LITMIR.BIZ

       Chapter 1

      ‘SHE’S fine!’ a night nurse greeted her as Izzy dashed in at seven a.m.

      She’d given Diego a fifteen-minute head start so they didn’t arrive together and it seemed to take ages for the intercom to answer when she buzzed, because the staff were all in handover.

      Izzy felt guilty with pleasure and was sure there must be a penance to pay for having such a wonderful night, except Tilia was fine—completely adorable and wide awake. Chris, her nurse for the day, informed Izzy when she came out of handover that Tilia might even be ready for her first bath.

      Izzy was glad to have Chris beside her, encouraging her.

      Tilia seemed so small and slippery and she wouldn’t stop crying.

      ‘I thought they liked their bath,’ Izzy said.

      ‘Just rock her a little.’

      Which Izzy did, and Tilia’s cries softened.

      Her tufts of hair were shampooed and by the time Izzy had dried and dressed her, it was all sticking up and Izzy thought her heart would burst as she sat in the rocking chair and held her.

      ‘How soon do you think?’ Izzy asked the perpetual question.

      ‘When she’s taking all her feeds and just a bit bigger,’ Chris said. ‘She’s doing so well. I know you’re impatient to get her home, but she still needs top-ups and a little one like this…’ She took an exhausted Tilia from Izzy and popped her in her cot then put the saturation probe on her, checked her obs and popped a little hat on. ‘Even a bath wears them out. Why don’t you go down to the canteen and get some breakfast?’ Chris suggested, rightly guessing that Izzy hadn’t eaten.

      ‘Good idea,’ Izzy agreed. ‘I’ll go and see if Nicola wants to come down with me.’

      ‘Actually,’ Chris said gently, ‘maybe it’s best if you leave Nicola for now.’

      ‘Oh!’ Izzy waited for more information, only she wasn’t a doctor on duty here and there was no information forthcoming. ‘I’ll be at the canteen, then,’ Izzy said. ‘I’ve got my pager.’

      She walked through the unit, her eyes drawn to Toby’s cot. There was Nicola and her husband, and Diego was sitting with them. His face was more serious than she had ever seen it and Izzy felt sick as Megan came into the unit and instead of waving to Izzy just gave a very brief nod and headed over to them.

      It was the longest morning.

      Tilia awoke at eleven but wouldn’t take her bottle and Izzy came close to crying, except she shook her head when Chris passed her a box of tissues.

      ‘You are allowed to cry.’

      But it seemed so petty. Tilia was thriving, okay, a little slower than Izzy would like, but she was getting bigger and stronger every day and, anyway, Izzy knew, there was a lot more to cry over than that—and now just wasn’t the time to.

      ‘Hey, where’s Chris?’ Diego gave her a tired smile as he came in later to get an update.

      ‘Two minutes,’ Chris called from the sinks, where she was helping another mum with a bath.

      ‘How are you?’ Diego asked.

      ‘Good.’

      Tilia?’

      ‘Misbehaving—she won’t take her feeds.’

      ‘She had a bath, though,’ Diego said, but she could tell he was distracted and who could blame him?

      ‘How’s Toby?’

      ‘He’s not good,’ Diego said. ‘I know you helped deliver him.’ He was walking a fine line. ‘We can talk another time.’

      ‘Sure.’

      ‘Two more minutes!’ Chris called again.

      ‘I’m going to be working late tonight.’ His voice was low. ‘I can give you a key if you want…’

      ‘I might go home tonight,’ Izzy said, hoping he wouldn’t take up her offer of an out. ‘I’m really tired and you’re working…’

      Except he took it. ‘Sure.’

      And then Chris was walking over, ready to bring Diego up to date with her charges, and Izzy didn’t see him again apart from the back of his shoulders for the rest of the day.

      And that night, when she sat at home, she told herself she was being ridiculous—he was working late, he had every reason to be sombre, and she had been the one to say she’d prefer to go home, but, just as a mother could often pin-point the moment their child became sick long before the doctors were concerned even when the child itself said it was well, Izzy could sense change.

      Even as she tried to leave the past where it belonged, she could sense a shift, could sense a black cloud forming, and it had hovered over Diego today.

      ‘Neonatal Unit—Diego speaking.’

      ‘It’s me.’ Izzy hadn’t really expected him to answer the phone. It was edging towards ten p.m., which meant he had done a double shift. ‘I was just ringing to check up on Tilia.’

      ‘She’s had a good night so far, I think,’ Diego said. ‘I’ll just have a word with the nurse who’s looking after her.’ And she sat there and held her breath as he did what all the nursing staff did when a mother rang at night to check on their baby. She could even hear his voice in the background and Izzy held her breath as he came to the phone. ‘She’s settled and she’s taken her bottle. You can relax, she’s having a good night.’

      ‘Thank you.’

      He said goodnight, he was lovely and kind, but he was Nurse Unit Manager and that was all.

      Something had changed.

      Izzy just knew it.

      The phone rang again and Izzy pounced on it, sure it was Diego, only it wasn’t, and she frowned at the vaguely familiar voice. ‘I’m sorry to trouble you. It’s just that you gave me your number. You’re the only one who seemed to understand it’s not as simple as just leaving…’

      ‘Evelyn?’

      ‘I can’t go on like this.’

      ‘Evelyn.’ Izzy kept her voice calmer than she felt. ‘Where are you now?’

      ‘I’m at home. He’s at the pub…’ Even if she wanted to dwell on Diego or Tilia, or to just go to bed, Izzy pushed it aside and listened. So badly

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