LITMIR.BIZ

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at Ellie. ‘It was horrible. I used to look at men who were about the age I thought my father might be and wonder if they were our dad.’

      Ellie ran her fingers down his arm. ‘That’s horrid. Did you never try to track him down through phone directories or electoral rolls when you were older?’

      ‘Mum refused to tell us his name or where he came from, not even what he did for a living. Nothing. It was as though he’d never existed.’

      ‘Her way of coping, maybe?’

      ‘Possibly, but as kids we didn’t understand that. Hell, as an adult I still find it hard to accept.’ He wasn’t admitting to the equally awful thought that maybe his mother hadn’t known who their father was because she’d slept with more than one man at the time they were conceived. As Gaylene had done with him, but they hadn’t been a couple until she’d learned she was pregnant.

      As far as his mum was concerned, he wouldn’t judge her. His mother’s life hadn’t been easy growing up. Her father had been a bully and a thug to both her and her mother, and was not the kind of man a daughter could rely on for love and safety.

      Understanding was blinking out at him from those hazel eyes less than a metre away. ‘So when Gaylene declared you were the father of her baby you stepped up because no child of yours would not know their father.’

      ‘Got it in one. Not that Gaylene knew my story, but she sure went for the jugular. In her eyes it didn’t hurt that I was destined to become that head of department I’d planned on and would be earning a fat salary when I got there.’ He tasted the sourness in his mouth. Thought he was long past letting what she’d done hurt him, huh? Thank goodness he hadn’t loved her. That would’ve really turned him beyond bitter.

      ‘You’d have married someone you didn’t love for your child? Wouldn’t it have been better for everyone to have remained single but fully involved with that child?’ Ellie made everything seem so simple. Was that how she looked at life? A memory rose of her spitting words in his face, defending Baldwin when he’d tried to make her see reality. He’s a real man, of course he’s played the field, but now he’s settling down—with me, she’d insisted.

      Now she was here, without a wedding ring on her finger, and a change of name. Not so simple, eh?

      ‘Didn’t matter in the end,’ he sighed. It hadn’t been as straightforward as Ellie made it sound. Certainly not when Gaylene had been pressuring him so hard. He hadn’t wanted to appear not to be taking his responsibilities seriously but at the same time it hadn’t been easy to accept he was going to be a father when he’d spent his adult life doing his damnedest not to become one. ‘I would never put any child through what Angelique and I had to deal with. Never.’ Which was why he wasn’t going to have children. Not only hadn’t he known his father, his grandfather had been the worst example of a parent. He’d often wondered if having bad male role models on both sides of his family meant he’d be a terrible father, had inherited some chromosome that made men bad. He wasn’t going to find out because if he was like them then it would be too late for any offspring he procreated.

      ‘Oh, Luca, I never knew.’ She locked those eyes on his. ‘Not that I was meant to. I get that, too. But for the record I think you’d be a wonderful father. Just in case...’ Her words trailed off.

      Had the bile rising in his throat been that obvious? ‘Thanks for the vote of confidence. It’s good to know someone believes in me so blindly.’

      ‘Ouch. You’re not playing fair. I know you, have seen you working with children when they’re in pain and terrified, still remember you cuddling Angelique’s wee boy only hours after he was born. You have the right instincts, believe me.’ This time she sipped her beer.

      He’d like nothing more than to believe her, but that would be a huge leap of faith, right off the edge of the planet, in fact. He settled with, ‘Wee Johnny is now at school and whipping up merry hell with his teachers. He wants to be an All Black without having to go through the usual channels.’ Johnny was a great kid, so bright and busy and full of beans. He missed him.

      ‘Is he? Got a photo?’ Ellie seemed keen to get away from the uncomfortable conversation they’d been having.

      He tugged his phone from the back pocket of his pants and tapped the icons. ‘There. Isn’t he a handsome dude?’

      Snatching the phone from his grasp, Ellie stared at the picture. ‘Just like his uncle.’

      ‘I’m handsome?’

      ‘I meant cheeky and obviously up to mischief.’ She swiped the screen, moving on to more photos of his nephew. And Angelique. ‘Oh. Your sister looks so much like your mother now.’

      As in sad and bitter? ‘Yes, the spitting image.’ In every way. ‘I tried to make up for Johnny not having a father, but for her I can’t be anything but a brother.’ Not even a good one now. Anger welled up. ‘How could she have done the same thing as Mum? She knew what it was like not having a dad around the place. Hated it, and swore she’d never let her kids go unloved.’

      ‘Hey.’ Ellie’s hand was back on his arm, warm and soft.

      Almost sexy—if she wasn’t a friend and that wasn’t a friendly gesture. What was going on? Luca blinked. ‘What?’

      ‘Angelique’s not as strong as you. Never was. Remember when you used to insist she should be studying at university for a career and she wanted to work in a café? She liked what she was doing, and you couldn’t change who she was.’

      ‘Yeah, I’ve finally worked that out.’ Focus, man. On the conversation and nothing else. He had to be out of sorts because of Ellie’s sudden reappearance in his life. He’d missed her. A lot. Yeah, that was all that odd sensation around her touch was about.

      She hadn’t finished. ‘But, Luca, you support her, stand by her and look out for her son. That’s huge.’ Ellie sounded so sure, it was scary.

      ‘Wrong. I’m over here, not at home, aren’t I?’ Guilt ramped up, but Angelique had told him to get out of her life and stop interfering with how she raised her son just about the time his carefully planned career was getting on top of him. It had begun to seem a hollow victory when there was no one to share it with. He’d started questioning everything he’d believed in. Except not being a parent. That was non-negotiable. No exceptions.

      Hot spices wafted through the air and four small plates of mouth-watering food appeared on the counter in front of them. Perfect timing. This talking with Ellie was getting too deep and uncomfortable.

      She was licking her lips and sniffing the air like a dog on the scent. He did what he always did when the going got tough—he grinned. Amazing how that helped all the tension fall away. However temporary, it felt good to be with her knowing she wouldn’t try to rip him off or take something from him he didn’t want to give. Good friends were rare and priceless. And El was the best. So why did he feel he had to keep reminding himself of that? It was as though something had changed between them that he couldn’t fathom. Luca shrugged. He had four weeks to work it out before she headed home again.

      The woman distracting him said, ‘Tell me more about the clinic.’

      A reprieve, then. ‘It’s heartbreaking seeing what these children deal with, and yet uplifting because of their sunny natures and how they take it all in their little strides.’

      * * *

      ‘I was really moved today when the kids gathered around me, all chatter and laughter when they’d never met me.’ The sticky rice and peanut sauce were delicious. Ellie forked up more and watched Luca do the same. He’d told her more about his past tonight than in all the previous years she’d known him. He’d surprised her, but then today had been full of surprises on all fronts.

      Thinking back, she saw where she’d missed little clues about his past. Whenever talk had got around to families he’d been reticent, and she couldn’t remember what he’d said about his father except he hadn’t been

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