likes me? Kenninghall may not have been an exciting place, but along with Tendring and Hunsdon—my other childhood homes—it was familiar. I had my lessons. I played with my brother and Bess. Now I am plunging into a life alien to me. My father is foreign to me. I have only seen him a handful of times. I want to impress him; I want him to be proud of me. Yet he frightens me. His brutality toward Mother, his tenderness toward Bess…I cover my mouth to stifle a sob.

      “Are you ill, Mary?” Norfolk asks.

      “No, my lord,” I say quickly. I avert my head. I do not want him to see my tears.

      “You have not been made accustomed to long rides,” he comments. “You must be tired. Come.” In one effortless movement he leans down and scoops me right off my saddle, setting me in front of him. I stiffen, unsure of how to conduct myself. He is my father, but he is also the intimidating soldier-duke. He is the man who beat my mother and made love to my maid in the same afternoon. But he is also the man we are taught to worship and long for.

      I lean back, giving in to the need to rest against something. His chest is warm; I feel his beating heart against my back. I look down at his hand, a hand of such perfection it could have been the model for a statue, with its strong tapering fingers and subtle blue veins snaking like rivers beneath his tanned skin. It is the hand of a scholar and soldier. The thought sobers me. This hand is capable of much cruelty.

      Now it rests about my waist, quite nonthreatening. In a moment forged out of the desperate need for reassurance, I reach out and take it in my own.

      “I am so glad to be with you, Father,” I tell him, and in that moment I am filled with the utmost sincerity.

      He pauses. “I have been shown your embroidery. Quite fine,” he says. “And I am told you have a nice ear for the virginals and dance prettily. At court you shall learn all the new dances. It is vital that you study all the womanly arts, Mary. It is also important to keep up with your education. It pleases me to learn that you are a good reader and know your letters.”

      “In English and Latin, sir,” I brag, trying to mask my hurt that he has not yet told me he is glad to be in my company. Perhaps, because he is first a soldier, he does not know how to return a compliment.

      “The most important thing to remember, Mary, is to keep your cousin Anne happy. Serve her, please her, whatever she wants. She is favored by the king and our family’s hopes lie with her,” he goes on to advise. “But as high as Anne is raised, never forget who the head of this family is. Never forget who your first allegiance is with; that it is your goodly and Christian duty to obey your father always. Swear to me, Mary. Swear to me your obedience and fidelity in all things.”

      “I swear,” I say, unnerved by the intensity of his tone.

      “Good,” he says. “Very good.”

      He squeezes my hand.

      I shall be everything he wants, I think to myself. I shall work very hard so that someday he will look at me and say Mary, I am so glad to be with you.

      4

      London!

      How is it I, little Mary Howard, can be so fortunate as to enter this fairest of cities? My heart is swollen with joy as I behold all the sights and smells of this magical place. It is so very big! Tears sting my eyes as I behold beggars on the street, but my eyes are filled with as much excitement as compassion when they are drawn to the fine ladies and gentlemen that stroll the market, many of whom I have been assured are mere servants from the palace. If the servants are garbed in such finery, then how must it be for the true set!

      Most of the streets are dirt but some are cobbled, and I love the sound of our horses’ hooves as they strike against them. I ride my own pony now, sitting straight and proud. Some of the fishwives and other ladies of the market shout blessings out to me and I imagine that this is how the Princess Mary must feel when she travels about in the open.

      I firmly believe that God chose England as the spot to place His most beautiful river, the Thames. In its shimmering waters float barges and little rowboats. I squirm in delight, longing to be a part of it. Ahead I can see London Bridge and the approaching Tower, where all the fair kings and queens stay upon their coronations.

      “It’s not all a tale from faeries’ lips,” one of Norfolk’s pages tells me. He is young; not much older than my brother Henry. I estimate him to be about fourteen. “See that river? Every day they pull hundreds of bodies out of it. And the pretty Tower? Below it are some of the most gruesome dungeons ever constructed. They torture people on the rack and—”

      “Enough!” I cry, urging my pony forward. I refuse to think of anything unpleasant as I make my debut into London.

      But somehow the day is a little less sunny, the river a little less sparkly.

      And the Tower is a lot darker.

      Westminster is a bustling palace! There are people everywhere. Up and down the halls rush servants and heads of state, foreign dignitaries, and courtiers more beautiful in person than I could ever have imagined. As we walk down the halls, I note that my father is greeted with a mixture of aloofness and what I would call sugared kindness. He greets them all the same; with no expression and a grunt of acknowledgment.

      I have to refrain from skipping. Norfolk walks with a brusque, determined step and I am all but running to keep up as it is. My face aches from smiling as I take in all the beauty around me.

      “Don’t be a fool, Mary,” Norfolk says sotto voce when he catches my expression of bewildered joy. “You haven’t just stepped out of a stable. Behave as though you’re accustomed to some level of refinement.”

      I sober immediately, swallowing tears. He is right, I remind myself. I must do the family proud. It would not do my father much credit to appear ignorant before the court.

      As we walk we encounter an older woman accompanied by a small entourage of ladies. She wears a somber blue gown and a long mantilla over her graying auburn hair. Her blue eyes are soft and distant. She clutches a rosary in her thin hand and every step she takes seems laden with weariness.

      My father sweeps into a low, graceful bow. “Your Grace,” he says in a gentle

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