LITMIR.BIZ

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      ‘Which is something you might never get the chance to do with me.’

      It was Jim’s turn to look confused. ‘What… what do you mean? Amber?’

      ‘I don’t know if I can have kids, Jim. That’s what I mean.’

      Jim was still confused, his heart beating like a drum as he watched her wring her hands, her eyes staring straight ahead. ‘Amber? Honey? I don’t understand…’

      ‘I guess you’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’

      This whole day was turning out to be one big mind-fuck. For both of them. What the hell was she talking about?

      He sat down next to her, trying once more to take her hand but she wasn’t giving in, even though, right now, she needed her husband more than she’d ever needed him before. But she needed the husband she’d had ten minutes ago, not the one sitting beside her now.

      ‘Ever since I was young – very young – I’ve known that there’s a chance I might not be able to conceive a child of my own,’ Amber began, surprised to find that no tears were ready to fall, even though she felt like crying. She really, really felt like crying. ‘A ruptured appendix and a nice dose of peritonitis saw to that. But I clung to hope, you know? Tried to look on the positive side of things because I hate being a pessimist. It’s such hard work.’

      Jim couldn’t help a small smile appearing as traces of the Amber he knew and loved tried to show themselves. But, at the same time, what she was telling him was quite hard to take in.

      ‘But there comes a time when you’ve just got to face up to the truth.’ She looked straight at him, her eyes boring into his. ‘Even if it isn’t something you want to face up to at all.’

      ‘Amber, baby…’

      She turned away from him again, her hands still clasped in her lap, although she’d stopped wringing them now and had started fiddling with her wedding ring instead. ‘When you walked back into my life I fell in love so hard, Jim. If I’d ever fallen out of love with you in the first place, that is. Which I don’t think I ever did. And this might surprise you, but I’ve always wanted that happy family kind of thing – marriage, domesticity, husband… two-point-four kids. I’ve always wanted that. It just had to be with the right man, that’s all.’ She looked at him, and this time he was sure he felt his heart breaking. There was so much sadness in her eyes and he’d added to that – again. ‘You were that right man, Jim. You always have been. I married my dream guy, don’t you see?’ She let out a slightly cynical laugh, once more diverting her eyes away from his.

      ‘Why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? When you said you wanted a baby I had no idea…’

      ‘For a few days I just wanted to believe that everything would be simple. That we’d go to bed, make love, and hey presto, I’d fall pregnant. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt about that scenario.’

      ‘Amber, honey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me.’

      She slowly turned her head, tears now threatening big time, stinging her eyes. ‘But that scenario is probably never going to happen now.’

      ‘You don’t know that,’ Jim said quietly, trying to reach for her hand yet again, but still she resisted.

      ‘I’ve seen a doctor. He’s a specialist in this field and… Debbie got me an appointment.’

      ‘Debbie? Why… why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? Jesus, you told Debbie?’

      ‘She’s my friend, Jim. And I had to talk to someone.’

      ‘I’m your husband…’

      ‘And I didn’t see the need to tell you until I knew what I was dealing with.’

      He looked down at his own hands, also clasped tightly in his lap. ‘Shit, Amber…’ He looked back up at her, his stomach turning over and over so many times, he couldn’t seem to stop it. ‘And… and what are we dealing with?’

      She shrugged, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but… I’ve got to go and see Dr. Lowry – the specialist – tomorrow. I guess I’ll find out then.’

      ‘Tomorrow? You… you mean you’ve gone through all of this on your own?’

      ‘I’ve had Debbie with me. She’s been amazing.’

      Jim stood up, pacing the floor. He’d thought all he’d have to face today would be the aftermath of Amber finding out about Brandon, but this was crazy. This was something else. He’d had no idea she’d been going through all that. He’d had no idea just how much she wanted a baby. His baby. Why the hell hadn’t she just talked to him?

      ‘I’m coming with you. Tomorrow,’ Jim said, sitting back down beside her. ‘I want to be there, I want to be with you.’

      Amber shook her head. ‘No, Jim, I… I’m still trying to get my head around the bombshell that you’re Brandon Palmer’s dad, and that’s enough to deal with right now. So I’m not sure I…’ Not sure she was what? What wasn’t she sure of? She couldn’t even think straight right now let alone make any real decisions. ‘I just don’t know if I want you there.’

      ‘Amber, honey, I’m your husband, and I love you…’

      She stared at him. ‘Do you? Do you really? Only, you keep doing this to me, Jim. You keep throwing shit at me and then expect me to deal with it just like that, and I really don’t know if I’ve got the energy to deal with any of it anymore.’

      He gave one last attempt to take her hand, and this time she relented, letting his fingers wrap around hers. She was right. She didn’t have the energy to deal with it, but she also knew she had no other choice left now but to try.

      ‘I want to make this right, Amber. And I don’t even know how to start explaining things to you because there’s no excuse for keeping something so big from you… there’s no excuse.’

      She threw her head back and sighed, closing her eyes for a second as though that short space of time would give her some clarity on this situation. Like that was going to happen any time soon. ‘I take it he’s using his first game for Wearside Spartans to announce the family link, am I right?’

      Jim nodded, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

      ‘Why, Jim? Why keep him a secret all this time? Because you’re right, that hasn’t been fair on him, never mind me.’

      ‘I don’t know, Amber,’ Jim sighed, looking down at their joined hands. ‘I don’t know why I do half the things I do sometimes. All I know is that having you back in my life… I didn’t want anything to jeopardise that.’

      ‘We’re talking about your son here, Jim. A real-life human being…’ The phone ringing stopped her from going on and she reached over to the bedside table, picking up the receiver and answering the call immediately. ‘Hey, Ronnie.’ She’d recognised his mobile number flashing up on the screen.

      ‘Did you know about this?’ he asked, his voice full of something she could only assume was surprise. ‘Did you know Brandon Palmer is…?’

      ‘I know,’ she said, interrupting him before he could finish the sentence. ‘Jim’s told me.’

      ‘Oh, so now he’s decided to tell you? I’m assuming you had no idea about any of this before?’

      ‘No,’ Amber replied, her voice quiet but steady, despite the somewhat surreal events surrounding her. ‘No, I didn’t. But that’s not the impression we’re going to give everybody else, okay?’

      Jim’s expression changed to one of confusion again as she spoke, an emotion that also seemed to have taken over Ronnie’s tone on the other end of the line.

      ‘Huh?

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