The Dead Fathers Club - Matt Haig

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Dads Ghost had gone I went downstairs and I went to the bookshelf in the office and got the book called Murder Most Foul. When I came out of the office Mum was on the stairs and she had all her Make Up on and her tight jeans and her white top with the little crocodile on it and she said Whats that behind your back?

      I said Its a book on Romans.

      She clapped her hands and said in her Pulling Herself Together voice Well come on youve got to get up. Weve got to get you some money for Hadrians Wall.

      I went upstairs and hid the book under the bed and then I got ready.

      When we got to the Hole in the Wall she typed the numbers and made a noise and typed the numbers again and made another noise and then she typed the numbers again and said No.

      I looked at her and she said in a whisper voice No. Why? No.

      And we went inside the bank and stood in the line and waited and a big fatso woman came and said Is anyone paying in a cheque?

      Mum said No but the machines just swallowed my card.

      The big fatso woman said Youll have to go to the Enquiry Desk.

      Mum said Money went in three days ago theres nothing wrong with the card.

      The big fatso woman said Theyll be able to help you at the Enquiry Desk.

      Mum said It normally clears straight away.

      The big fatso woman said The Enquiry Desk is just over there.

      She pointed to the Enquiry Desk and me and Mum went to a sign that was like a big black lollipop and we waited behind it and we waited a long time because an old man in an old man coat was getting cross with a woman who was nodding at the old man and saying things that made him more cross.

      And I looked round at all of the people and all of the people looked very sad except the people behind the desk and the people in the banks posters and the banks leaflets. All the poster people looked very happy and they all smiled and they had all white behind them like they were in Heaven.

      Mum got to the woman with the big smile and robot eyes behind the desk and said The machines just swallowed my card. I dont know why its

      The woman said Right is this your bank?

      Mum said Yes I was trying to get money out of my

      The woman had a name badge that said Janice Greenfield. She said Right if I can take some details Ill check it on the computer.

      Janice Greenfield asked questions and Mum said her answers.

      Janice Greenfield said Carol Noble right? Mrs?

      Mum said Yes.

      Janice Greenfield smiled and typed on the computer and said Right yes youre actually over your limit.

      Mum said No I cant be no I

      Janice Greenfield said Right according to the computer youve made a number of payments over your limit.

      Mum said Money went in yesterday.

      Janice Greenfield said Right.

      She typed more things on the computer and said Right. Yes its here. But it still doesnt cover the payments.

      And Mum looked behind her at the line of sad people and then said to Janice Greenfield in a quiet voice How can I get my card back? I need it today.

      Janice Greenfield said Right well Ill see if we can squeeze you in with a Customer Advisor.

      And she looked in a big book and she nodded into the book and then smiled at Mum and said Yes if youd just like to follow me Mrs Noble.

      And we followed Janice Greenfield to some chairs and she went and then a man in glasses and weird shoulders came out of a door and said Mrs Noble and Mum went in the room and I was left on my own on the chair.

      And then Dads Ghost flickered on right in front of me in the bank and he said There is not much time.

      I said For what?

      He said To kill Uncle Alan.

      I said Why?

      He said Every year of my life becomes a day.

      I said What?

      A man with a briefcase and a long umbrella like a sword walked through Dads Ghost and he looked at me like I was mad and then he went outside.

      Dads Ghost said This is the No Time.

      I said Whats the No Time?

      He said The period when Revenge must be taken.

      I said What if it isnt taken?

      He said My spirit will never rest and I will always suffer the Terrors. Ray Goodwin says they get worse until every ghost ends up as quiet as the Victorian. Ray tried to escape the Terrors but he couldnt. No one could see him. Not even his daughter. But Ive got you Philip. You can help me escape Philip. Youve got to help me Rest In Peace.

      I didnt want Dad to suffer the Terrors so I said How long is the No Time?

      He said It lasts until my next birthday.

      Dads Birthday was December the 10th. It was September the 25th today.

      Dads Ghost said Youve got 11 weeks Philip.

      I did a sum in my head and said 77 days.

      Dad said Yes.

      I said Im going to Hadrians Wall.

      He nodded and said You must go. You must act as if everything is normal or youll place your Mum in great danger Philip. You must do it when you come back.

      Then he said December the 10th. That is when we run out of time.

      I said December the 10th.

      Dads Ghost said If you ever loved me Philip. If you ever loved me at all you will let me rest.

      I didn’t want Dad to feel the Terrors for ever so I said I will.

      He said Youre a good son.

      And Mum came out of the room and said Philip who on EARTH are you talking to?

      Dads Ghost was looking at me and he said Dont tell her Philip she cant know.

      I didnt say anything and she looked at my face and saw something in it that made her not cross with me and she walked out and I walked out with her and she said Stupid bloody bank.

      Dads Ghost had flickered out when we got to the Ka car and Mum had sort of flickered out because she wasnt saying anything. She drove the wrong way and I wondered where we were going and then we parked outside of Uncle Alans Garage.

      Uncle Alan owns the Garage with another man who is called Mr Fairview. Mr Fairview is a Bible Basher but Mr Fairview never goes to the Garage because he is not a MECHANIC like Uncle Alan.

      Uncle Alan has got a lot of money and so has Mr Fairview and when you have a lot of money you are friends with other people with lots of money like in a Club.

      Uncle Alan once wanted to give Dad some money to get half of the Castle but Dad said No and Mum and Dad rowed and Mum smashed the blue and white salad bowl they got on holiday in Majorca. That was the holiday we went in a Glass Bottom Boat and saw the fish under water.

      Mum looked in the mirror in the car and said I wont be a minute Philip.

      I was scared of Mum seeing Uncle Alan because he was a murderer but I tried to act normal like Dads Ghost told me and I said to Mum OK.

      Mum likes Uncle Alan because he is a Charmer. A Charmer is a type of man that women like and it is men who look in womens eyes and smile with only one half of their mouth normally the right side. A Charmer is normally divorced and Uncle Alan is divorced to a woman called Trisha who isnt murdered. Trisha lives in Devon and Mum says she takes painkillers even when she doesnt have a headache.

      Uncle Alan wears a blue uniform and he always has black on

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