LITMIR.BIZ

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too cold to walk to the hotel. Ordinarily, it was a nice walk, and I had hoped it would relax us, although she seemed completely relaxed. I was the one who was nervous. I hailed a cab and opened the door for her, and there was another little pang. We walked into the hotel and I really felt strange. I started feeling that the house detective was watching or the guy at the desk. Walking from the elevator to the room I thought, “What am I letting myself in for? Maybe this is some sort of weird plan to blackmail me or take pictures. Maybe somebody is going to break in and beat me up.” Γ remembered all these stories I’d heard about people being in the big city and getting taken; there were a lot of young people mixed up in terrible crimes. We got to the room. I closed the door. Locked it. My heart was pounding and I was almost to the point of telling her, “Let’s forget it.” But I had gone too far to stop, and I had been away from Patti for a long time, and I was going to be away from her for five months more, and the girl seemed so clean and nice.

      I had a bottle in my room, a bottle of vodka. I poured some in a glass and some orange juice. I asked her if she wanted a drink. She said, “Just a little one.” I drank mine down and then took a great big, straight shot of the vodka. She’s just standing there waiting for me. She’s still got her coat on. I took her coat and hung it in the closet. She’s still standing there, looking at me with this adoring look, and at last the feeling that was coming from her, this admiration, started getting to my ego, and I began to relax, but I didn’t know exactly what to do yet. I didn’t want to do anything that would spoil it—make a mistake or seem foolish. I sat down on the bed and started making small talk, “It’s a shame this isn’t a nicer place but being on the road we just have to take a little place like this because all we do is sleep in it.” She just kept gazing at me. I rattled on and on, nonsense, talking and talking. All of a sudden she sat down next to me, put her hand on my arm, and she said, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

      She had her hand on my arm and her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and she shuddered. I could feel her whole body vibrating. She had short sleeves on her little dress; it was a jersey dress, and you could feel her body through it. I rubbed her arm with my hand and she shuddered and pushed herself up against me. She put her hand on my leg, and I immediately got an erection. She smelled good. A lot of times I’ve been out with a woman that looked good, but when I got close her hair didn’t smell nice or her breath, and it would turn me off because it would seem like she wasn’t clean. This girl smelled good; her hair had just been washed; and she was so soft.

      There was no mistaking at that point what was going to happen. I bent down and turned her chin up so I could kiss her, and she started to squirm and tremble. I probed gently in her mouth with my tongue, and I could tell she was really inexperienced, but little by little she relaxed her mouth till I could feel the tip of her tongue touching mine. We kissed for a long time. I started kissing her eyes and everything, and she just flipped out and lay back on the bed. I put my hand on her leg and started rubbing really easy. She had stockings on, but she had them rolled, which has always turned me on. I pulled her dress up. Her skin was beautiful. I bent down and kissed her leg just above her stocking, and I ran my tongue around her leg. She starting moving and grabbed my hair. I looked at the crotch of her panties. They were soaking wet. She had a great smell. I started kissing the outside of her panties. I don’t know if she’d ever had anybody do that before because she really wigged out: she started murmuring things, “I love you.” I stuck my tongue inside her panties where her lips were, and it was so moist. I rubbed my tongue up all around her, and then I pulled back her panties so I could get at her. I licked her really slowly, and she started quivering, and she grabbed hold of me, and she came immediately; almost as soon as I put my mouth on her she came. Then she said, “Wait a second!” She said, “My mother will see my dress.” She got her dress off and her bra, and she was really beautiful. She had small breasts, but the nipples were hard. And she was very cute. I started to take my clothes off and got everything off but my shorts, and they were just standing out, and she said, “Come here.” She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me over to her and started caressing me through my shorts, and then she pulled them down real slow until my joint popped out, and she put her head against it and hugged me and put her arms around me and rubbed her face and her hair against me, and she started licking me. I could tell she didn’t know how to suck on me; she just kissed it and licked it. I didn’t want her to give me head because I was afraid I would come immediately, and she was so passionate I wanted to put it in her.

      I put her on the bed and got over her and gradually put it in, and it felt wonderful. She was tight and moist. I finally got all the way in, which was hard to do at first because she was small, but she was completely turned on. I kissed her breasts, and she kept hollering, “I love you! You’re the most beautiful man in the world! This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me! I’ll never forget this moment as long as I live!” And I thought, “Wow! This is my fan club, and there’s four of them!”

      Usually when I’d ball the chicks that hung around the band, the minute it was over I’d have to leave. I’d have get away from the girl because after my need for sex was satisfied I couldn’t stand her. Her smell on my body was like a curse on me, and I’d have to wash myself and scrub because I felt so dirty. But this girl was so sweet that I felt some love and warmth for her, so later I really felt guilty, a million times more guilty. Because I felt like cuddling this girl, because I cared for this girl, I’d really betrayed Patti.

      Sex was in my thoughts all the time, and because of my upbringing I felt it was evil. That made it even more attractive to me, and the alcohol and the pills I took made my sex drive even stronger. I was obsessed.

      I used to room with different guys in the band, but if I had the money I’d room alone so I could fool around with the maids. The maid didn’t exist for me as a person, so there was nothing Patti could be jealous of. Sometimes they would suck on me or something like that, but what I really wanted wasn’t the consummation. I was away from Patti and, so that I wouldn’t go out and goof, I wanted to have these experiences which would provide me with vivid mental pictures I could conjure up at will whenever I set about relieving myself by playing with myself.

      If I was rooming alone I would wait for the maid to come; I’d peek out the door to see if she was there. I’d leave the door locked, but not from the inside, then she’d think I wasn’t in the room. I would lie on the bed and expose myself. I’d fix the covers so the maid could see my joint. I’d pretend I was asleep and put my fingers over my eyes so I could peek out at her, and she’d come in and turn on the light and look and see me, and I used to wig out with their reactions. Some of them would go, “Oooohh!” and practically run out. Some would act nonchalant and just walk out. Others would stand and stare. Some would get nervous and uptight, but they’d be aroused. And then, after they’d leave, I’d throw a robe on and run out and say, “Do you want to get the room now?”

      Down south the maids were great. They went along with whatever you wanted because they were afraid for their jobs and they were kind of naive. I’d say, “Well, come on. If you want to get the room, get it now.” Or I’d make up an excuse, saying that I had to do this or that, or somebody was coming—anything to get them in there. Then I’d sit down on a chair and fix it so my robe was open just enough so they could see me, and I would offer them a drink and talk to them. I’d peek at them while they cleaned the bathtub. Usually in New York the chicks were too hep. I didn’t even bother with them. If you came on they’d say, “Yeah, sure, if you want something give me five dollars,” and I’d never do that.

      But one morning at the Forrest Hotel a maid knocked on the door, and she said, “It’s late, and I’d like to get the room. It’s the last on the floor. I’ll be able to go home after . . .” She was beautiful. She was some latin type with light olive skin. She was about thirty years old and voluptuous. That word really describes this maid. She had on a black uniform with buttons down the front. It was made out of some light, silky stuff, and I noticed that the button at the bottom was open, and the button at the top was open. I said, “Go ahead.”

      She had green eyes. I’ll never forget that, black hair and green eyes. I sat in a chair opposite the bathroom door. The door had a full-length mirror on it, and it was opened in such a way that I could see her in the mirror, but

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