Brave: How I rebuilt my life after love turned to hate - Adele Bellis

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all the time, I don’t want nothing at all coming in between us. I know I moan and shout and get pissed off it’s only cos I love you so much, the last three months and for however long I’ve known you, you’re all I’ve dreamed about and thought and wished for. We’ve been through the wars so far but we are standing strong, damn we love each other, that’s not something we’re going to find with anyone else. You’re definitely my one in a million, nah you’re my one in a trillion …

      Baby, it’s now 8.30 was speaking to you earlier. I’m so so so in love with you its unbelievable, I’m so happy we’re gonna be all right. Time would be so hard without you cos whenever I’m pissed off or finding it hard I think of you and I smile. You’ve got that charm on me, I just think of your cheeky smile and everything seems to be better. We’re gonna be ok aren’t we? You do love me, don’t you, cheeky? Yeh, good girl. LOL. I love you so so much, 100 per cent, no 1000 per cent. LOL. You’re going to be mine forever ain’t you? You’re gonna be my wife and we’re going to have lots of little Rileys aint we? Too far LOL, nah I’m just dreaming. We’ll definitely have little Rileys I’m sure of it. I can’t wait to have a family with you. Babe, I’m in a mess, can’t stop thinking of you, you’ve been on my mind constantly today, words can’t describe how much I love you.

      The daffodils pushed their way out of the earth, blooming bright yellow before dropping their heads, and returning to the soil, and making way for the summer flowers that shot up in bright bursts of red and gold and blue. And Anthony’s letters kept on coming, shining more brightly in my life than any sunny day that the new season had to offer, my reward for waiting for him.

      Hey babe, well, what a visit, made me happy, you’re so beautiful, I’m glad you chose to wait on me. I’m so happy that we sorted everything out, I do trust you and believe you. When you promised not to go out made me realise you really do love me so you made me the happiest boy ever :-) least now my head ain’t gonna be fucked up :-)

      I promise you as well if you stick to your side of the deal I won’t moan anymore cos I really want us to work. Seeing you today just made me realise even more how much you mean to me, so please don’t ruin it, it’s all in your hands, especially tomorrow when England play. You promised me in the letter and to my face, you let me down I swear on my mum’s grave I will never go back to you if you do choose the pub over me, how could I forgive you, you wouldn’t if it was me. But I know it ain’t gonna come to that cos I know you love me and I’m lucky to have your support. Fuck, I need it cos this time is really killing me but won’t for that long cos I’m out this year so hey, we will be back together soon, stronger than ever, if you do stand by me without going to pubs and that I will owe you the world anyways. Love you in the morning, at night, all the while, big time, millions, billions, trillions, forever and ever.

      But just like with any couple we had our ups and downs. We both made mistakes. Mine always seemed to be when I had a rare night out with my friends. The next day Anthony would be really fuming.

      ‘I’ve already heard from my friends,’ he spat down the phone. ‘They said you were talking to boys, they saw you, Adele.’

      Anthony, I –’

      ‘Don’t lie to me, do you think I don’t believe my mates? Why else would they tell me?’

      It didn’t matter how many times I told him that I wasn’t, that they were making it up, that I didn’t so much as look at another boy, whatever they said got stuck in Anthony’s head, and he’d lose it.

      ‘I can’t deal with this, Adele. Me stuck in here and you out there talking to boys. I asked you not to go out, you promised. I can’t do this any more …’

      He’d dump me and hang up, and I’d pad downstairs in my slippers, hot, salty tears coursing down my cheeks, and Mum’s arms to wrap me up down in the kitchen.

      ‘It would be impossible for anyone to make a relationship like this work,’ she’d say. ‘You’re too young for all this.’

      But I’d tell her, all relationships have their ups and downs.

      Well, this is a hard and awkward one, I started, well tried to start, writing this loads of times since I came off the phone to you, simply because I can’t find the words. But now I had time to think about it I was right to end it now cause I told you what would happen when I lost the game and within four days it’s started. It’s all right you saying nah I’m not going out again til Christmas and all this but how many times you said this to me? And it’s all right you saying you can trust me but no matter what or how strong anyone’s relationship is when they are in jail it always casts that little bit of doubt, and the states you get yourself in it only takes one stupid little mistake and it would not only break us I would end up hating you and I don’t want that.

      Those letters were the hardest to read, but it never really mattered by then because usually Anthony would have rung me before the letter arrived.

      ‘I miss you, baby, I can’t live without you.’

      And we’d be back together again. This became our pattern, the drama of the outside world recreated in our long-distance relationship.

      Most of our memories were brilliant weren’t they? It is the memories of getting to know you that I will never forget, we had some good convos even some of the little weird ones about the past … when we use to cuddle in the middle of my room for ages … when we was meeting up and every weekend we used to wake up and go ‘not you again!’ but really I liked waking up to you :-) Just stupid little things like meeting up from college, emotional little kisses in bed, cuddling up to you at night … you are a unique beautiful one of a kind girl and anyone is lucky to have you and I am happy I really got to know you and I’m happy you were my first love and the first girl I opened up to, I feel like I can say anything to you, Cheeky …

      And another …

      All the times we had good/bad were the best time I had with any girl, I loved it all just didn’t have the balls to tell you when I was out there, I had to act like hard Riley. I knew I liked you for ages, I loved all the times we met up, I used to pretend I wasnt falling for you, Scotty and Glen was saying I was cos everytime Scotty didn’t really wanna meet yous but I would talk him round. I dunno what it was about you, I just wanted to see you all the time, wasn’t just about the sex, there was something that made me feel weird and I liked it, that’s why I was so gutted about Bruce :-( but that made me realise you was right for me and I had to get you and cut my shit out too and I did :-) thats why I kept saying you came from nowhere and stole my heart cos you took it soon as I met you that night outside the pub. The first night I slept with you at Scotty’s must have done something cos I didn’t want anyone after that, the people I got with after that it didn’t feel the same, I didn’t want it.

      The seasons kept on changing, the heat of the summer faded after it had burnt the leaves on the trees into golds and browns, and still Anthony was locked away from me. He kept writing to me saying that it would be just a few more weeks, a few more weeks, but in the end I knew that it was nothing more than wishful thinking on his part. Why else would he say it?

      Before long the wind had stolen the last of the leaves from the branches and Christmas lights were starting to twinkle on plastic trees tucked away behind cosy living-room windows. The letters kept on coming, some declaring Anthony’s love for me, others planning what we’d do when we got out. He’d write about how we’d get a flat together and those little fantasies were what I hung on for. Others were written when he’d finished with me before taking it all back, but the ones that really broke my heart were the ones that revealed just a little more about what Anthony had been through. More than anything else, they were the ones that made me determined to stick around.

      Trust me Adele, when I was 13/14 that’s when my world changed, up until then I got bullied cos I was fat but soon as I realised I could fight I put it to use, found the gang, started drinking … then in no time everyone was talking about the Riley boy. (LOL) Thats where it went wrong, it got to my head, I thought I was the daddy when I was 14. I nearly killed one of the biggest drug dealers in our area’s boys with a hatchet. I only got community service and a five year suspended

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