20 Something Manifesto - Christine Hassler

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If we allow ourselves to be merely reactive — complaining about our situations, texting our friends about it, blaming someone else for it, or throwing ourselves a lively pity party — that’s our choice.

      However, it’s not enough just to know we are being reactive. Many twenty somethings will acknowledge that they know their Hangover behavior isn’t serving their highest good. We have to become proactive; we have to do something differently. And what you do does not have to create a dramatic change. Simple shifts can make twenty-something travel a lot smoother. In fact, the final destination of the proactive train is a peaceful mind. When we free ourselves from negative thinking, it’s easy to see what action to take. But in order to do this, we need to stop beating ourselves up for mistakes and instead learn from them. Uncover the “aha” in any regret. Mistakes are valuable lessons that we do not have to repeat if we uncover what they are meant to teach us.

      To begin to untangle our knot of reactive behaviors, all we need to do is choose one proactive step and commit to doing it. In the past, how did you react to Expectation Hangovers — by drinking too much? Resolve, this time, not to drink. By eating out of emotion rather than hunger? Stick to a diet. By wallowing alone in a dark room? Go outside; meet friends. By disappearing into your job? Take a few days off instead. As important as what you do is that you commit to doing it and follow through. It doesn’t even matter if what you choose isn’t entirely successful. Commitment to an action itself may be the beginning of your cure.

      A commitment to your goals is much more powerful than an expectation to achieve them. It’s important that your focus be on your intention, not the outcome. For instance, commit to an exercise program and make your goal sticking to it rather than how much weight you may lose. Committing to altering your thoughts and behaviors is something you can do right now and will immediately alleviate your Hangover symptoms.

      Break away from expectations and commit to your action steps. Commit to becoming more aware of your internal dialogue and refocus it in a more positive direction. Commit to specific thoughts and behaviors that move you away from expectations. Examples of commitments you could make are:

      • I commit to finding one thing about my job each day to appreciate.

      • Each time I am feeling regretful about a mistake, I commit to reminding myself what I learned from that mistake.

      • I commit to having only one drink per week.

      • I commit to exercising at least five times per week for a minimum of forty minutes.

      • I commit to journaling about my feelings when they begin to feel overwhelming.

      Create a commitment contract with yourself right now. Make it official by printing the contract on a thick embossed-style paper (like the kind diplomas are printed on) and design some kind of personal seal or graphic. Type out each commitment and begin each one with “I, [your name], commit to [xyz].” Sign and date your contract. Display it where you can see it — especially when you feel an Expectation Hangover coming on.

       “RECOVERING FROM A HANGOVER” by Aurora, 23

       DECLARATION: Overcoming Expectation Hangovers is allabout finding balance as well as making an effort to recognizeall the positives in your life and being grateful for them.

      I hit a big Expectation Hangover right out of college and am recovering slowly and steadily. Everything after college happens at a much slower pace than I ever expected. I got used to living life in the four-month sections of semesters — now everything feels so long term and overwhelming. I was disappointed when I realized how unexciting a corporate job was compared to going to college. It takes up more time in your day, making less time for personal hobbies and socializing. And it’s not always going to be exciting! It takes a lot of patience and learning before management is going to trust you to do the more exciting work.

      Also, at work I expected people to recognize me and give me feedback, probably because I got so used to being graded and evaluated all throughout school (and at home for that matter). I took no recognition and feedback as meaning I wasn’t any good at what I was doing or there was something wrong with me, when really it’s just how things work in the post-college “real world.” Now I realize that I’ve always done good work that people appreciate. I was just looking for some kind of more explicit “grade.” I’ve stopped buying into my belief that work defines who I am as a person — which is emotionally freeing!

      I’ve treated my Expectation Hangovers by changing my thoughts and surrendering to the process of my life. Also, sharing my experiences with my friends who are going through the same thing really helped me. I’m very proud that I didn’t get trapped into the negative thinking and bad attitude I had toward everything. I’ve been able to pull through with a new perspective on life and what it’s all about — learning and growing, constantly. It’s just part of coming down from that college-age high of feeling on top of the world and knowing everything there is to know. Graduating from college was a very humbling experience, and I’m proud of myself for the growth I’ve gone through (and will continue). I love feeling like I have my whole life ahead of me, and as much as I might like to plan what it will be like, I really have no idea what life has in store for me. But I feel like if I could handle the major Expectation Hangover I went through, I can handle almost anything in life and walk away from it feeling wiser and happier — and that’s worth celebrating!

      Practice Gratitude; Be of Service

      What are the quickest, most effective ways to treat an Expectation Hangover? Practice gratitude and selflessness. First, appreciate who you are, what you’ve learned, and everything you have. This is vastly different from being self-absorbed or selfish (which can be disguised as “ambitious”). During an Expectation Hangover, we focus on ourselves and all we don’t have or didn’t get. But our Hangovers disappear whenever we focus on what we are grateful for and then shift our attention to the needs of others.

      “When I do things to help others and feel like I am somehow contributing to help make a difference in the world, I am filled with happiness and excitement.”

       Life coach and server, 27, recovering from a breakup, New Jersey

      I’ve learned this for myself whenever I’m involved in volunteer work. Giving to others always translates to receiving. But what motivates me is not what I get back; instead, it’s the feeling inside me that emerges in the process of service. I wish I could bottle that feeling and offer it to people in lieu of antidepressants.

      When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, commit to finding some way to be of service to others. Get involved and donate your time (which is often more valuable than money) to a person or organization that needs help. For instance, commit to giving at least two hours a month. Being of service is part of our responsibility as human beings. However, if you are prone to “overgiving,” remember that we are responsible for taking care of ourselves as well; stay balanced and don’t give so much you’re depleted. Even Gandhi and Mother Teresa had help.

      Also, remember that service to others only helps when it’s truly selfless, when we give with no expectation to receive. If we give hoping to get something back, we are setting ourselves up for an Expectation Hangover. Don’t give from a place of expectation, give from your heart, and you could discover parts of yourself you may not have known were there.

      “There is no greater beauty in my eyes than that of a human being who selflessly and passionately sacrifices his- or herself for the well-being of others.”

       Logistics analyst, 29, serious relationship, California

      Often ways to be of service are right under our nose, and many are so simple we overlook them. We don’t have to travel to an impoverished nation or a suffering city to serve.

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