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comes back again whenever those

      who scrutinize your faults are these same friends:

      “He is a bit pugnacious, and offends50 the keener noses of the present day.”

      He may feel ridiculed when people say

      he cuts his hair the way that bumpkins do,

      his toga drags, and an ill-fitting shoe

      keeps slipping off, but he's a decent guy—55

      you won't find someone better if you try,

      and vast capacities may hide within

      that fellow's unsophisticated skin.

      Once finished, shake yourself to check if seeds

      of evil in your nature or bad deeds60

      are sown within you; in neglected fields

      we need to burn away the weedy yields.

      Let's turn now to this subject: being blind,

      a man who is in love can never find

      his girlfriend's blemishes and may extol65

      her flaws, just like Balbinus and the mole

      of Hagna. With our friends I wish we'd make

      a reasonably similar mistake

      and ethics labeled it accordingly—

      for if a friend has some deformity70

      we should, like fathers with their kids, not shun

      the handicap. A dad will name a son

      who's crosseyed “Blinky.” If he is as tall

      as Sisyphus the Midget, he will call

      the son “Small Fry.” A bowlegged boy who limps75

      will be affectionately known as “Gimps”

      and one with twisted anklebones who hobbles

      unsteadily will win the nickname “Wobbles.”

      Somebody's tight with money? Let's just say

      that he's “quite frugal.” Does a man display80

      few signs of tactfulness or self-restraint?

      Within his social crowd, he tries to paint

      himself as “eager.” Is somebody loud

      and blunt? Let's call him “candid” and “uncowed.”

      Obnoxious? Let's relabel him “empassioned.”85

      For me this practice shows how bonds are fashioned

      and preserved once formed, and yet we turn

      good habits on their head and foul an urn

      that was pristine. When someone lives nearby

      who is an unassuming, honest guy,90

      we'll call him “Ox” or “Sluggo.” One who glides

      past every obstacle and always hides

      his naked flank from likely enemies

      while life is churning with its jealousies

      and innuendos will be labeled “fake”95

      or “too conniving”—never “wide awake”

      or “shrewd”—though if a person's so sincere

      (as I would think, Maecenas, I appear

      to you so often) that he'll interject,

      perhaps, with chitchat, as his friends reflect100

      or read, we say he's short on savoir faire.

      Alas! Despite remaining unaware

      of adverse consequences, we endure

      this rule inflicted on ourselves! For sure,

      there's no one born without some faults; the best105

      possess those less substantial than the rest.

      As is fair, any worthwhile friend will balance

      my deficiencies against my talents,

      and if he wants my friendship, he'll place weight

      upon my qualities that compensate110

      for my shortcomings—if, in fact, they do!

      And if he is intending to pursue

      my friendship, fairness means he must be weighed

      upon that scale. No one should be dismayed

      if he discovers pimples on a friend—115

      unless he wants his own warts to offend.

      If absolution is what someone wants,

      he should expect to grant the same response.

      Moreover, since we can't completely weed

      out violent rage and errors of that breed120

      for people stuck with their stupidity,

      why couldn't Reason with validity

      rely upon its weights and measurements

      and match fair penalties to each offense?

      Suppose a servant who had cleared a dish125

      had licked some lukewarm sauce and tried the fish,

      and then suppose his master had replied

      by ordering the slave be crucified.

      Sane men would call him more delirious

      than Labeo. How much more serious130

      and crazy would you call this violation? A friend commits a minor provocation which you must overlook or otherwise be thought ungracious. You then demonize him and avoid him like that man in debt135 who stays the furthest distance he can get from Ruso; once the dreaded Kalends come, unless that debtor somehow finds a sum of cash or loan, he's collared by the throat and has to listen to each anecdote140 that Ruso ever wrote. That friend may pee upon your couch while on a drinking spree or send Evander's cherished saucer flying off the table. Is this or, when dying of hunger, plucking chicken from your plate145 a reason why a friend is second-rate? What is my recourse if the fellow steals, betrays my trust, or welshes on his deals?

      When up against the truth, those who proclaim

      that all transgressions are about the same150

      start hyperventilating. They deny

      both instinct and tradition, and defy

      expediency, which appears to be

      the source of fairness and equality.

      When brute-like men, a mute and lawless pack,155

      first crawled into the world, they would attack

      each other with their fists and nails, and then

      with clubs, to steal an acorn or a den,

      and then eventually armaments

      that were developed by experience160

      until they found the nouns and verbs that brought

      their cries and stirrings into realms of thought.

      Soon they were shunning conflict, fortifying

      villages and making laws—denying

      everyone the chance to pillage, loot,165

      or carry off their wives, since the pursuit

      of cunts provoked the most horrific wars

      before Helen, though history ignores

      men slain by those who were more powerful

      while they were blithely rutting like a bull170

      within his herd. If you decide to scan

      the records of the history of man,

      you will concede that we created courts

      from fear of lawlessness. When nature

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