The Long Walk Back - Rachel Dove

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to shut down, and your heart stopped.’

      I frowned. ‘So how am I talking to you?’

      Kate looked away from me, and I tried to sit up. She placed her other hand on my chest, stilling me.

      ‘No, please, don’t try to move.’

      I looked at her again, and I knew. I reached for the sheet, and pulled it back. She said nothing, standing and helping me to pull the cover down slowly. My right leg was still bandaged up, my toes poking out of the end, but my left leg looked different. My brain seemed to short out a second, and I wiggled my toes. Wiggled them again. My brain told me that I had just wiggled ten toes, but my eyes told me different. On my left leg, where my toes should have been, there was just the expanse of the bed. My leg was bandaged, and stopped just below where my knee should be. I became aware of a high-pitched gurgle, an unholy sound, and I looked from my legs to Kate and then around the room, searching for the source of the noise.

      Kate touched my face, cupping my cheeks between her hands, and turned me to face her. ‘I am so sorry, Captain. I am so sorry. You need to stay calm, your stitches are still fresh.’

      It was then that I realised that the noise was coming from me, but I still couldn’t stop it. It was like my soul was ripping itself in two, and I laid back against the covers as my head swam.

      Looking down at my legs again, I closed my eyes tight.

      ‘Put the cover back,’ I begged. Kate wrapped me up again, checking the monitor, her face a mask of stricken pain.

      ‘Do you need more pain relief?’ she asked softly. I nodded, and she turned to the fluid bag my IV drip was connected to.

      I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to catch sight of my broken body under the sheets.

      Kate took a seat in the chair beside me, and I turned my head to look at her. Her face soothed me, and I didn’t have the strength to unpick at the whys and wherefores in that moment.

      ‘You were crashing, so I made a call. You didn’t make it, we had to revive you twice. I had no choice, you must know that.’

      I felt as though she had slapped me. ‘You took my leg?’ I said gruffly.

      I watched tears spring into her eyes, and she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek, and she wiped at it quickly, erasing the evidence.

      ‘Yes, I did.’

      I nodded. The drugs started to kick in again, the pain in my body numbing. I didn’t try to fight the sleep that was coming, it felt like sweet oblivion was sweeping in to take me away, and I welcomed it. I whispered something, my voice giving out, and Kate leaned closer, her ear hovering over my mouth. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and I felt a twitch in my lower body. I would have laughed at the inappropriateness of it all, but I couldn’t muster the energy.

      ‘What did you say?’ she asked. She went to fill a cup with water and put the straw near my mouth. I took a sip and felt the coolness of the water drifting down my throat. I tried again to spit out the words that were screaming inside my brain like a pinball in an arcade machine.

      ‘You should have let me die,’ I breathed, and sleep took me under.

      ‘What the hell are you playing at, Kate?’ Trevor boomed as she entered his office. ‘The nursing staff tell me you did an unauthorised amputation on Cooper. Last I heard, he was crashing and we had instructions to let him go down. He told us we didn’t have permission to operate, but you did it anyway. Do you know how much trouble you are in?’ Trevor was pacing up and down behind his desk, Cooper’s file bouncing around in his hands as he gesticulated wildly with his arms. ‘Abby says he didn’t change his mind, but he didn’t sign the DNR either. The staff weren’t sure what to do, but you knew! We were both there when he told us his choice. Not only have you probably pissed off a decorated serviceman, but you have jeopardised your own career, and the work that we do here. Do you know what bad press can do for our operations? They could shut us down Kate, and then we can’t help our guys out here.’

      Kate was unapologetic. She couldn’t regret her decision. She wouldn’t. He had to live, she couldn’t explain why this man meant so much to her, at this point in time and place. He irritated the hell out of her. He spoke to her like he was living in the fifties in a bad guys and dolls movie. He was stubborn, surly, moody. Yet she couldn’t bear to think of him just slipping away. She knew in her gut that he wasn’t done. Even if no one else could see it, and it cost her career, if she knew he made it, she knew she would never regret her decision. All or nothing.

      Cooper hadn’t spoken again, he was still sleeping off the meds. She had stayed at his bedside all night, checking his vitals, and now she had a crick in her neck and a heavy weight deep in the pit of her stomach. She had watched him sleep fitfully, his temperature spiking as his body fought off the remnants of the infection. Around five that morning, he had turned the corner, his vitals stabilising. Taking his leg had saved his life, and Kate was so relieved she could cry. His words however, would haunt her for the rest of her days, and she wasn’t looking forward to facing him once he woke up. She wondered whether he would ever be thankful for what she did, given time and a new life. Hopefully she could help him get to that stage before he went home. Talk him around. Trevor must have read her thoughts, and the look he gave her told her that he was in full on professional mode.

      ‘You are off the case Kate, I advise you to keep a low profile. He didn’t put his wishes in writing, so when he wakes up, we will just have to see how it plays out. I will try to protect you if I can, but you need to realise just how serious this is, and how stupid you have been.’

      Kate shook her head. ‘You told me to save him, I saved him. He can’t expect us to just let him die, I would rather live with one leg than die.’

      Trevor stared at her, his anger evident in his expression. ‘Exactly. You would. That would be your choice, too. The fact is Kate, he is a grown man, an army man, he knew what he wanted and you listened and still chose to ignore him. It is exactly that – his life, not yours. What you would do in his shoes is irrelevant, and you know it.’ Trevor winced at his own choice of words, but said nothing. He looked tired, and Kate realised that had they not been such good friends, she would already be relieved of duty and on the next plane home.

      She nodded at him, accepting his words and looking down at the floor. She turned to leave when her phone rang. Seeing her husband’s name flash up on her screen, she looked at Trevor. ‘It’s Neil.’

      He waved her away. ‘I will speak to you later, but Kate, I’m disappointed. I taught you better than this.’

      His words hit her like a bullet to the heart, and she flinched. She didn’t trust herself not to cry, so she kept her mouth shut, hitting the answer button on her phone.

      ‘What?’ She shouted down the phone. Neil’s voice sprang back just as angry. Great, now she had annoyed him. She had pushed her mood straight down his throat, when they were meant to be figuring things out. She walked towards her bed, wishing that the day was over already.

      Abby came into the small office area off the ward, to see Kate surrounded by various charts and files.

      ‘He got you doing paperwork? I swear, he’s in such a rotten mood today.’ Kate smiled at her friend, standing up from her position sprawled out on the hard canvas covered floor and stretching out her aching limbs.

      ‘Yep, it’s my punishment, and I am afraid the bad mood is probably down to me too. I’m really sorry that I put you all in that position. It was my choice, you shouldn’t have to suffer.’

      ‘I get it Kate, you had the ability to save him, and you didn’t want to let him just slip away like that. I get it. Anyway, it’s done

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