Chupped blockheads - Fedor Laburchenko

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and give it to you by morning.

      IGNAT (with a surprised face): Are you serious?!

      BOSS (shouting into the phone): No, damn it, Ignat, you have some nerve! Do I have to report you? If I said “green light”, I mean “green light”. If I say stop, it means stop. Turn off your head and just follow my instructions. When I need you to turn on, I’ll tell you. Is it clear?

      IGNAT (upset): Yes…

      BOSS: So, forward!

      The boss hung up. Ignat threw his smartphone onto the passenger seat and cursed. Got out of the car. He climbed the hill behind him. From there, the man could see the parking lot for special purpose equipment: an excavator, two dump trucks, a bulldozer, a manipulator, and a slightly rusty Niva. Drivers and workers gathered in a circle in the very center of the parking lot: they smoked, talked loudly, and some even played cards. Noticing Ignat, everyone froze, waiting for a signal. He solemnly raised his hand, waited a few seconds, then waved, calling on the drivers to take their seats and move in the indicated direction.

      Scene 2

      Maria usually slept for five or six hours, and it was enough for her. However, the village sleep refused to let the girl escape from its embrace. Getting out of bed with an effort, Maria stretched and went to the yard to perform her morning washing routine. The sewer system in the house had turned off a long time ago because Kolya was too busy to spare time for his house. After taking an outdoor shower, Maria put on a light summer suit and put the kettle on the gas stove to charge herself with energy through a meager breakfast: tea and cheese sandwiches she had prepared for future use back in the city.

      Despite yesterday’s efficient cleaning, there were still places in the house that claimed attention. Maria walked around the house, making today’s work schedule.

      Suddenly the girl heard someone enter the house. Maria hurried to the hallway. A man about forty-five or fifty stood at the door. His appearance inspired confidence: a respectable man wearing a suit and polished shoes, gray hair well styled with a comb and hairspray, a fairly smart face, clever and kind eyes.

      GUEST (smiling and extending his hand): Well, hello, Maria!

      MARIA: Have we met?

      GUEST: You hardly remember me, the last time we met you were knee-high to a duck. Maria tried to remember the man. His face seemed familiar to her, but not to the extent that she could call the stranger by name.

      GUEST: Well, you don’t remember me, so let me introduce myself. Ivan Alekseevich, chairman of this wonderful collective farm.

      MARIA: You mean a head of administration?

      IVAN: Let’s use the phrase “chairman of the collective farm” – this approach makes communicating with the population easier. It just so happened that they trust the chairmen more than the mayors, peers, administrations and other overseas evil spirits.

      MARIA: Okay. As you like, Ivan Alekseevich. Would you like some tea?

      IVAN: No, I never drink at work… I mean… I don’t drink tea either. I have a headache after that… Also… Although no, not also… It just aches.

      Ivan Alekseevich blushed.

      MARIA (taken aback): Some water?

      IVAN: Well, yes! I’ll drink some water. Our water is fine. Did you notice?

      MARIA (smiles): Of course, Ive grown up here!

      IVAN: Well, what did we have at that time? And now, we are even preparing to receive tourists. Now, we’ll come to an agreeement with your grandfather Stepan Fyodorovich, and he will let people visit his spring, and pilgrims will come to us!

      Ivan Alekseevich kept silence for a while, dreaming with his chin raised high. Maria scooped up water from the bucket with a glass and handed it to the chairman. He took a sip and sat down on a stool at the table opposite Maria, who had returned from the kitchen with sandwiches.

      IVAN: Maria, pardon my asking the indiscreet question, but how long will you stay here? You know what the BBC said? “For life”.

      MARIA (surprised): BBC?

      IVAN: Yes, BBC. It’s real name is Grandma Shura.

      MARIA (smiling): Ah, Grandma Shura! Well, Grandma Shura seems to know more than I do, because I haven’t decided yet.

      IVAN: Get used to it, Grandma Shura really knows a lot. She often teaches me how to deal with state affairs. I’ll make notes!

      MARIA: Well, I haven’t decided how long I’ll stay in the village yet. I’m having a tough time right now. I need to take a breath…

      IVAN (jabbers): I see, I see! No need to explain it to me, I understand. And I even know how I can help you. Occupational therapy is the best cure for stress. It’s checked, tested, and patented!

      MARIA (smiles): Good idea! I’m intrigued!

      IVAN: So let’s go straight to the point. I know what kind of education you have, and they also whispered to me about your previous working place. Now, I want to invite you to continue your career on our collective farm as a leading vet.

      MARIA (spreads her hands, shaking her head): Oh, no, being a vet is not my thing at all. I prefer to disable animals … I mean, I can… instead of treating them.

      IVAN: Calm down, Maria. You will neither treat nor maim anyone. You will be just a salaried vet. All your job duties Semenych will perform; in the spring, he is like that wolf from a child’s game: he only manages to catch eggs. Do you know how many bulls we have?

      Maria choked on her sandwich, cleared her throat and sipped tea.

      IVAN (embarrassed): Sorry for God’s sake, I forgot that you are having breakfast. Well, for you, Maria, I have a completely different plan. Based on your CV…

      MARIA (interrupts the chairman): Where, I’m afraid to ask,

      did you get this piece of knowledge about me? Did BBK tell you it, too?

      IVAN (corrected): BBC.

      MARIA: Sorry, BBC. Is the data really from her?

      IVAN: No, no, God forbid, Grandma Shura works in a slightly different direction. However, I personally track valuable specialists who stray into our village by mistake. How else? With our alcoholics you can’t raise the collective farm from its knees!

      Maria remembered Nikolai and sympathized with the chairman.

      IVAN: Oh, what am I doing? I chat too much. I think you should see everything for yourself. This way, you will decide whether to agree on my offer or send chairman Ivan Alekseevich to hell. I invite you to an exciting journey on our farm, Maria!

      Ivan Alekseevich smiled mysteriously and winked at the girl. The man’s face won her favor, and Maria accepted the invitation without thinking twice.

      MARIA: Please wait for me outside, Ivan Alekseevich. I’ll tidy myself up and join you.

      IVAN (smiles): But don’t overdo it! I don’t want anyone to take you straight to the registry office on the way to the farm! We haven’t seen such beautiful girls since Perestroika!

      Maria smiled shyly, and the chairman left the house.

      Scene 3

      The road to the farm wasn’t short. Ivan Alekseevich kept apologizing to Maria now and then for the discomfort of going on foot.

      IVAN (without noticing it, he became less formal): You see, Maria, my driver, Vitalka, is the best of guys! (The chairman stretched a thumb up on his right hand). But he has a problem: when a drop gets into his mouth, that’s the end, welcome to the rodeo. God knows what I did to fight his addiction, but he still periodically reaches for the glass. What can I do? Can I sew his mouth shut? You and I are going on foot now, Masha, because Vitalka

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