Love Skills - Linda Carroll

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big a deal. My partner just takes it too personally. ______ 6.Though I feel guilty about it, I think about cheating to get some novelty and zing in the bedroom — even if it’s just one time. ______ 7.The only time sexual passion returns is after we fight. ______ 8.I’ve secretly gone through my partner’s phone, laptop, social-media accounts, email, drawers, pockets, and the like to see if I find anything suspicious. ______ 9.I am committed to my relationship, but the way we are together doesn’t work as it once did, and I don’t know how to change it. ______ 10.I’m high-strung around my partner and feel I need to walk on eggshells. I feel as though I can’t do anything the way my partner wants me to. ______ 11.We keep fighting about the same thing! We think we’ve finally settled the issue, and then — BAM! — it flares up again. ______ 12.We are two very different people. I’m shocked I didn’t see it when we first got together. ______ 13.I seldom hold back my criticism of my partner. ______ 14.I don’t think my partner and I have the same moral standards, which makes me think less of my partner. ______ 15.I’m starting to doubt we can last. ______ 16.I think I still love my partner, but I’m not 100 percent certain. ______ 17.I spend a lot of time in my life with people and activities that matter and don’t share much about them or include my partner in them. ______ 18.My life is starting to become more separate from my partner’s; we make plans without considering each other, and the time we spend together is more convenient than intentional. ______ 19.We don’t compliment each other anymore. I can’t recall the last time my partner called me smart, attractive, sexy, or funny. ______ 20.Saying “I love you,” “I miss you,” and “I want you” have pretty much disappeared from our vocabulary. ______ TOTAL SCORE ______

      Stage Four: The Decision

Score
1.I’m completely worn down from all of our fighting and bickering. ______
2.I barely recall why we fell in love. ______
3.I just can’t do this anymore; something has to change. ______
4.The only times I have strong emotions toward my partner are when we’re arguing or when I’m emotionally breaking down. ______
5.I speak critically of my partner to friends, family, and sometimes even new acquaintances. ______
6.I feel that the cons of staying in this relationship outweigh the pros now. ______
7.I fantasize about being single or being in a happy relationship with someone else. ______
8.I play out and rehearse our “breakup talk” in my head. ______
9.I’ve never been lonelier, even though I’m in a relationship. ______
10.There are times I don’t even like my partner, and I wonder if that will become the new norm. ______
11.Most things I’d prefer to do alone or with a friend rather than with my partner, even important stuff like making big purchases or getting career advice. ______
12.I’m not sure what the next step in our relationship is, and to be honest, I’m not sure I care. Whatever it is, it just needs to happen soon. ______
13.When I see other people in happy, healthy relationships, it makes me sad. It reminds me that mine is neither happy nor healthy. ______
14.I can’t help but look for the flaws in my partner. I never give my partner the benefit of the doubt, and I’m not sure he or she even deserves it. ______
15.I care about my partner, but sometimes I’m indifferent to the deeper things we shared. ______
16.I think I lost myself in this relationship. I need to be my own person again rather than just being part of a couple. ______
17.We don’t even argue with passion anymore. We just give up. ______
18.Going to events or social gatherings together feels like a facade; we tend to take part in separate conversations. ______
19.Most of our conversations are essentially small talk now — that is, if we’re talking at all. ______
20.The tension and animosity in our home is almost palpable. I feel weighed down in my own house. ______
TOTAL SCORE ______

      Stage Five: Wholehearted Love

Score
1.I recognize that my partner and I are separate people and that we have to accept each other for who we are. ______
2.I’m almost always open to having difficult conversations about “us.” ______
3.When we talk, I actively listen and seek to understand my partner’s point of view, even if I don’t fully agree with it. ______
4.Silences between us aren’t filled with tension, nor do they necessarily indicate an issue between us. ______
5.I’m comfortable being myself around my partner. ______
6.My self-worth isn’t determined by my relationship. ______
7.I acknowledge that I may have idealized love in the past, but now I see that love is more than passion, sex, and novelty. Love is also about kindness, companionship, and collaboration. ______
8.I realize that our relationship will continue to ebb and flow. Someday we’ll have an argument again, but what matters is how we approach and handle the argument. ______
9.We’ve had very tough times together, but I now see that we were able

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