A Texas Ta-Ta's Take on Internet Dating. Penny MD Mahon. Юмористические стихи. . Читать онлайн. Литмир. LITMIR.BIZ

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Introduction - Opening the Barn Door

Once upon a time there was a princess, and it makes no difference which kind. The short version is, the princess was looking for true love. Whether she ate the poisoned apple, pricked her finger, was trapped in a tower, or let her hair grow down to her ass, she was still a princess. Well, I’ve eaten some pretty rotten apples and met a whole lot of pricks and my hair barely comes to my ears, but I too, am looking for love.

From an early age, little girls are force-fed the stories about true love and living happily ever-after. BUT, NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU HOW TO FIND IT! Where are the cookie crumbs leading to the cottage filled with Mr. Right, Prince Charming, The One, or in my case, The Cowboy in the White Hat? No matter what you call him, are we really supposed to believe that we can fall into a deep slumber and seven little dwarves are going to lead him straight to our lips?

Being born women, we all have the “shoe” gene. But when was the last time your were in your favorite shoe store, and a prince was waiting to try a glass slipper on your foot? Fess up, how many toads have you kissed, hoping one would transform into not necessarily a prince, but at least a man that didn’t give you warts? These stories might be true in the world of fairytales, but here in the real world, it just ain’t happening! Love does not sneak up and bite you on the butt! You have to take the bull by the horns and go get it.

Deep down inside of me, I really want to believe that there is a soul mate out there for each and every one of us. But with the luck I’ve had lately, I’m thinking it’s a slim chance; and, Slim’s on a bus to Amarillo. Since there were no boots under my bed, my friend, Lisa, decided to look for my next love in some unusual places.

She apparently decided that my “dry spell” had turned into a full-fledge drought. It wasn’t raining men, so Lisa decided to enlist the help of the Internet. (note to reader “NTR”: “YEAH, I DID!! She was getting so bitchy to me during this “dry spell” that it was either find her a man or take her out to the woodshed and shoot her. In the world of “best friends,” a friend’s gotta do what a friend’s gotta do. Penny has a limited knowledge of the computer, but I, on the other hand, know my way around the Internet. I signed her up, I posted her pictures, I wrote an amazing profile and then I broke the news to her on the telephone...CALL ME CRAZY!!...Lisa “L”).

I was stunned and mystified and a little bit pissed, until I began to see the responses I was getting. I had never seen so many men that looked like they were legitimately vying for my attention. When it first starts, it can be a huge boost to your ego. Very quickly, you find yourself completely overwhelmed and in the middle of a shark feeding frenzy and you’re the chum. It is certainly an eye-opening experience (NTR....There were so many responses to her Profile, that I had to do preliminary screenings to weed out some of the crap. In addition, she reminds me on a daily basis that I certainly didn’t catch them all...Lisa).

After about twelve months of having my profile held to scrutiny for the entire male population, I realize that I may not be any better off than I was before I started. The number of men who have viewed me is so staggering, I may as well have been staked naked to the 50 yard line of a Monday Night football game. Out of that number, I have yet to ride off into the sunset with that good guy in the white hat.

However, don’t let me discourage you, I have met a few really nice guys, and I actually had some fun. I know of several couples that have met through Internet Dating and are now either engaged or married. IT CAN HAPPEN! Some of you may have already tried Internet Dating. Who knows, you could even be one of these success stories. But if you were one of the not-so-successful ones, like me, maybe it’s because no one told you what to expect. On all the dating websites I visited, I never found the link that said “Download the operations manual.” Navigating the dating world can be a very difficult task.

We’ve always heard that everybody’s different. But, I can’t send you out there in the world of Internet Dating, without the knowledge to know just how different they are. With this book in hand, you and your friends (even the married ones) will have a better understanding of what to expect. If on the off chance, you’re reading this book and you are of the male persuasion, take note, as this may turn out to be your blueprint for what “not to do” in internet dating. So have patience, an open mind and be prepared for the fact that you may need to saddle up more than one horse for the ride of your life.

“Let’s Talk Ta-Tas”

You may have noticed that this book is written by The Texas Ta-Tas. And, I know the first thing on your mind is “What the hell is a Ta-Ta?” We’re not talking about any normal ta-tas here, we are talking about The Texas Ta-Tas. These Ta-Tas are not beautiful mounds of soft flesh, with juicy little nozzles permanently attached. No, it goes way beyond that. However, even if I do say so myself, our ta-tas ain’t bad.

From the time of birth, a man must be “hard-wired” to zone in on the ta-tas. Now, that’s understandable when you’re an infant and breast-feeding. Can you tell me at exactly what age they’re supposed to get re-programmed to take in all the other physical traits of a woman? I thought not. Apparently, they see us as two huge boobs, bouncing from place to place. Why do we even have arms, legs and feet, much less a face, when they never look at them? Remember that movie, “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask?” and the giant boob was just bouncing randomly down the hill, squirting milk?” It’s kinda like that. Every woman everywhere has experienced this more than once, and, we need to figure out a way to reboot these guys. But, our thoughts on that will be discussed at a later date.

With that in mind, these Ta-Tas are about attitude, not appendages. And Texas women are known for having plenty of ATTITUDE! Attitude is not just exclusive to Texas, I’ll bet some of you women from Wisconsin and even New Hampshire, can get kinda rowdy when you want to. Texas Ta-Tas are women who have worked hard all of their lives, experienced as many bad times as good, have the ability to laugh at themselves (and others, cause what’s the fun of just laughing at yourself?), and been responsible for the happiness of themselves as well as others. It’s been said that the bond between mother and child is unbreakable. As women, we all know there is another bond out there that surpasses all understanding. We all recognize our own. By now, you have a grasp of what a Texas Ta-Ta is. But, down in Texas we want to make darn sure that we’re on the same page. So, below is our recipe.

Recipe for The Texas Ta-Ta

Take two cups of Steel Magnolias

3 scoops of the Sweet Potato Queens

1 stick of Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Throw in a pinch of craziness from the Red Hat Ladies Society

Only a dash of Pussycat Dolls (too much could leave yourself wide open for serious problems)

And garnish with the courage of Thelma and Louise

Mix all this together and you get women, with the Spirit of Texas in our Souls, adventure in our hearts and the courage to dare to be different. We’re not afraid of

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