Flower Mat - Shugoro Yamamoto

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was not good. He had deeply knit eyebrows and a gloomy expression. Normally he was gentle, but if he got angry he had a hot temper which nobody could control. Being the nearest to her age, this was the brother to whom she was closest.

      Bennosuke came close to her, avoiding her eyes, and asked in a low voice, "Did mother tell you anything?"

      "She asked me to stay with her for a while," Ichi said. "She was very insistent, as if she had some strong reason for it. Has something happened between our family and the Kugatas? Do you know something, Bennosuke?"

      "Return to the Kugatas immediately." He was avoiding her eyes. "You'd better not come here for a while."

      "You say I'd better not come here . . . then something has happened."

      "I guess it will blow over peacefully. It's nothing you should worry about. Go home without saying anything to mother." He looked at his sister."I think you've gained weight. I hope there's nothing wrong with your health."

      "I have a message from Kyunosuke. He says that he's longing to see the Seishukufu."

      Bennosuke's eyes widened and looked astonished or frightened. "You'd better leave right away," he said. He left in the direction from which he had come.

      Ichi was unable to understand the situation. But her uneasiness was growing, and she decided to follow her brother's advice without delay. His suggestion that she leave without saying anything to their mother hastened her decision.

      She quietly called her maid, who had been waiting for her in the servants' room, and told her to get ready. She went out by the side gate, still wearing the kimono into which she had changed. She did not like to leave her wet things there, but she was sure that if she went in to get them she would be noticed by her sister-in-law, so she gave up the idea.

      She left the house without being seen, but she was frightened, and hurried along the street as if she were being chased by someone. Her heart beat rapidly, and her eyes began to water, since the sun was still bright. Ichi wiped away the tears with the red cloth, but she was unable to wipe away her dark foreboding.

      What has happened? What will happen now? she wondered. Should I have said good-bye to my mother? Why did Bennosuke look so surprised when he heard the word Seishukufu? I don't understand. But something unusual and possibly dreadful is going on.

      "You're not walking fast enough." Ichi hurried her maid along with frequent urgings.

      Footnote

      * "The lady" is the wife of the master of the house, e.g., Ichi's mother. "The younger lady" here is the wife of a son of the family, i.e., one of Ichi's sisters-in-law. A married son and his family always lived in his parents' home.

      * Hakama:a pleated skirt for men's formal wear.

      3

      

ICHI'S uneasy feeling persisted fordays, and she could not talk about it to anyone. She constantly studied the , demeanors of her husband and Kyunosuke, searching for a hint or a sign of what was going on, but to no avail. Her nerves were strained ; she would leap to her feet at the slightest sound, and had terrible dreams in the night, when she would be mercifully awakened by her husband. But since nothing happened and the Kugata family seemed little changed, her worries gradually eased.

      She thought about her own family, which she had left without a word. She had immediately sent them a message that she had become ill. Her mother had sent her the bundle of clothes left behind, with a note urging Ichi to take care of herself. The messenger had returned the following day and inquired about her health.

      When she told Kyunosuke that she had given his message to her brother, he too seemed unconcerned, saying, "Oh, thanks." When she put these things together in her mind, it all seemed very natural, and the only definite cause for her anxiety appeared to be Bennosuke's words. Now she was not even certain that the atmosphere of the Okumura house had changed.

      Since the season of young leaves, Ichi had acquired the habit of waking up at midnight and being unable to go back to sleep for some time. She would lie wide awake and, should she try to force herself to sleep, would perspire in a strange way. Then she would feel a strong urge to see her husband's face, and her heart would become heavy.

      Her husband slept in the next room, which was separated from hers by a sliding door. She would feel relieved if she could hear him sleeping or breathing, but he always slept peacefully, in a way that would have impressed even Iso, and he slept so quietly that it sometimes made her wonder whether he was awake. She suppressed her desire to see him, thinking that it was simply too indecent, but one night she couldn't suppress it any longer.

      She got up and opened the door quietly. A light from the floor lamp, which had been dimmed, was shining softly on Shinzo, sleeping on his back with the bed cover pulled up to his chin. His long, tight face with clearly marked eyebrows made people feel his strong, almost cold will, but when he was sleeping his lips became tender, and a soft warmth appeared on his long-lashed eyes and on his cheeks, a warmth which tempted her to go close to him.

      Ichi felt a strong thirst in her throat, a kind of burning, irritated feeling, and an aching itch in her body. But suddenly and without any apparent reason, a terrible suspicion seized her, a feeling that her husband was not interested in her and that he would someday go away. She shook her head, saying to herself that this was impossible, but thoughts shook her mind like the shout of someone she could not see.

      What kind of a person are you for this man ? Does being a husband, or being a wife, really link the destiny of two people so tightly? What does it really mean, being husband and wife? What am I worth to my husband? Have I really been loved by my husband?

      Ichi began to tremble. A man named Shinzo Kugata existed far, far from her ; they were united only by a frail bond which could easily snap. Her husband had never loved her, and would never love her, and he must go away somewhere, leaving her behind. . . .

      Her growing sadness caused Ichi to sob. Sitting on the floor and pressing both hands to her eyes, she cried with abandon. Shinzo heard her and turned to her. He did not speak at once, but watched in puzzlement. Then he asked in a gentle voice, "What are you doing here at this time of night?"

      "Oh!" Ichi almost leaped to her feet.

      Shinzo halfway rose from the bed and asked, "Ichi! What's happened? Are you ill?"

      "No, no." She shook her head and tried to stand, moving backward. The thing which had filled her mind was now flowing out like a torrent. She fell forward on her face, wracked with sobs, caring nothing about her embarrassing position. "It's nothing," she cried.

      Shinzo watched intently. The fresh curves of his wife's young body gave her a coquettish beauty in the dim light, a beauty filled with the life, power, and pride of a woman who had finished the ceremonial tying of the maternity obi at the beginning of the fifth month of pregnancy.

      "You'll get cold if you stay there," said Shinzo, as if admonishing a child. "Come in here, I'll warm you." He turned back the corner of the bed cover.

      "I shouldn't get in," she thought, "it's really too indecent." But despite her thoughts, Ichi's body was already sliding in next to her husband's.

      How thankful she was later that she had had the power in her body to do this at the time ! She had been able to experience a feeling which hitherto had not been fully awakened in her. It overwhelmed her with a powerful ecstasy, with convulsions not unlike those which accompany death, and it penetrated to the very depths of her body and mind. This sensation was so overwhelming that her whole mental outlook changed. A great surge of self-confidence, pleasure, and pride swept over her—pride in being Shinzo's wife.

      Her habit of waking up at midnight, however, lasted for some time. Usually she waited a time for sleep to return, but whenever it seemed hopeless, she went to Shinzo for help. Her husband would smile at her as though dandling her like a baby, and would quietly make a place for her in his bed. Ichi would modestly slide in and lie close to him. Her husband's body heat and his rather strong

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