The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus - Eric Morecambe

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only thing he could remember was always being at the castle. Victor was his father, Valeeta was his mother and Vernon was his brother. He could not remember any time of his life when he was not at the castle living with them as a Vampire. He had a vague memory of a childhood fight with Vernon and Vernon lost his temper and said something about ‘… and I wish you hadn’t been brought here’, but it was such a long time ago that he couldn’t really be sure. They sat down to rest for a while.

      ‘Igon.’

      ‘Master.’

      ‘How long have you lived at the castle?’

      ‘All my life. I was born there.’

      ‘You’re human aren’t you?’

      ‘Oh yes, Sire. You only have to look at me to see that.’

      ‘How come you were born at the castle?’

      ‘Mummy worked there.’

      ‘What did your … er … Mummy do and where is she now?’

      ‘Well, she was a nurse to a Doctor Frankenstein’s monster. She used to care for him and get him ready for bed and, of course, when he needed it, she would also change his oil. Then, as far as I know, she ran away with a man from the circus, the tattooed man.’

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      ‘What happened to the monster?’

      ‘She took him with her. They all went with the circus and I’ve never seen her since.’ He wiped a tear from his eye as he always did when he talked about his Mummy. ‘I never knew my Daddy,’ he continued. ‘He was killed. He fell in a vat of wine and, instead of trying to swim, he tried to drink his way out.’

      ‘Good Lord.’

      ‘Yes, he hiccupped to death.’

      ‘Do you remember me being born at the castle?’

      ‘You weren’t born at the castle.’

      ‘Go on,’ Valentine urged.

      ‘Oh no. One night you weren’t there and the next night you were. We were all told you were magic and that you were a special baby but I saw you being brought in by King Victor. You were wrapped in a blanket and he carried you in. That was the only time King Victor came in by the front door and not by the window. He always used the window but not that night.’

      Valentine remained silent for a while as he thought over what he had just been told.

      ‘Do you think I was kidnapped; stolen from my real mother?’

      ‘I don’t understand.’

      ‘Well, if I was kidnapped, that means that the King isn’t my father. The Queen isn’t my mother and Vernon is not my brother.’

      ‘Am I still your friend?’

      ‘More than ever,’ Valentine smiled.

      ‘Well, that’s the only thing that’s important to me.’

      After a pause of a few minutes Valentine spoke again. ‘Igon, we must go deeper into the forest. We have got to get away from Katchem.’

      Igon rose from the log.

      ‘Don’t you see, Igon. I’ve got to find out the truth. I’ve got to find out who I really am.’

      ‘But that’s easy. You are Prince Valentine, Knight of the Garter, Knight of the Realm. Last night, tonight and tomorrow night.’ Igon spoke with solemnity and more than a touch of pride.

      CHAPTER 5

       ‘A President!’ the people cry aloud.

       King Victor quells an angry crowd.

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      The moon shone directly on to King Victor’s coffin through the open window of his room. Inside the open coffin King Victor opened his eyes and lay there thinking about the daymare he had just had.

      After a moment he majestically climbed out of the coffin. But as he stood up he knew that something was out of line. He knew that one or two things would go astray this night. He felt that his biorhythms weren’t so good.

      There was always one thing that Victor liked about being a Vampire and that was, unlike humans, you didn’t have to get dressed when you got up. He was already dressed. He stood there and stretched himself. Then he went into a few late-night exercises. First of all he raised his arms level with his shoulders and practised a few cloak sweeps. He then did a few deep breathing exercises, one every four minutes, and finally sat cross-legged and cross-eyed on the window ledge with the moon full on his face, trying to get a little moonburn.

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      He had a slight headache but he knew that it was his own fault. He had been sleeping with his top hat on in his coffin all night and the coffin wasn’t long enough for him and his top hat so it had squashed down on his forehead. His mother had always told him, ‘Victor, never go to bed with your top hat on, for two reasons. One, it gives you a headache and, two, it puts a quiff in your widow’s peak.’ He felt the front of his widow’s peak and sure enough, there was a quiff there. Mums are always right.

      He had one or two things lined up for the night. He would start off the evening with a few glasses of the red stuff at the tavern, but not too many as it affected his flying. Then, maybe, a little picnic in the graveyard. Yes, that would be nice.

      He glided down from the window ledge and went over to the hat rack where the last Mayor of Katchem was sleeping. He looked at the bat who was hanging upside down from the hat rack. Victor thought he would scare the old bat so he stood on his head and, with a flick of his fingers, awakened the ex-Mayor. The bat opened its eyes and thought he saw King Victor standing the right way up so he turned over and fell to the floor.

      King Victor laughed so hard the moon hid behind a cloud for a moment. He soon had the bat on his shoulder and, knowing that this bat didn’t like leaving the room by the window, walked towards the door as if they were going to leave that way. Suddenly King Victor turned round and ran as fast as he could for the window. The bat, whose eyes were almost popping out of its head, dug his little claws into the shoulder of Victor’s suit and held on for dear life.

      But the King of the Vampires stopped as suddenly as he had started and the impetus took the bat forward and Victor watched him leave the room through the window, alone, as he himself remained firmly in the room.

      The ex-Mayor, who was not the best of flyers, fluttered around outside rather like a dragonfly doing its first solo flight. The King, who enjoyed a cruel joke, watched as the bat flew out of control towards the ground. He then left the window and followed the ex-Mayor down. When the bat thought its time had come, Victor dived underneath it and took it safely on to his shoulder.

      The bat, who was now so nervous that the fear of flying overtook the fear he had for the Vampire, once more dug his claws into Victor’s clothes and grabbed the Vampire’s ear with its sharp teeth. King Victor, who was no more than three feet from Queen Valeeta’s window, veered with the pain to the left of the window and hit the wall very hard. They both slid down the wall to the ground. The bat let go of his master and flapped his wings as hard as he could to keep himself up in the air. King Victor had nothing to hold on to and continued to slide down the wall to land in the slimy moat below.

      Victor’s frightening scream was heard the other end of Gotcha, and most of the inhabitants thought that the end of the world had come. He slowly climbed up the damp wall of his castle, making his way to the Queen’s window. He gingerly climbed into his wife’s room, looking like a not-too-jolly green giant. The Queen, who had been awakened by her husband’s first scream and was now peacefully

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