Becoming Amy - Julia Solovieva

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there and then. I tell her about the picture of the girl in the street, how it felt much more familiar than all the other pictures, how it felt like me, and other pictures did not, and how I was scared that they were trying to persuade me that I am someone else, not who I really am. Doctor Jones looks attentively at me as I am spilling all the crazy on her. She does not make any notes, she just holds the note pad and nods occasionally. When I finally stop to take a breath before I start spilling another portion of crazy on her, she says:

      Has it occurred to you that you might have imagined this picture? – her voice is very calm, her face betrays no emotions, and it seems that she is not that impressed but what I have just told her. – I chose the pictures for that test myself, I have looked through them several times. There is no such picture there, and it could not appear there by accident, because I double- and triple-checked everything. I am a little bit of a control freak, – she smiles with the corners of her lips. She seems to be relaxing now, already dismissing my nightmare for some kind of amnesia-induced stress.

      It has. But it is not just the photo…

      I tell her about the dream, about the girl in the crowd on the street and how the picture seemed the continuation and confirmation of the dream. She nods again and still looks unimpressed. I am beginning to feel somewhat offended – I went through all this emotional turmoil, through all the fear and doubt, and she looks as if I am telling her what I had for breakfast this morning.

      Why would I see this dream, and then, ok, let’s say, imagine the same picture during the test?

      There can be various reasons. You could have seen such a girl… Anywhere, really. Maybe shortly before your accident. And for some reason this is a memory that resurfaced first. It may also be, so to speak, a projection of your own emotional state. You feel lost, don’t you? You are struggling to find out who you are, and are afraid never to find out? The woman in the dream called you a nobody, didn’t she? Isn’t that what you are afraid of?

      It kind of is, and I admit it to her. It all seems so easy and so not scary when Doctor Jones spells it out for me. Finally, I decide to tell her about Amy number two. This at last seems to pique her interest a little bit. When I finish, before she breaks it down into simple facts again, I immediately ask:

      So, is she a projection, too?

      Well, even if you choose not to believe me when I say that we have no other thin blond girls apart from you in this facility… Didn’t you say that you heard no footsteps, or no door opening or closing?

      I did, but I was also deep in my thoughts at the moment, I could have totally missed it.

      You could… But there are still a lot of questions left. Why would the girl leave in the middle of your conversation?

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