F**k: An Irreverent History of the F-Word - Rufus Lodge

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come out of a convent, in which case this book probably isn’t the ideal place to start. Don’t try Fifty Shades of Grey, either. The more jaded of you can read on. Someone who fucked around sometimes came to be called a fuck-around; and then, starting on the island of Fiji, the word was applied to anyone who happened to be hanging around in the streets, usually with criminal intentions.

      FUCKARSE: Someone who is a bit of a prat. As opposed to FUCK ARSE, which does exactly what it says on the tin.

      FUCKATHON: Someone who is a fuckaholic, or who takes fucking around to the extremes, might take part in a fuckathon. In commercial terms, ‘fuckathon’ has been used as another way of describing ‘gang bang’ pornography, in which a female porn star attempts to have intercourse with as many partners as possible in a specified period. The supremely unerotic film starring Annabel Chang, The World’s Biggest Gang Bang, is the best possible advertisement against the fuckathon, which makes a clusterfuck seem like afternoon tea at the vicarage. Like Boy George, I’d rather have a cup of tea.

      FUCKASS: An all-purpose term of abuse, which doesn’t usually have any specific connection to anal activities.

      FUCKBAG: Nearly as all-purpose as ‘fuck’ itself: it can be a noun, denoting someone with little common sense; or someone (usually a woman, surprise surprise) who is known for having lots of sex; or it can be an adjective; or an exclamation of despair or disgust. And you can use it as one word or two. Satisfied?

      FUCKBALL: Another derogatory term, familiar from the movie Get Shorty. Over to you, Harvey Keitel: ‘Fuck you, fuckball.’

      FUCK-BAR: An establishment in which fucking takes place, or in which one secures the vital connection to enable the same thing. A pick-up joint, in other words. Coined by the American gay community in the 1970s, it’s used for a bar with back-room reserved for all kinds of sporting activity.

      FUCKBEANS: I’d love to report that this is a slang term for Viagra, because it clearly should be. But disappointingly it’s a piece of youth-speak meaning nothing more than that the person who uses it is slightly cross.

      FUCK-BEGGAR: Originally, a man with a reputation for not being able to raise the mast when the, er, ‘boat’ is about to set sail. More widely, anyone who is so desperate for a sexual partner that they have to beg. Alternative term in the eighteenth century: ‘buss-beggar’ (not to be confused with someone who gets on a bus with a sob story about having lost their money on the way to the bus stop, like the woman I always see in the South Ealing Road).

      FUCK BOOK: A work of pornography, designed to provide sexual excitement. Unlike this book, which is strictly educational.

      FUCKBOY: A male, usually young, and presumably not already gay, who finds himself the unwelcome recipient of attention from other males when he arrives in prison. The female equivalent, ‘fuckgirl’, doesn’t seem to have come into such regular usage, perhaps because not all female prisons are like the ones in Hollywood porno movies.

      FUCK BUDDY: A friend with whom you have sex. In theory, this sex is wildly enjoyable, and totally free of complications and commitments. In practice, it usually buggers up the friendship. Though there was this one occasion I remember when [continued on page 316].

      FUCK-CHOPS: See FUCKBRAIN. Proof that you can add almost anything to the word ‘fuck’ if you want to call someone a prat.

      FUCK-DUST: A multipurpose word, which originated in the 1950s as a description of stuff that simply wasn’t up to scratch. By the 1980s, it had been transferred to people who were annoying, and in the modern century it is used as an exclamation in mildly upsetting situations. A hammer on an exposed finger merits the full ‘Fuck!’; missing a bus when there’s another one due in two minutes might deserve a token ‘Fuck-dust!’.

      FUCKEE: Someone who is being fucked, not necessarily in a sexual context.

      FUCKERWARE: At a Tupperware party, the aim is to persuade gullible housewives to purchase household goods that they don’t need by disguising the sales pitch as a social occasion. With Fuckerware, the principle can be the same, only the clients are being offered sex toys. Be wary of accepting an invitation to a Fuckerware party unless you know your host very well, however: the phrase is also applied to a swingers’ gathering where men and women gather to experiment with a box of sex toys and partners who are not their own.

      FUCKERY: The nineteenth-century term for a brothel has mutated in recent decades into a description of any kind of nonsense – no sexual activity required. It is used especially in state or corporate attempts to mess with our minds and our daily lives. Remember that the next time you’re on the phone to a call centre.

      FUCK-EYE: If you give someone the ‘fuck-eye’, you’re employing what used to be called, in more romantic times, a ‘come-hither stare’. If your ‘fuck-eye’ looks like your FUCKFACE, you probably won’t be getting any.

      FUCKFACE: The gurning expressions pulled by every man and woman when they’re experiencing an orgasm. If there’s no gurning, they ain’t feeling it. Similar expressions can be achieved by other means, such as plunging into hot or cold water, punching someone in sensitive places, or pretty much every activity seen in the Jackass film series.

      FUCK-FEATURES: Abusive, of course, and pretty much guaranteed not to get someone into bed if you try to attract their attention this way. It suggests ugliness, presumably because someone looks as if they’ve become stuck in their FUCKFACE.

      FUCK FILM: A film in which fucking occurs, usually in a more explicit fashion than you’ll see in your local multiplex. Also known as a FUCK-FLICK.

      FUCKFINGER: From the nineteenth century, this describes someone who was able to pleasure themselves with their own fingers: also known as a FUCKFIST. Not to be confused with the noun FINGERFUCK, which usually involves more than one person.

      FUCK-FLAPS: Another way of saying ‘cunt-flaps’. Which is another way of revealing that you’re a young man who probably isn’t ever going to get anywhere near anyone’s labia.

      FUCKHEAD: This isn’t a sexual practice, but a description of someone who’s such an idiot that he (and it usually is a ‘he’) isn’t going to find a girlfriend.

      FUCKING MACHINE: Someone who is a great lover – a stud (if it’s a man). Or the habitual cry of anyone trying to use a computer, an automatic check-in at the airport, a ticket dispenser, a DVD player, a coffee-maker …

      FUCKHOLE: The place where … look, you’re going to have to work this one out for yourselves. First used in the Victorian era. And you thought they were all too busy covering up the legs of tables in case impressionable youngsters became over-excited. Like almost every other sexual term in the twenty-first century, this has been transformed into a term of abuse aimed at young women. The worldwide web has a lot to answer for.

      FUCK-IN: We can thank American cartoonist Robert Crumb for this term, first identified in his 1968 illustration of the ‘Grand Opening of the Great Intercontinental Fuck-in & Orgy-Riot’ (published in the underground mag Snatch Comics). See FUCK-FEST.

      FUCK-IN-A-FOG: Chroniclers of English slang would have us believe that gardeners with foul minds use this term to describe the fennel flower – or, more poetically, ‘love-in-a-mist’. Do not use this in any garden owned by the National Trust.

      FUCK-IN-LAW: Someone who becomes related to you via sex. So if I have sex with your sister … No, of course I haven’t had sex with your sister. Honestly. I don’t know why I even mentioned your sister. I don’t find her attractive. No, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her, she’s a

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