LITMIR.BIZ

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also not afraid to laugh at ourselves, wear goofy clothes, travel the wide open spaces or embarrass our children. We live life to the fullest and we love completely and passionately. That love extends to God foremost, our families, the men and women who serve our country, sisters of all colors, races and religions, and bless their little hearts, the testosterone laden of America!

      If you are a woman with some of these characteristics, you may be a Texas Ta-Ta in training. So, take a walk on the wild side, throw caution to the wind, form your posse and create your own group of Ta-Tas, cause we want to hear from you. Just contact us thru the website, www.texastatas.com, and feel free to spread the word!

      Internet dating may be our first take on a worthy subject, but it certainly won’t be our last. We hope you look forward to our next exciting adventure! With big ole hugs and kisses....

      The Texas Ta-Tas

      Chapter 1

      Mr. Superficial Slug

      It seems that proper criteria is to go to a restaurant, bar or the proverbial coffee shop for your first “meeting.” It’s usually recommended that you do this in the afternoon or early evening, go in your own car and make sure that one friend knows exactly where you are. Now a friend that truly has your back will have pre-arranged a “get out of date call” at about 30 minutes into it. This leaves you the option of creating an urgent need to leave, or not if the date is going well. I don’t think this really fools them, hell they probably have some kind of “back out plan” too.

      I was so excited about meeting this guy, that after having made the obligatory emails and telephone calls, I agreed to meet this guy for breakfast. How dangerous could it be sitting next to a stack of buttermilk pancakes with four choices of syrup? My hormones over-rode my good sense, because I agreed to meet this guy at 3:00 in the morning. (NTR...I had no clue that she was meeting a guy for BREAKFAST and read her the riot act afterwards! I had visions of “Woman dismembered at Denny’s, news flash at 11:00!”...L).

      Everyone knows what a slug is and believe me ladies, this guy is the King of all Slugs. He was six feet tall, with an athletic build and very GQ. By GQ, I mean well fitting slacks (and, I do mean well), starched oxford shirt, Gucci loafers complete with tassels and matching belt. From the looks of him, he was definitely younger, which is just fine by me. He had a smile like a 100-watt light bulb and a thick head of dark, shiny hair. He was articulate, and seemed every bit a gentleman. That initial feeling of nervousness evaporated quickly, once he turned on the charm, and for a brief moment (and, I do mean brief), I saw myself picking out a wedding gown. This guy was attractive, funny and knew his way around women. He was so honest in his dishonesty, that I actually liked him. As an experienced Internet dater, he began to tell me the “dos” and “don’ts” of the internet dating world and boy, I hung on every word. As the conversation continued, little bits of the real slime ball came out.

      Now, I’m a very direct woman, and I pretty much say what’s on my mind, so I had no problem in asking him what I thought were probing questions. Finally, I must have asked the wrong question, because as I began delving into his reasons for being on the dating website, he revealed to me that he had been in love and engaged recently. “Inquiring minds want to know,” so I asked, “well, what happened?” He dramatically sighed, pushed his Hugh Grant hair out of his eyes and said, “After careful deliberation and painstaking soul-searching on my part and a consultation with my Pastor, I realized that I am shallow. I just couldn’t see myself with this woman for the rest of my life.” I sat there in anticipation awaiting the horrible truth he would reveal about his ex-fiancé. He sighed again and said, “You know, I’m an only child and it’s so important to my mother to carry on my name, but, (and he meant it, literally) I know that her BUTT would have gotten too big after she got pregnant. I just couldn’t let my friends see me with a fat chick.”

      Now ladies, I don’t need to go any further. As I sat in stunned silence, my hands clinching and unclinching the salt shaker, I realized that my only REAL course of action was to utter the words, “check please.” I left promptly and he slimed his way out the door, leaving a trail of goo behind him.

      Chapter 2

      Mr. Looky Loo

      Next, I met an accountant who seemed to be a little closer to my own age. Again, we had the customary emails and telephone calls, and in spite of my last experience, I decided to try it again. We agreed to meet on a Sunday afternoon for a drink. (NTR: I was getting a little worried here, because she was moving extremely fast and furious for a first dating weekend, having had two dates in less than twenty-four hours. I guess, once you’re out there, you’re out there. Maybe it’s like waiving a red flag in front of a bull!...L).

      He arrived wearing a tropical shirt, khaki shorts, hair in tact and was reasonably good-looking. He was tall and fit, with sparkling blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Mama said you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and I don’t want to seem shallow, but personally, I like a man with a fine head of hair. Upon opening remarks, he appeared to be funny and charming. He told me that he enjoyed “people watching,” which is also one of my favorite past times. Little did I realize, his definition of “people-watching” and mine were very different.

       We were seated on the patio and things began to go very well. We seemed to be on the same page, conversation was flowing and he asked me if I’d like to have something to eat. Just so you know, girls, a typical first meeting usually starts with coffee or a drink. If the meeting extends into an invitation to either lunch or dinner, then it’s pretty safe to assume that something about you is tickling his fancy. I interpreted that as a good sign, and we ordered nachos and Margaritas. At about the same time we placed our order, two casually dressed women were seated at the table adjacent to us.

      Our conversation continued, but I realized that he wasn’t really into it. He began to glance more and more at one of the women at the next table. This continued all through the meal and finally, he literally turned his chair to face her instead of me. What had started as an occasional glance turned into a full-fledged Oglefest! Soon, I became aware that I was the one getting the occasional glances. Now ladies, I’m not Angelina Jolie, Katherine Zeta Jones or even Raquel Welch, but I’m not chopped liver either! On a good day, I could pass for Lorrie Morgan’s older sister. And for those of you who don’t know who Lorrie Morgan is, she’s a cute, blonde country western singer who is best known for having dating Troy Aikman, our very own famous Dallas Cowboy quarterback. This gal didn’t have anything on me, except the hair. What is it with men and long hair? That hair could be so dry, it would break faster than my Aunt Audrey’s peanut brittle passed around on Bingo night. And the style could be so lank and stringy, that it looks just like the rejected mop in the “Swifter” commercial. But, if it touches those shoulders or below, then look out, it’s competition! (NTR...The hairdresser must speak out. I have an answer to why men like long hair on women, because it gets in their face! Real women don’t give a rat’s ass...L) I decided then and there to wrap up this date and cut my losses.

      As we walked outside, we began to exchange that awkward after date conversation and Mr. Looky Loo replied, “I think this went pretty well, don’t you?” Well, I should have just kept my mouth shut, but as I said before, that’s not me. I looked him dead in the eye (which was one of the few times he was looking at me) and told him that actually, I didn’t think we were quite suited for one another. I was trying to be nice, but he pushed me for more information. Finally, I just let it rip. I said “Maybe you should just go back into the restaurant and ask your other date for her number, since you spent more time looking at her than at me!”

      Surprise, surprise, could this guy have been anything other than an accountant? I’ll bet he was really good at his job, because he certainly had figures on the brain! Everywhere he looked, he saw figures and I’m not talking about numbers.

      By the time I had gotten home, and was reliving the date with Lisa (NTR...Had I been on this date, I would have left after the first 5-6 glances,

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