LITMIR.BIZ

       Chapter 3

       WOMEN AND MONEY

       We are progressing in virtually all other areas of our lives. Money issues are a kind of a last frontier in our development.

      — DR. C. DIANE EALY AND DR. KAY LESH

      DID YOU KNOW that the word money comes from the name of the Roman goddess Juno Moneta? She guarded the Roman Empire’s finances, and a temple overlooking the Roman Forum was built in her honor in 344 BCE. Every time we use the word money, we are invoking the goddess’s name.

      Though the Romans chose a female deity to guard over their finances, as time went on, there was little mention of women’s connection to power and money. Instead, for centuries, because of regressive laws, women’s financial existence was dependent on men — their fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, and sons.

      This is no longer the case in many countries, especially in the Western world. As already noted, 70 percent of women in the United States with children under the age of eighteen participate in the labor force and contribute to overall family income. Many are actively seeking ways to increase their financial security by purchasing books, going to money management workshops and seminars, seeking help from financial advisors, experts, and so on.

      Yet I’ve learned from my experience in working with women that more knowledge alone will not help you create financial independence and security unless you first examine and improve your overall relationship with money. Do you wonder what shapes your relationship with money, and that of women in general? To help us gain a better understanding of women’s relationships with money, I offer a brief review of our history and traditions. While many influences shape women’s relationships with money, I will focus on three main areas: family, culture, and society.

      What Does Family Have to Do with It?

      Your family history and place of origin play a significant role in forming your ideas about money. Taking a look at how money was regarded and handled in your family can have a powerful effect on your relationship with money.

      Families use money in many ways: to express love, to reward, to control, to support, to punish, to share, to respect, to fear, to give thanks, to cultivate responsibility or dependency, and much more. Money can also stir up feelings of envy, competition, comparison, a sense of belonging, and power. These experiences shape your feelings about money — whether you trust money or whether it causes anxiety; how you share, accept, and receive money; and how you use money for your own means.

      Perhaps you saw your grandmother or mother turn over the household finances to your father, grandfather, or uncles. Perhaps you heard that there was not enough money for college, so the males in the family received a better education than the females. Maybe you have heard your family and relatives arguing over money or the contents of a will.

      Or maybe you witnessed the positive, empowering ways that the women in your family dealt with money. Perhaps the women in your family were just as well educated as, or better educated than, the men. Maybe as early as you can remember your mother also had a career and contributed to the family income. This was the case with my own extended family. Everyone — males and females alike — was required to have an education and secure a career or job outside the home. As mentioned earlier, my mother had a career until she reached retirement age, so my sisters and I were expected to attend a university, become professionals, contribute to society, and pave the way for the next generation.

      Historically, in most families, the husbands and fathers were the breadwinners who controlled the financial decisions, which placed women in dependent roles. Women’s roles traditionally have been identified with nurturing, homemaking, caring for the children, and so forth, plus supporting their husbands with their careers. That is why divorce can adversely affect women’s finances, often causing them to experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living and quality of life.

      Every family, including yours, has its own money story or legacy, and every generation adds its own. And when emotions are added to the story, it can become legendary. Whatever your family story with money is, these experiences are likely deeply ingrained within you and the cause of some of your internal struggles with money.

      LAURA’S STORY

      Laura is a happily married writer with two children. When she was growing up, her family had little in the way of material things, and her parents let her brother and sisters know it.

      Her parents were not frivolous with money. Laura watched her mother “stretch the dollar” quite effectively. She would go shopping with her mother to buy groceries and clothes for everyone; everything was purchased on sale, never at the regular price.

      When we began working together, Laura was having a hard time shopping for clothes. Her husband, Nick, who’d had a different experience with money growing up, was the opposite. Sometimes he even told Laura to lighten up. It was hard for Laura to let go of her money, especially if an item was not on sale.

      She described to me an internal battle that took place when she shopped. It took Laura a long time to decide whether to make a purchase. This exhausted her because having the money to pay for the purchases wasn’t even the issue — her family’s history with funds (or the lack thereof) was.

      Our work included helping Laura to heal her emotions of fear and anxiety related to her family’s beliefs about money. The root of her internal battle came from not wanting to disrespect her parents, so she continued to uphold their old beliefs, even if they didn’t serve her.

      The turning point came when Laura forgave her parents and herself for adopting these false beliefs about money, especially since she saw many examples of abundance (not lack) in her own life. Once Laura released these false beliefs, and adopted new and empowered beliefs about money, the internal battle that took place when she spent money while shopping finally ceased.