LITMIR.BIZ

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out for me. Now I am not quite so sure. I mean, Jesus never had a problem doing miracles in His day but now it seems to be taking for ever. In the small hours of the morning, when I am alone, sometimes I think the miracle will not happen at all.

      On Monday I went for my chest X-rays. Mr Peach seemed quite worried about my lungs. I asked Dr Jimmy why this was and he explained that if the cancer spreads it would go there first. It was very important that this first test was clear. A nurse took me down in my wheelchair and I felt absolutely free! It was also the first time, with my new and ungainly body, that I was meeting people I didn’t know. The nurse pushed me along the corridor and I passed a lady with a small child. The pretty girl looked at me with wide puzzled eyes and I overheard the mother telling her not to stare. With a shock I realized she was talking about me. I cringed, not so much at the curiosity of a four-year-old, but rather at the mother’s reprimanding whisper. It drew more attention to me, making me feel even more embarrassed and awkward.

      It didn’t take long for the X-rays to be taken, so my trip to freedom was short-lived. On the return journey I asked the nurse for a blanket to cover my solitary leg. For the first time I had discovered how painful it is to be different.

      Mr Peach came to see me a bit later and jovially entered my room.

      ‘It’s great news, Little Lady!’ he greeted me. ‘The X-rays are clear. Your lungs are fine. That is a very good sign.’

      I was so relieved. It was the first good news I had received.

      ‘So what does it mean, then?’

      ‘Well, it’s a good indication that your lungs are free of any spread from the bone tumour so we can go ahead and do the other tests which are more sensitive.’

      He appeared overjoyed and I realized he hadn’t been expecting the tests to be clear.

      ‘Tomorrow we will do a CT scan of your whole body, which will give us more information,’ he added.

      ‘I told you that God would heal me, didn’t I?’ I said, and Mr Peach smiled at me.

      ‘Yes, you did say that, and it looks as if God is listening to your prayers!’

      The test result gave me confidence. I spent some time putting on my make-up, styling my hair and donning my favourite nightdress. A round of applause greeted me as I pushed myself triumphantly down the length of Ward Six.

      ‘Hey, look who’s here!’ shouted Peter. The boys gathered round me in their wheelchairs and Barry waved from his bed.

      ‘You made it then, kid!’ he quipped and we all wheeled over to his bedside. I told my friends about the test results and they were delighted.

      ‘This calls for a celebration,’ said Peter and signalled to Barry for his jug of water. I noticed there were three glasses on his bedside table.

      ‘Get a glass for Mary,’ urged Barry. I wondered what they were up to. Barry poured four small glasses and handed them to us. The boys winked at me and said in unison, ‘Cheers!’ They all seemed very jolly. I took a sip and, as I swallowed, the back of my throat burned.

      ‘Vodka!’ whispered Peter and we all laughed together. I felt accepted and safe, for we were all different here. After a few minutes Steve and Peter disappeared, leaving me with Barry. We talked for a while until a nurse came to tell me that I needed to let him rest. As I left, Barry blew me a kiss and I blushed.

      ‘You look lovely when you blush,’ he said to me and I left the ward with my heart singing.

      I was on a cloud of dreams for the rest of the day and the nurses teased me. I felt normal again and it was wonderful. I have tapes of Beatles love ballads and I listened to them all day. By the evening, I was in love. I pushed myself dreamily down to the bathroom to get ready for bed, then lay there cuddling my teddy bear. I thought about Barry and, for a moment, I felt like a beautiful teenager again. Then I remembered what lay ahead of me the following day and I felt a pit of fear swallowing my fantasy. I wondered if I would ever know again the safety and innocence of being a carefree child.

      Yesterday was Tuesday and I had my CT scan. I felt very nervous about it. I knew it was crucial for it to be clear. Everyone was tense and on edge. The scanner is shaped like a huge circle with a hole in the middle and the bed slides through it slowly. A kind lady greeted me and pointed to a picture of a grinning cat on the door.

      ‘This is our CAT scanner,’ she laughed. ‘We also call it the magic Polo mint.’

      ‘Will you stay in the room with me?’ I asked, feeling overwhelmed.

      ‘I’m sorry, Mary, I have to stay in that little room because of the radiation. But we can see you from behind the glass and I can talk to you through a microphone.’ She helped me up on to a narrow bed. She seemed so kind.

      ‘Did you know that God is going to heal me?’ She looked at me and smiled. She pointed to a little brooch on her collar in the shape of a dove.

      ‘I’m a Christian too,’ she said. ‘Let’s ask God to strengthen you and look after you, shall we?’ I felt disappointed. I wanted a miracle.

      ‘Can I keep my little cross with me?’ I asked her.

      ‘I’m such a spoilsport, aren’t I?’ she joked, but explained the metal would spoil the pictures.

      ‘I’ll be praying all the time you are in there,’ she promised and squeezed my hand tightly before leaving. She waved to me from behind the glass screen but I couldn’t wave back because my hands were strapped against my sides. I was all alone and scared. I wanted a hug from somebody. I wanted my mum and dad and tears sprang to my eyes. I was unable to wipe them and they trickled down the sides of my cheeks. The machine started to make a loud humming noise and then some clicks. It moved slowly over my head, so close that I could feel the metal touching my hair. I closed my eyes and tried to remember a verse of scripture.

      ‘Be not afraid,’ I thought to myself and repeated it like a mantra. ‘Be not afraid.’ I thought of the kind lady praying for me and I felt calmer.

      It seemed like hours before the scanner reached my toes. Then the lady came in to help me sit up. She was smiling a lot. I got my little cross back.

      ‘Was it okay?’ I asked her.

      ‘Well, officially I’m not allowed to tell you,’ she said slowly but, seeing my anxious face, she added, ‘Put it like this: I think your prayers are working.’

      Mr Peach came bounding into my room as soon as I was back on the ward.

      ‘The scan is clear! That’s the best news that we can give you!’ I was overjoyed. Mr Peach was happy, Dr Jimmy was happy, the nurses were happy. My mum and dad were ecstatic when they came to visit me later.

      ‘You see!’ I told them all, ‘I told you God would heal me!’

      There was an air of celebration all day. I told everybody about the miracle and they all commended my faith. I couldn’t wait to tell the God Squad that I had been spreading the word. Perhaps now everybody would begin to believe and then my suffering would have been for a reason.

      Now today, Wednesday, I have the last of my tests. It is the most sensitive of all. This time I am having a bone scan which involves an injection of a radioactive chemical, then afterwards they take some special pictures. If there are any tumours, even microscopic ones, they will glow brightly on the pictures. If they are clear then Mr Peach will contact Christie’s and arrange for me to be transferred there for treatment.

      If they are not clear … then I go home to die.

      I hope I go to Christie’s, but not too soon. I am beginning to enjoy so much being with Barry. Christie’s is miles away. I will be away from Mum and Dad and so lonely. I feel safe here because everybody knows my dad and people pop in all the time. Two years seem to stretch into the future without any end in sight. It feels like the rest of my life.

      When I get down to the X-ray department I am surprised to see Mr Peach holding a massive syringe enclosed

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