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       Altar Altercation

      I always thought that the Latin Mass was much more exciting for altar boys than the modern equivalent. The priest had his back to you and couldn’t really see what went on behind him. There was always competition among the altar boys to see who would kneel on the right-hand side of the altar because that was where the action was. The boy serving right, as it was called, would be the first to walk out on to the altar, he would go up and change the missal from one side of the altar to the other before the gospel, he would ring the bell at the more solemn parts of the Mass, and at the offertory he served the wine and water to the priest.

      The boy serving left had nothing to do except at communion time when he would hold the paten under the chins of the communicants as the priest put the sacred host on their tongues. In the sacristy before Mass there would be arguments and frequently fisticuffs to decide who was serving right. It reached such a pitch that the priest made a rule that whoever was in first would serve right. But then boys started coming earlier and earlier until once a boy arrived to serve eleven o’clock Mass as the people were coming out of the half-past-eight Mass. So the law was amended; no boy should arrive earlier than half an hour before Mass began.

      One Sunday I set off to serve Mass. My partner that day was Gerry. He was a wiry little fellow whose father was a veteran of the First World War and had a wooden leg. He was a noted fighting man and all the neighbours were afraid of him.

      As I was coming up the road to the chapel I saw Gerry coming down. He saw me and we both started to run. Neck and neck we ran over the chapel lane and in the gate. We couldn’t run inside the chapel because there were early worshippers there but we walked briskly side by side up the aisle, genuflected together at the altar rails and jammed in the vestry door, neither of us giving an inch. We each claimed to have been in first. While the priest was vesting, we wrestled behind his back and eventually I got myself in pole position.

      The routine was that the boy serving right would walk out first and stop when he came to his position. The other boy would walk past him over to the left. This time when I stopped, Gerry planted his two hands in my back and gave me a violent push so that I staggered over to the left side of the altar leaving him in sole possession of the field. When he went up to change the missal I moved over to the right. When he came back he knelt beside me so that the two of us were on the same side. I grabbed the beater for the bell and went over to the left.