LITMIR.BIZ

       Prologue

      I turned my key in the lock of Mum’s door and pushed, but it wouldn’t open. Something was stuck behind it, blocking it. I pushed harder but couldn’t shift the obstruction.

      What’s she done now? I wondered. Is she deliberately trying to keep me out?

      Then I looked through the letterbox and saw a beige- stockinged leg – her leg.

      ‘Mum!’ I yelled. ‘Mum, are you all right?’

      Stupid question. Of course she wasn’t all right. I shouted at the top of my voice – ‘Help me!’ – and the next-door neighbour hurried out to see what was going on.

      Stuttering with shock, I called for an ambulance and told the operator we’d probably need the fire brigade as well to break the door down. While we waited for them I sat on the step calling to Mum through the crack of the door but getting no response. Was that her breathing I could hear? I wasn’t sure. My heart was racing like crazy and so many thoughts flooded my head I felt dizzy.

      No, she can’t die. Please don’t let her die!

      I couldn’t help feeling guilty that I hadn’t been there when she needed me, even though I had been dropping in every day to do her washing and cleaning.

      ‘Hold on in there, Mum,’ I whispered through the door. ‘You can make it, I know you can.’

      Tears filled my eyes as I heard a distinct, low-pitched moan. She was alive.

      * * *

      One of the ambulance men managed to get his arm through the crack and shift her so that they could get in without breaking the door down. They gave her oxygen and she regained a groggy kind of consciousness. I stood, useless, a huge lump in my throat and sadness engulfing me.

      It was at that moment I realized that it was finally time to let loose all the dark childhood memories I had suppressed for decades. The woman lying crumpled on the floor and fighting for every breath had made my childhood a living hell. Now I knew I was in no way ready for her death, because while she was still alive I might be able to force her to answer the questions that had plagued me throughout my adult life.

      What had I done to make her hate me so much that she did so many cruel things to me? Did she remember all the times she almost killed me? Why did she allow me to be a victim of terrible abuse? Why didn’t Dad or any other family member protect me from her? Why did I still feel a responsibility towards her and long for her to show me some affection, despite all that she had put me through?

      As my mother was lifted into the ambulance, I knew that I didn’t have much time left to find out.

      What crime had I committed? Why had she punished me, endlessly and thoroughly and with spite and cruelty, from the day I was born?