A Texas Ta-Ta's Take on Internet Dating - Penny MD Mahon

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looking at her, you should have had the good social graces not to say anything about it.” I’m not sure which school he attended to learn his social graces, but at the school of “My Mama,” I learned, you don’t put up with that crap! Can you believe the nerve of some people? Did I forget to mention that he had been single for twenty years, and what do you suppose was the reason for that? I guess we could say, Mr. Looky Loo is “still looking.” Sparkling blue eyes, my ass, I’ll betcha they’re contacts!

      Chapter 3

      Mr. Wrong Way Corrigan

      If any of you have ever tried any Internet dating you know that you first fill out a Profile about yourself, and what you are looking for. The profile has everything from places you’d like to visit, your hobbies, dream date scenarios to your favorite books. It also states what you are looking for in a prospective partner, for example; religion, political views, body type, age, likes/dislikes, smoking/drinking preferences and whether or not children are in the picture. With this information, you can eliminate a lot of crap right off the bat.

      I had stated a certain age range in my profile and the next gentleman I met was definitely over the limit. My requested age range was 48-58(my age is 55, the new 45, so I’ve heard). (NTR: anyone over the age of 50 simply can’t keep up with her in almost any area. I’m nine years younger and she runs circles around me!...L).

      One day I received an email from a man who said he was 65. He began telling me how narrow-minded I was by imposing an age limit and emphatically stated that he was NOT your typical 65 year old. According to him, he was in great shape, ate right and was full of life. He also said that he was good looking (NTR...Be afraid, be very afraid when they state that they are good-looking. Nine times out of ten, they aren’t! They are delusional...L). Not only that, but he lived within five miles of me. Pay attention, as this little tidbit will be important later on.

      After giving it some thought, perhaps he was right, and I shouldn’t have pre-judged him based on age alone. We set up a lunch date. We picked a local restaurant and since we were from the same neighborhood, we both were very familiar with it. I arrived, got a table and began to wait. And wait, and wait and wait (NTR...and the minutes were ticking by, because she had time to call me at least twice...L).

      After thirty-five minutes of waiting and two phone calls asking for directions, he finally arrived. “Is there some memory loss here?” I asked myself, “or could this be a navigational error?” That made me think of...Attempting a flight from New York to California in 1938, Douglas Corrigan wound up in Ireland, supposedly due to a compass error. Considering that my date had less than a two-mile drive, I wondered if his failure to locate the restaurant was due to his own malfunctioning compass.

      He wasn’t really unattractive, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he was good-looking either. He didn’t exactly lie. He was in pretty good shape, although a bit frail. But, as far as “full of life,” I had my doubts. I was expecting Sean Connery, but instead got a tall, thin California Raisin. He began conversation by disclosing all of his medical history, and after 65 years, there was quite a bit. Now, I’m not sure if that’s good lunch conversation or not. Who really wants to hear about your removed gallbladder, hemorrhoidectomy or ruptured appendix over Sushi? My imagination began to take over and I was seeing body parts wrapped in the rice paper. (Note to any Male Readers...anything that should normally be covered by skin, is off limits in dating conversation, that’s just a bit “too much information” for us women...L).

      Just when I thought my appetite might come back, he told me about his prostrate surgery. He went one to say that even though he’d also had prostrate surgery, I needn’t worry, because everything was in good working order (wink, wink). The conversation took a new slant about that time and he began to tell me about the women that he had met who were in this just for sex. Now, if I were in it just for sex, I wouldn’t be choosing someone his age, working parts or not. My idea of someone for hot sex is a young stud about 33 years old, with washboard abs, bulging biceps and various other parts.

      Then, Corrigan lowered the boom. It seemed that one of his main qualifications for compatibility is proximity. I wondered if it was because he was geographically or navigationally challenged. Corrigan looked at me, winked and said, “We may not be truly compatible, but we do live close enough for me to come over for a “late night booty call.” Late night booty call? What is he thinking? My mind automatically leaped to his pre-flight checklist:

      •Silk boxers...check

      •Barry White CD...check

      •Edible Body lotion...check

      •Karma Sutra manual...check

      •Condoms...check

      •Viagra....check

      •And,... difibulator.

      Considering that this man lived in the same neighborhood, stated he knew where the restaurant was and got lost twice; I don’t think he could have found my house, unless I left a trail of suppositories from his front door to mine, even if I was out of my mind enough to call him!

      But, in his defense, he was the only gentleman who saw me safely to my car. For future reference, ladies, if a guy doesn’t walk you to your car, that doesn’t necessarily mean that his Mama didn’t teach him right. According to the Internet Dating rules, some women feel threatened by that and it’s rarely done. Deciding to leave Wrong Way in the hangar, I revved up my engine and prepared for take-off.

      Chapter 4

      Mr. Pure Heart

      After my third encounter, I was seriously thinking about calling it quits. But according to Lisa’s business strategy, you have to get ten “no’s” before you get a “yes,” and I assumed this applied to dating as well.

      Let me tell you, this next one was certainly easy on the eyes and oozing with sex appeal. The way he filled out a pair of Levis made my mind run to thoughts of silk sheets and wanton behavior. He was a full-blood Native American complete with long black hair, hard muscles and a turquoise necklace. His smooth, tanned face and handsome, chiseled features were upstaged only slightly by his piercing black eyes. This guy was the real deal. He made turquoise and silver jewelry, and taught and performed Native American dances.

      We were sitting on the patio outside Starbucks (another great place for a first meeting. As we began our “coffee date”, I could hardly concentrate on anything he said, because my mind was listening to the tribal drums beating in my chest. Oh, who was I kidding? Those drums weren’t in my chest at all, they were a whole lot lower. I brought myself back to reality and began to listen. And boy, was I in for a surprise! Not only was he good on the outside, he was good on the inside too. He made me think of one of those pinwheel cookies, delicious, hard and brown on the outside and soft sweet and fluffy on the inside.

      As the conversation continued, I was distracted by a familiar vehicle. Whenever you go on one of these “so-called dates,” remember to tell one of your friends, where you are going, with whom you are meeting and what you are planning to do. I couldn’t place the car at first, because after all, I was deep into my “You Big Chief, Me Squaw fantasy!” As the car continued to go round and round and round me, my fantasy was replaced by visions of wagons pulled into a circle, surrounded by attacking Indians. My so-called coffee date had turned into a three hour pow-wow and Lisa, was apparently getting worried. She later told me she had visions of my head pierced by a tomahawk. I had visions of being pierced by another hard object and I’ll leave that to your imagination, but Lisa would have been really upset had I taken the lid off the cookie jar. (NTR: In my own defense, she was with a complete stranger! Although, he did look pretty HOT from the back view as I drove by, but by the third time around I glimpsed the “shit eating grin” on her face and left promptly, thinking I hadn’t been discovered...L). However, I was completely safe. Not only was this guy really attractive, but; he was genuinely intelligent, personable and just plain nice.

      Alas, Pure Heart was too nice for me. Not only was he

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