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      Categories of Genius

      In order to make these tests as pseudo-academically sound as possible, they have been divided into five thematic areas.

      PHYSICAL TESTS

      This set of activities examines the ways in which your cat uses its body to achieve a distinct advantage in its surroundings. So these are not just tests of strength and agility – they are also tests of the animal’s cunning and creativity.

      TERRITORIAL TESTS

      Here’s where you can measure the balance (or imbalance) between your cat’s natural instincts and its ability to tailor them to the rigours of village, urban or suburban life.

      METEOROLOGY AND CAT COSMOLOGY

      After measuring your cat’s physical and territorial awareness, you can see how well it copes with factors that it cannot control easily – namely the weather and the broader interactions of visible and invisible matter in the Universe.

      PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS

      This is what the book is really building up to – a measure of what’s truly going on beyond those bright eyes. Your cat’s modes of behaviour are also modes of self-expression and indicators of mood. Let’s take a ruddy good look at them.

      SUPERNATURAL TESTS

      At first glance, this section looks like it’s just for fun . . . But is it? Analysing your cat’s subtle quirks may uncover a few connections with the paranormal – and send a few shivers down your spine to boot. So don’t be a sceptic – your pet could be a gateway to the spirit world, and just imagine how cool (and potentially lucrative) that would be!

      Scoring tips and conclusions are given on pages 125–127, so that you can analyse your pet’s performance in each of the above categories and thus compile its physical and psychological profile. You can also identify the areas in which the animal might be able to do better in the future.

      • General note (for all sections): try not to let your cat know that it is being tested. It probably won’t like the idea of being assessed, and so will not offer its co-operation voluntarily. Some stealth may be required.

Chapter One

       PHYSICAL TESTS

      House cats are domesticated animals, but they’ve cunningly retained a little bit of their wild side – just enough to keep you on your toes. Cats may live in your home, but they do so purely for their own convenience. They’ve adapted to the home environment, but they can take it or leave it depending on their immediate and ever-changing needs. A closer examination of their physical behaviour can reveal all sorts of hidden nuances in your cat’s ability to manipulate not only its environment – but you as well.

      The following physical tests and activities will help you to measure this level of domestic adaptation. Score each section carefully, repeating the experiment – as and when necessary – to achieve an average score that truly reflects the general attitude of your pet.

      1

      Test of The True Cat

      Is your cat genuine? Is it a true cat or some kind of charlatan chat or feline faker? Contrary to what all the experts say, there is in fact only one way to find out.

       In full view of your cat, place a small object (e.g. a coin or a pencil) near the edge of a table or other high-altitude surface where there are few (if any) other objects. Grab a stopwatch and see how long it takes for your cat to bat that object into oblivion.

      If your cat is truly a cat, it will knock that object off the edge at some point after becoming aware of it. The speed of response is key: the faster, the more feline.

      

No response NIL POINTS

      

5 minutes 1 POINT

      

1 minute 2 POINTS

      

30 seconds 3 POINTS

      

10 seconds 4 POINTS

      

Less than 5 seconds 5 POINTS

      2

      Engaging with Confined Spaces: a Metaphysical Challenge

      The pacific octopus has a 4-m (13-ft)-wide arm span, and yet it can slip through a gap no wider than a tennis ball. Generally, cats can squeeze themselves through some pretty tight fissures (sometimes as narrow as 7.5cm/3 in) – but it’s time to find out exactly what their attitude is to the metaphysical problem of the confined space.

       When presented with a diverse range of boxes, cases and containers, your cat:

      

Takes one look at them and then retires to the couch. 1 POINT

      

Checks each box for traces of food before entering. 2 POINTS

      

Slips into the box or case that has the most luxurious lining. 3 POINTS

      

Chooses the smallest receptacle and doesn’t leave it alone until it has succeeded in pushing its whole body into it. 4 POINTS

      

Tries each container in turn until the optimum cat-to-box comfort ratio has been identified. 5 POINTS

      

Fetches a set of laser-guided measuring instruments and proceeds to carry out a structural survey of each container. 5 POINTS

      3

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