Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky

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would you do without me, peasants. And I’m not afraid to die. I am my…

      – .. from blinking. – Introduced Idot and, taking his leave, for the bastard.

      – Cattle! – The old woman slapped on the shoulder with the boy’s palm and, picking up her fang, tore the cork from the bottle. Sniffed. “Wine..” she smiled, and sucked the contents in a gulp. Swallowed and grunted. – Kryaaaa! cool.

      – Well? asked the Toad, swallowing saliva.

      – Fine. Already something in my head began to play.

      – Yes bullshit it. – Idot answered squeamishly, having drunk his bottle.

      – Yes, hell knows. But is it old?! – said, looking around his already empty bottle, Toad.

      – And let’s have one more.. – the cheerful grandmother suggested. – Tatars do not live without a couple.

      – So there are only three left. – Idot was indignant. – What shall we hand over?

      – Listen, but what?! To drink, to drink like that, royally. Once we live. And the bottles are already antique. They are empty or full. Bottles are appreciated, not wine.

      And they drank the other three glasses. They sat on a log and lit a cigarette: Idot – Marlboro, Toad – Belomor, and grandmother Clavka in the old fashion – a goat leg. So they passed out, without finishing smoking, sitting…

      Apulase FOUR

      – Ahhhh!! Ahhh!!! – heard from the yard.

      – What? – jumped out of bed Ottila, asking himself. His mind was still in a dream and he slowly fell onto the pillow and immediately snored.

      – Ahhhh!!! – Blop jumped up again and fell upside down from the bed. – Oh damn. – He grabbed his forehead with his palm. – What are you yelling, fool?

      Pale Isolda Fifovna entered the room with her eyes wide, covering both mouths with a gaping mouth.

      – Aa, aa. she snapped and pointed a finger toward the door.

      – What else? – sitting on the floor asked Klop.

      – There, in the barn…

      – What is it in the barn? speak more clearly…

      – There is a dead cat…

      – What cat? Ottila asked again, rubbing his swollen forehead. – What are you talking about?

      – Mummy! – Having spread her eyes to the floor of her voice, she said.

      – Right now, let’s see. – Ottila got to his feet and went barefoot in his underpants to the barn.

      Yesterday, he returned late at night, when everyone was sleeping and therefore did not ask about the tricks of the prisoners. Zhinka followed him.

      The barn looked cluttered. All misplaced scattered remained unchanged. Osteroid Odnoglazovich was sitting in the middle of the trash: a pensioner, a labor veteran, a cattleman of the sixth category, born on the day of astronautics. The husband of Grandma Klawka, more precisely, Claudius Aldarovna von Schluchenberg, daughter of the Baron, illegitimate son of Lenin. She told everyone that.

      – What are you doing here? asked Ottil, an old man suffering from dystrophy.

      – I’m sitting. – Grandfather calmly answered and tightened the phone.

      – I see that you are not working.

      – And what are you asking then?

      – How did you get here? – added Isolda bass.

      – Go, I’ll figure it out. said Bedbug to his wife and turned to his grandfather. – Answer.

      – Out through the hole in the wall, Osteroid nodded his head.

      Ottila made his way through the trash to a hole in the wall and saw the back of a cow that lifted its tail. He looked up at her and was horrified: the roofs of the houses were visible.

      – Is there a street or something? he asked his grandfather.

      – Heh, of course.

      – And where is all my cattle? – The first thing that came to mind Klopu, who with lateral vision and ear sensory hairs looked around the barn from the inside. “Yes, take your ass off,” he cried out and pulled the cow’s tail. She, in revenge, poured him a stream, like from a fire hose, with a pressure of one hundred atmospheres.

      Ottila flew away from the pressure by two meters to the back and nape plunged into pig manure. Isolda ran to him to help by inertia and crouched leaned his head against her magnificent chest. And she wanted to sob…

      – Fu! – She squeamishly threw off her head back in the shit and with lateral vision she watched as the pressure of the machi pouring from the hole died down: “Muuuu!!!” – the cow growled, dartanula and took her back, waving her tail from the bzyk. and other insects.

      – Where is the key? – the grandfather asked and let out a ring of smoke.

      – What is the key? – Hebrew answered Bedbug, rising from dung shit.

      – My wife, whom you condemned into slavery!!! – Osteroid bellowed and leaning on his knees with his hands stood up. His face expressed death.

      – Isolde!!

      – What, honey?

      – Where did you see the cat?

      – There, the hole. She climbed out of here and moved? – fell into the color of Isold. – I wanted to scam her, looking, and she turned into a mummy and this grandfather-babai.

      – Where is my wife, fascist? – worried Osteroid.

      Where are these migrant workers? – asked Klop Wife.

      – I do not know? – shrugged Isolde. – Last night they were sitting in a threesome, here.

      – And then? – Ottila got up. – And you – sit down, now we’ll figure it out.

      – And then I went to bed.

      – Where did they go? The two are okay, but the Toad?! He is punished by arrest with forced labor. They escaped. The escape!!! Call Intsefalata, urgently. We have an escape.

      – And where is my wife? – Grandfather said in a trembling voice.

      – She did not come to practice forced labor. She will sit the same … – the Bedbug was furious.

      – Boss!!! Apchi, said the Intsephalopath, and appeared in a hole from the side of the street.

      – Oh, are you already here? – What are you yelling? – jumped out Bedbug. – Quick, praise.

      – Blablabla, apchi, patron, are you here? I thought you were in the house, so I shouted.

      – What for?

      – So, this, apchi, I brought…

      – Whom?

      “Chemist, apchi,” replied Intsephalopath, and instead of his mug, a redhead appeared in the hole, covered in acne and eels, a slanting, blue-red-eyed muzzle of a villager and immediately changed to Arutunov’s face.

      – Well, how? – asked the corporal.

      – What how? – Otila froze inquiring sour. – You, che, are you offering it to me? I’m married, please…

      – No, the cartridge, I detained him, apchi, – And the Incephalopath shoved the Chemist into the hole, – crawl, come on, thick asshole. – But he got stuck with the mentioned place in her. As they say: neither tudy nor syudy. That’s right, a half centner in the advertised place. So the ass did not enter. Acephalopath

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