LITMIR.BIZ

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to be killed by your own knife.’

      That was Dahy’s idea of a joke. I smiled, bowed and stashed the knife in my sock.

      ‘OK,’ I said, ‘how do you get up onto one of these monsters?’

      Essa broke off from her goodbye embrace with her father and said, ‘You don’t know how to ride? I don’t believe it!’

      ‘Maybe I should have a T-shirt with I CAN’T RIDE printed on it. That way it won’t come as a shock to everyone that finds out around here.’ Araf pointed to a horse to my left. ‘Is this one mine?’

      He nodded. I examined the magnificent stallion. He was light grey with a wild white mane. As I craned my head back I wondered if I would actually be able to make it all the way up to the saddle.

      ‘Don’t you have any ponies? I rode a pony once at a birthday party.’

      Araf interlaced his fingers together to give me a step up. I put my foot in his cupped hands and he hoisted me up over his head. I had an inkling that Araf was strong but I didn’t realise just how strong. He damn near threw me over the beast without the slightest hint of effort! I arrived on top of my horse and unceremoniously hung onto its neck until I got some semblance of cool.

      ‘Does he have a name?’

      ‘Acorn,’ Gerard replied, and smiled at me. ‘From a tiny acorn grows a mighty oak. He belonged to my son. Acorn here wandered back from the Hazellands after it was destroyed. He is the only thing to have made it out of there alive.’

      I patted the enormous neck in front of me. ‘Well, Acorn, you and me are going to be pals – right?’

      Acorn turned his head and gave me a look with a plum-sized black eye that I unmistakably read as – ‘We’ll see.’

      A servant appeared and informed us that Cialtie’s entourage would be arriving at first light – in about half an hour. Gerard and Dahy pushed aside a wall of hay bales, revealing a back door.

      ‘Do you have any advice on riding this thing?’

      ‘Hold on,’ Araf said, and started through the door.

      Acorn seemed happy to follow the other horses, which was fine with me. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, ‘You just follow those guys and we’ll be OK.’

      He gave me a snort, as if to say, ‘Don’t tell me my business.’

      Even though the doorway was massive, I still had to duck as I went through. My confidence level was low. I couldn’t help thinking what a long drop it was going to be when I fell off this monster. The back exit of the stables led almost directly into a path cut through a field of towering grain. We didn’t have to hurry – the vegetation hid us completely. Just when I thought this horse riding lark wasn’t too bad, the horses broke into a trot. Never in my life have I ever been bounced around so much. I figured another ten minutes of this would ensure that I never had an heir.

      ‘Is riding supposed to be this uncomfortable?’ I asked Araf with a jiggling voice that came out higher than normal.

      ‘Stand up in your stirrups every three gaits,’ he said.

      I did, and what a difference it made. I got into the rhythm of the strides and started feeling like a rider.

      We rode silently in single file for about an hour. I was behind Fergal, Essa was in the lead and Araf brought up the rear. The sun was fully up when we cleared the field. We entered a vast open meadow dotted with two-hundred-foot spire-like poplar trees. The land was green and rolling, a vast emerald carpet scattered with massive poplar exclamation marks. Essa gave what I now know is a hand signal and all of the horses broke into a canter – including Acorn. I grabbed the reins for support and Acorn ground to a halt, pitching me over his head. I flew butt over noggin and landed on the grass – still holding the reins. Luckily the grass was as soft as a gymnastics mat and I hurt nothing. It was probably the first time that I learned a lesson in The Land without pain. An upside-down Acorn gave me a look of pity. The company turned around and rode back.

      ‘Don’t say anything, Araf,’ I said, ‘let me guess. If you pull the reins the horse stops, right?’

      ‘Everyone knows that!’ Fergal said.

      ‘Including me – now,’ I said, slowly standing.

      After two tries at remounting Acorn I said, ‘Why don’t these things come with ladders?’

      Araf dismounted and helped me up. Essa warned me this time and we all broke into a canter. Compared to trotting, cantering is a breeze. My back and arms fell into rhythm with Acorn. I was so delighted with myself I let out a ‘YEE-HA!’ I think a few trees gave me a dirty look. Fergal wanted to know why I shouted. I told him that it was the kind of thing that cowboys did.

      ‘Are they boys that look like cows or cows that look like boys?’ he asked.

      ‘Never mind, just try it – it feels good.’

      He let out a pretty good ‘YEE-HA!’ for a beginner.

      Essa pulled up next to us. ‘If you insist on letting the entire land know where you are, I’ll be leaving now.’

      Fergal and I looked at each other like naughty schoolboys. When she was out of earshot we both let loose with a very quiet ‘yee-ha’ in defiance.

      The sun was low in the sky by the time Essa decided to stop. ‘We’ll make camp here,’ she said. ‘Araf and I will double-check the maps and get some food ready. Fergal, you tend the horses. Conor, go ask for firewood.’

      Everyone dismounted except me. ‘I can’t move,’ I said.

      Fergal laughed and Essa told me to stop acting the fool, but I really couldn’t move. I hurt in places I didn’t even know I had places. We had ridden all day. I was exhausted. After the poplar meadow, all that I really remember of the ride was not stopping for lunch. We begged apples from a particularly unpleasant apple tree (a crab apple maybe) and ate them on horseback. Fergal complained all afternoon. I joined him, but after a while I was so tired, it was painful even to speak. The countryside was a blur after that.

      I looked around to find that everyone had left. ‘I’m not kidding,’ I moaned, ‘I really can’t get off of this thing.’ I flopped forward and dropped my arms around Acorn’s neck. ‘You wouldn’t do me a favour by any chance,’ I whispered in his ear, ‘you wouldn’t mind crouching down so I could roll off?’

      It was meant to be a joke but Acorn did just that! He dropped to his front knees, then his back and then laid his belly on the ground. My stirrups almost touched the ground. With a monumental effort, I hoisted my leg over and flopped face first in the grass. I lifted my head and looked at my new best friend. ‘Thank you, Acorn. I owe you one.’ He stood up and went to find his fellow horses.

      My legs were killing me. All of the hairs on the inside of my thighs had been rubbed out of my skin, which was turning the colour of a Caribbean sunset. After taking my trousers down for a look, I didn’t have the strength to pull them back on. I flopped on my back and instantly fell into a dreamless sleep. It was in this unseemly position that the rest of the group found me – asleep on my back with my trousers at my ankles. Fergal told me later that he tried to wake me up but I just babbled. I didn’t open my eyes until it was dark and the smell of food hit me.

      Dinner was beans around a fire. Essa ate, then walked off by herself. Araf handed me a cup of much-needed willow tea. ‘If I could get some of this tea back to the Real World,’ I said, ‘I could make a fortune.’

      ‘The Real World?’ Fergal said. ‘You’re from the Real World?’

      Me and my big mouth. ‘Yes, I am.’

      ‘So that’s why you say so many stupid things.’

      ‘I don’t say stupid things.’

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