LITMIR.BIZ

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      “A tragedy, surely,” Miss Bentwhistle allowed. “But a scandal, why?”

      “They say he was resurrected.”

      “Resurrected?”

      “Resurrected!” The rector’s stout tenor pitched two octaves north. “Miracles are well and good in their proper place. But their proper place is in the Bible. They don’t belong now. And they don’t belong in London, Ontario. And even if they do, they most certainly don’t at a Pentecostal freak show.”

      Miss Bentwhistle’s bum hurt. She rolled to her side. “Harvey, dear, what time is it?”

      “Miss Bentwhistle, I don’t think you appreciate the seriousness of the situation. If this miracle is believed, what temptations lie in store for followers of the true Cross? Who may be led into prophecy? Or tongue-speaking? Good Lord, tent evangelists are next to pagan! Rumours of this so-called ‘resurrection’ must be discredited! Squashed!”

      “I see. And you have called upon me to set the record straight?”

      “Well naturally I’ve called you. Who else would I call? After all, you —”

      Miss Bentwhistle placed the receiver on her bedside table and sucked a lozenge. She had no need to listen to the rector of St. James prattle on about her importance to the community. As he had pointed out, who else could be called on a matter of such importance? She was, after all, the last of the Bentwhistles, a family of United Empire Loyalist stock that traced its lineage to a barony in the north of England — in commemoration of which the Academy dining hall boasted a Bentwhistle Coat of Arms and Family Tree as certified by the Heralds’ College of Westminster, inscribed on parchment in gilt with the royal seal, thank you very much — and that had established and maintained the social parameters of local society since the end of the eighteenth century.

      Without question, Miss Horatia Alice Bentwhistle knew that she was the one to be called. The voice on the end of the line appeared to have petered out. Miss Bentwhistle retrieved the receiver. “Never fear, Harvey,” the dowager sighed grandly. “I shall address the situation as is my duty. I am, after all, a Bentwhistle.”

      “Yes, and the girl’s employer.”

      The lozenge stuck in Miss Bentwhistle’s throat. “Beg pardon?” she choked.

      “The miracle worker. It’s Mary Mabel McTavish. She’s yours!”

      Miss Bentwhistle reached for the smelling salts.

      Ten minutes later, she stood naked before her bedroom mirror, considering the weight of responsibility under which she laboured as she girded her loins for the confrontation at hand.

      She had already rung the porter, instructing him to summon Mary Mabel and her father to the office. They’d be there this very moment, sweating. Let them sweat. An hour more and she’d descend to tell that brat, in no uncertain terms, that in the laying-on of hands she had exhibited inappropriate behaviour, and in so doing had threatened the hard-earned reputation for sobriety and moral rectitude of the Bentwhistle Academy, indeed of the Bentwhistle family itself. Let the trumpet sound. There would be hell to pay, with Miss Horatia Alice Bentwhistle, B.A., the instrument of God’s will.

      Hmm. There seemed to be more of her today than there was yesterday, an observation Miss Bentwhistle had been making with frightening regularity. “I look like a teapot!” she exclaimed, surveying her Rubenesque charms.

      She hoisted her corset: “Deny and contain!” The motto of her late father, Horatio Algernon Bentwhistle V. If he had overcome scandal, Miss Bentwhistle determined, so could she. Wrestling with laces and clasps, she drew strength from the great man’s battle with the clutch of elderly widows who’d sought his ruin. East-enders, Miss Bentwhistle sniffed. What right had they to do business with a Bentwhistle in the first place?

      The vixens had asked her father to put their money in government bonds. More wisely, he’d invested the funds in stocks, depositing profits equal to bond interest in their accounts while pocketing the balance in his own. These transactions went unnoticed during the run-up to the Great Crash; but when the market collapsed, taking the widows’ money with it, they’d had the effrontery to charge him with fraud.

      Lesser mortals might have crumbled. But not the Bentwhistle paterfamilias! “Deny and contain!” Horatio had bellowed and headed to the court house. He claimed — and who could doubt it? — that the widows had insisted he speculate wildly. “They were thrill seekers; desperadoes, the lot of them.” And why had he withheld profits in excess of interest? “It was for their good that I sequestered the dividends. Otherwise those insatiable grannies would have run hog-wild, squandering the treasure of their declining years on trifles.”

      Oh, how the little people howled for his blood. But as their betters well knew: wealth is the backbone of virtue; the wealthy, models of probity. Judge Benjamin T. Vanderdander, a fellow Tory and one-time school chum, found for the defence: “In the absence of written instructions, the charges are without merit or foundation.”

      Horatio promptly sued the widows for libel. Unable to afford a competent lawyer, they were found guilty and sent to the slammer.

      Miss Bentwhistle indulged a smile remembering her father’s boozy victory party, following which he’d died “happily in his sleep,” as the Free Press put it, when the car he was driving crashed into a telephone pole. His venerable remains, eulogized by the premier and local dignitaries, were trundled to the family mausoleum in a horse-drawn carriage led by the Royal London Regimental Pipe Band whose members, in addition to comforting the bereaved with “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes, intercepted pensioners throwing rotten eggs concealed beneath their hankies. The poor can be so spiteful.

      Winched into her corset, Miss Bentwhistle waddled to the vanity table to complete her transformation to Dowager Empress. The only problem was sitting down, next to which breathing was a positive snap. She consoled herself that a wince of discomfort from corsets or gas can pass for displeasure and may actually be of assistance when dealing with the help.

      A heavy application of alabaster pancake to fill the crevasses, followed by a blush of rouge, a streak of mascara, a tease of lipstick, a dusting of lavender powder, and Miss Bentwhistle had made her face. It was a monument to authority, precisely the sort of countenance to squash a bug like Mary Mabel McTavish. There remained but the hair, a Brillo pad of light brown curls that suggested a chubby Harpo Marx. It vexed the headmistress to see new strands of grey around the temples. While too numerous to pluck, these could still be concealed with an artful application of shoe polish administered by means of a deft wrist and her favourite old toothbrush.

      But before the Merlin of makeup could work her magic, she was overcome. Eyebrows twitched, jowls shook, and tears poured down her cheeks, smudging, eroding, and generally playing havoc with her carefully constructed mask. Quite naturally, the waterworks flowed from the remembrance of her father. Not of his death, mind, but of the terrible secret she’d discovered in its wake. A secret that this Mary Mabel scandal threatened to expose:

      Miss Horatia Alice Bentwhistle was bankrupt.

      The Crash — more smelling salts — had destroyed not only the widows’ mites, but the Bentwhistle family fortune, as well. Horatio had concealed the ruin (“Deny and contain!”), the power of his reputation sufficient to mesmerize creditors. But with his death, Miss Bentwhistle had found herself alone, faced with a mountain of debt against which she had but her name and her Academy. Both were in immediate jeopardy.

      Privileges conferred by her name would disappear if she were known to be insolvent. Therefore, the Bentwhistle Academy had to be milked to pay down debt. At the same time, the Academy’s pedigree, the Bentwhistle name, had to be maintained, lest wealthy clients send their heirs to more reputable havens. Maintaining her name, in turn, meant maintaining a facade of wealth, which in turn meant increasing the flow of the very red ink she was desperate to staunch.

      The poor have no understanding of true financial need, Miss Bentwhistle thought, weeping. They require tens and twenties, while I require thousands. Life is so unfair.

      To

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