Five European Plays - Tom Stoppard

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Weinberl flinches from her gaze, particularly when she gets out her lorgnettes to scrutinize him all the better. Madame Knorr keeps gushing.

      MME KNORR And none too soon. It is such an honour to meet you. I think it is so romantic—you must have swept her off her feet. Tell me, how long have you known each other?

      MRS FISCHER Not long at all.

      WEINBERL No, not long.

      MME KNORR You must have been married with your head in a whirl!

      MRS FISCHER You couldn’t say I went into it with my eyes open.

      MME KNORR Of course you did, and I am sure you have not been disappointed.

      MRS FISCHER Surprised more than disappointed. My husband has a very individual way of dealing with the banalities of ordinary time—I expect we’ll be engaged next week and exchange cards the week after.

      MME KNORR Isn’t she priceless?

      WEINBERL I expect you think I’m rather presumptuous.

      MRS FISCHER No, I wouldn’t say you were presumptuous. Presumption one has encountered before.

      WEINBERL Well, a little forward.

      MRS FISCHER A little forward? You will meet yourself coming back.

      MME KNORR But why so sudden and secret?

      MRS FISCHER There was a reason. My dear husband will tell you.

      MME KNORR Oh do tell.

      WEINBERL My dear wife can tell you just as well as I.

      MRS FISCHER But I would like you to tell her.

      WEINBERL And I would like you to tell her—after all she’s your friend.

      MME KNORR Oh dear, not quarrelling already!

      MRS FISCHER It was a whim of my dear husband’s.

      WEINBERL And at the same time a whim of my dear wife’s.

      MME KNORR But it is extraordinary.

      WEINBERL There is nothing extraorinary about it. When two attractive people …

      MME KNORR A marriage of true minds.

      MRS FISCHER Entirely.

      WEINBERL Yes, indeed. Well, I must be going.

      MRS FISCHER Going? What do you mean?

      WEINBERL I have some business to attend to.

      MRS FISCHER Aren’t you going to see me try on my new Scottish cape? After all it wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t like it.

      WEINBERL Why?

      MRS FISCHER (to Madame Knorr, joshingly) Why?!—isn’t he the soul of generosity? If I like something, that’s enough for him.

      WEINBERL Actually, I think this tartan fad has had its fling, you know.

      MRS FISCHER Had its fling!—such a sense of humour. We’ll take it.

      MME KNORR (to Weinberl) Will it be cash or account?

      WEINBERL Account, I think. Well, if that’s all you wanted … Delighted to have met you at last—my wife has told me so much about you.

      MRS FISCHER Don’t be so impatient, my dear—I’ve had such a wonderful idea.

      WEINBERL One needs a lot of patience in a marriage, I find.

      MRS FISCHER I hope I’ve never given you cause for complaint.

      WEINBERL Oh no.

      MRS FISCHER Have I ever contradicted you on matters large or small?

      WEINBERL No never—much appreciated.

      MRS FISCHER Don’t I do my best to enter into your ideas against all reason?

      WEINBERL You do, you do. And since you make a point of doing so I am sure you won’t mind if I now leave you with your friend and your Scottish cape and go about my business.

      MRS FISCHER I would mind very much. Out of courtesy to Madame Knorr I cannot let you forget that your only business today is to take us out to a celebration supper.

      MME KNORR A celebration supper! Isn’t fate extraordinary! I was hoping my fiancée would pin me down at the Black and White Chop House tonight, but, not for the first time, he preferred to stand me up.

      WEINBERL Did he?

      MME KNORR He did.

       The next seven speeches apply only if Zangler’s sextet has put in its appearance in the street scene.

      I thought I would be getting a little gold band.

      WEINBERL And you didn’t?

      MME KNORR I did not. It turned out to be a little brass band.

      WEINBERL Did it?

      MME KNORR It did.

      WEINBERL Did your finger turn green?

      MME KNORR I turned green. But now the evening promises to turn out just as memorable.

      MRS FISCHER So you will oblige us, won’t you?

      WEINBERL I would adore to but alas—

      MRS FISCHER Very well!—Eugenia, my dear, I’m afraid I have to tell you—that this man—

      WEINBERL Why don’t we all walk around to the Black and White Chop House and raise a foaming tankard to our happiness. And after that I really must dash.

      MRS FISCHER The Black and White Chop House? I’m sure it will cause no surprise to anyone here that you would prefer to treat us to somewhere a little better than that. I can change into my new Scottish ensemble. We’ll need a cab.

      MME KNORR That’s a wonderful idea! I do think your wife deserves a kiss for that.

      WEINBERL Do you think so?

      MME KNORR Oh, I do!

      WEINBERL Well, I’m not going to deny anyone their due. Permit me.

       Weinberl kisses Mrs Fischer, to her embarrassment.

      MME KNORR Do you call that a kiss? You don’t have to stand on ceremony in front of me.

      WEINBERL Oh very well. (He gives her a lingering kiss on the mouth.) And in case my bride has any more good ideas I’ll give her one on account.

       He kisses her again. Christopher enters the shop.

      CHRISTOPHER All clear.

      WEINBERL Ah, there you are. I don’t think you’ve met my wife. This is my cousin from the country. I’m the kissing cousin, he’s the country cousin. My wife—my wife’s friend, Madame Knorr—my cousin—the four of us are going to have supper together at … (He looks enquiringly at Mrs Fischer.)

      MRS FISCHER The Imperial Gardens Café.

      WEINBERL

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