LITMIR.BIZ

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on 60 Minute Makeover.

      ‘We killed the last journalist who came to stay with us,’ said a voice behind me. I turned around. It was the Duke. ‘Only joking,’ he said, before I had the chance to reply.

      ‘Now, come on, everybody sit,’ he ordered.

      I was sitting between a man who was wearing bright yellow socks with his tweed outfit, called Barny, and another guest called Max. Barny, I learned, was actually called Barnaby and he was fifty-first in line to the throne. He didn’t have a job, but lived at the family estate in Gloucestershire and spent his time shooting. When he wasn’t shooting, he told me, he was fishing or horse racing.

      ‘Oh,’ I said, starting to run out of small talk. He seemed obsessed with killing things. ‘So do you travel much?’

      ‘No,’ he said firmly, ‘going abroad is ghastly. Apart from the Alps. I go skiing three or four times a year. I’d like to go hunting tigers in India, but they’re making it very tricky to do that these days.’

      ‘Barny, you can’t say that sort of thing,’ said Max, joining the conversation. ‘Polly, I’m so sorry. Barny is completely appalling, but we’ve all been friends since school and we can’t seem to shake him off.’

      ‘How rude,’ said Barny. ‘No shooting invitation for you this year, Maximillian.’

      ‘You see, Polly? Barny blackmails us into being friends with him. Tragic.’

      I looked along to Jasper, positioned at the head of the table, with two blondes sitting either side and smiling at him in an adoring fashion. His ideal habitat, I suspected. He’d loosened the collar around his neck and was leaning forwards on the table, telling them some story. He reached for a bottle in front of him and topped up both their glasses while still talking, then put the bottle back and looked down the table at me. He caught my eye and winked. Please, I thought, I’m not that easy.

      I turned to Max, sensing if not an ally then at least someone I might be able to hold a conversation with, and asked him about the others. ‘Max,’ I began, ‘who is everyone else here? I mean, obviously, I know about Jasper and his family. But I’m not sure about anyone else. Do you know them all?’

      ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, folding his napkin and putting it on the table.

      ‘What do you mean?’

      ‘Well, just poor you. Having to come to this. Do we all seem totally absurd?’ Max asked.

      I wasn’t sure how to answer. ‘No,’ I said after a pause. ‘I’m just trying to gauge who everybody is.’

      ‘OK, let me talk you through them all. So, next to Jasper’s father is Willy Naseby-Dawson, she’s…’

      I looked at the blonde girl again. ‘Why’s she called Willy if she’s a girl?’

      ‘Short for Wilhelmina. She’s from a German family, she’s Barny’s wife. Poor thing. And then on her other side is Archie Spiffington, who’s married to the girl Barny’s talking to now, Jessica. They got married last year because she was pregnant – her father was very upset at that and insisted on them getting hitched. Her family’s disgustingly rich. Her great-great-grandfather invented the railway or something. Anyway, big wedding in London, then six months later along comes their son Ludo, who’s now about seven months, I think. I’m the godfather.’

      ‘Oh, sweet, where’s Ludo?’

      ‘No idea, with the nanny in London probably. And then, on Jessica’s other side is Seb – Sebastian, Lord Ullswater. He’s a fairly dubious character who used to be in the Army and now sells weapons to anyone who’ll buy them. And he’s married to that girl on the other side of Jasper, the girl on my right, who’s called Muffy.’

      ‘And what about you?’ I asked him.

      ‘What do you mean, what about me?’

      ‘Are you married?’

      Max threw his head back and laughed. ‘I’m gay, my darling. Can you not tell because I’m wearing such manly trousers?’

      ‘Oh, right,’ I said, blushing. ‘Although, you could still get married.’

      ‘Yes, that’s true,’ he said, nodding.

      ‘Have you got a boyfriend?’

      ‘No. Not terribly good with boyfriends.’

      ‘Max,’ said Barny, from my other side. ‘None of us want to hear about your love life over pudding.’

      ‘I wish there was one, Barny, old boy. But it’s been slow-going of late.’

      ‘You should meet my flatmate, Joe,’ I said to Max. ‘You’re just his type.’

      ‘Oh really? What’s his type?’

      ‘Well, actually, quite wide ranging, I’d say. But dark, handsome and funny. And you’re all of those.’

      ‘Right,’ bellowed the Duke from the other end of the room, slamming his fists down on the table. ‘Finish up your pudding and let’s get going.’

      ‘Come on then,’ Max said to me. Then he called down the table, ‘Jasper, I’m stealing Polly to stand with me this afternoon. Violet, why don’t you go with your brother? I need to talk to Polly about her flatmate.’

      Jasper’s sister. I’d barely noticed the woman sitting three to my left. She seemed much quieter than her talkative brother.

      ‘Fine by me,’ said Violet, carefully putting her napkin back on the table. ‘If anyone wants to borrow another layer then shout, it looks like rain this afternoon.’

      It started raining while I stood behind Max waiting for the shooting to start again. Having defrosted enough to handle a knife and fork over lunch, my hands were stiff with cold again. Max stood, gun slung over his arm, cigarette dangling from his lips.

      ‘You all right?’ He glanced back at me.

      ‘Yes, yes, fine. Who needs hands anyway?’

      ‘You going back to London after this?’

      ‘No, I’m staying tonight. I haven’t had my interview with Jasper yet.’

      He exhaled smoke into the air. ‘That’s brave. Have you talked much to their Graces?’

      ‘Who?’

      ‘The Duke and Duchess.’

      ‘No, not really.’ I squinted in the distance to see the Duke standing at the other end of the field. The Duchess had announced after lunch that she wasn’t coming out that afternoon because she had work to do in her hen house.

      ‘They’re barking,’ said Max, grinding his cigarette out in the mud with his boot. ‘Truly barking.’

      ‘I’ve noticed.’

      ‘Which is why Jasper is a bit… complicated sometimes.’

      ‘You’ve known him for ever?’

      He nodded again. ‘We were at prep school together. Then the same house at Eton, until he got kicked out. Then Edinburgh University.’ He paused. ‘He’s been a good friend. Stood up for me at school when I came out. Not that my sexuality was a huge surprise to anyone. I mean, darling, look at me!’

      I laughed. Max was wearing tweed, but also pink socks, a pink shirt, a yellow tie and a pink beanie.

      ‘So, he’s been a good friend,’ he carried on. ‘And, I know we all get a bit carried away sometimes…’

      ‘Carried away?’

      ‘Those pictures, after he broke up with Caz, are a case in point.’ Max raised his eyebrows at me. ‘Anyway, Jasper knows exactly who told the papers he’d broken

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