LITMIR.BIZ

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caused.

      _______

      When I was out on bail I treasured the temporary freedom. People who have never been incarcerated don’t realize how wonderful freedom is. The most boring day as a civilian is filled with excitement compared to a day alone staring at a cell wall. The other challenge was the way I felt inside. I was carrying baggage so heavy that I could hardly bear it.

      Of course, the music came to a screeching halt again. My music crew was justifiably angry with me. I had been extremely unwise in my decision making, and all of their careers would be affected by my bad choices.

      Ironically and painfully enough, while I was away, EMI Music Taiwan was offering us, as a group, a record deal. They promised to make us the next megahit group in Asia. They played it up like we would be the Chinese Black Eyed Peas. When I heard this, I knew I would again be like Tantalus from Greek mythology, the food coming down to my mouth and the water just coming up to my lips, and as I reached for it, it would vanish. There was no way that EMI would be willing to pen a deal for us while I was being tried for kidnapping and extortion. Going through the details of the group contract they had emailed me only made things worse. I sat there running my fingers through my hair and sobbing into my hands.

      Why is this happening to me?

      After many sleepless nights and seemingly interminable consultation with my lawyer, I was left with no other options but to accept reality. My bail conditions forbade me from leaving the country, and I was left with no choice but to withdraw from the group. In the hopes that I could mitigate the damage and prevent the dissolution of the contract offer, I personally called the record label manager to apologize and to beg her to sign with the group without me. I made up a story, telling her that my parents didn’t want me to enter this business and wanted me to focus on going to university instead. She was obviously disappointed and saw my decision as nonsense: “I don’t understand. What’s wrong with you?! Do you know how many demos we receive at the front desk every day? Over a thousand! Most of them go to the garbage can before even crossing the threshold of my office. Come on, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Just get yourself to Taipei with all the crew within the next few days. Don’t play games with me. I want to work with you as a group—all of you!”

      At this I couldn’t control myself and broke into tears on the phone. I had no idea how to negotiate this without ruining it for everyone. I just wanted to blurt out the truth to her, but I knew that if she knew the seriousness of the situation she might drop me like a hot potato. Eventually, I was able to convince her that I was not exaggerating and I really could not leave Canada, but I had to do it in a manner that did not reveal the seriousness of the matter.

      With a lot of telephone negotiations over the next two months, we came to an agreement that I’d kind of act as an agent for my crew until such a time that I was free to travel. I managed to give the company enough of an excuse without telling them the whole truth of my trial: “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry … Thank you so much for giving us a chance. I’d love to work with you alongside my crew. I’d die for this opportunity! You have no idea. But, you see, I’m in the middle of some very serious personal problems, and I can’t leave the country. I’m terribly sorry … it’s all my fault! Please work with the group even without me. Every single one of them is very talented. They’ll be just fine. You won’t regret signing them. I can guarantee you.”

      To sincerely put the interests of others before my own was a new and humbling but strangely gratifying decision. Even though it hurt like hell, my heart was telling me that it was the right thing to do. In the end EMI accepted my convoluted explanation, leaving me an option to sign with them when my problems were resolved. I was deeply touched by this offer.

      “I guess this is it. Man, what a shame that you can’t come with us! After all the hard times we’ve been through together … This sucks!” Julian was picking up his backpack.

      “It’s all good. Just make it big there for me! Share our music, our spirit, all right?” I helped him with his luggage.

      “Yeah, B, we won’t forget you! Get your things done here and come meet us ASAP. We’ll reserve your spot. No one can replace you!” Yuen was giving me a very firm handshake.

      “That’s right, you hang in there, all right? We’ll give you a call right after we arrive. We’ll miss you.” Rita hugged me tightly.

      There at the airport, in front of everyone—the group and their friends and family—I forced a plastic smile onto my face and waved goodbye to them. Watching them heading to customs one by one, I felt my heart tear in half. It was by far the most painful thing that I had ever experienced. The passport case that I’d bought for the last record deal was still sitting in my drawer.

      Two days after my group-mates’ arrival to Taipei city, a contract negotiation meeting was scheduled. EMI included me in that meeting by conference call. I did my best to make my voice sound cheerful on the phone, but I felt like a violin string pulled taut and about to snap. Every chuckle, every friendly exchange, every scrap of happiness exchanged in that meeting was like lye poured onto an open wound. I didn’t want to be bitter, but I couldn’t suppress my feelings. Clenching my teeth, I held back my tears for five long hours until the meeting was over. By the end I was so exhausted I just lay down on the carpet by my desk instead of taking 30 seconds to make it to the couch.

      This was the third time a record deal had slipped through my fingers. Was it some sort of cruel divine joke? Didn’t I have a unique calling that I was simply following? If I had been noticed by three major music companies, didn’t I have some genuine talent? Why did I get into these situations where there was so much promise, only to see it vanish at the last minute? Was this punishment? Was I such a horrible person? I needed some answers! If life was trying to destroy my spirit, it was doing a very fine job! I was crushed, and it felt like I would never recover. Slowly I stopped believing in hope, stopped believing in a brighter day. Maybe this was all just foolishness—just a dream.

      “Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief.” (Prov. 14:13 ESV)

      Chapter 5

      I Met a Girl

      Maybe it was the lyrics and maybe it was the catchy melody, but every time I heard “Stickwitu” by The Pussycat Dolls, I’d crank my radio to full blast. The song had something that made my heart melt. I’m sure this sounds cheesy, but as I sang along I would always dream about my future wedding day. Lost in my romantic dream, I’d be belting out the song and grinning ear to ear in the car as I drove along, the music blaring and inevitably annoying people at the stoplights. After many years of singleness, my soul yearned for someone who would be my match.

      Up until this point in my life I had never been in a super-serious relationship. It’s not as if I had never dated anyone during my days as a “player,” but, in retrospect, they were all pretty much puppy-love situations. At times I had felt as if no relationship could be deeper and more intense than what I was feeling right at that moment. Only later would I realize that this destructive view of relationships was leftover teen angst—angst that now I was happily finished with. On the other hand, numerous relationships were selfish and not terribly innocent in nature. Unfortunately, I have to live with the regret of those past decisions.

      Eventually I got sick of how having so many regrets made me feel. I wanted a more meaningful relationship with someone whom I actually loved—not just someone I thought was “hot.” When I made up my mind to pursue a music career after high school, I focused all of my attention on that goal and didn’t really have any time for a girlfriend. Even though the club-and-music scene was crawling with good-looking girls and all of my bandmates were in relationships, I didn’t want the distraction. I had learned it is impossible to avoid drama when you are with someone, and I couldn’t afford this on top of all that was already on my plate, which was brimming up to the edge and sometimes spilling over.

      “Hey, handsome, why not get some balloons and roses for your girlfriend? I guarantee she’s gonna love them. Trust me!” A saleswoman stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk with a big smile on her face.

      “No,

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