Anger Management For Dummies - W. Doyle Gentry For Dummies

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a useful way for some types of interruptions. For example, you may be able to tell family members you need to have them stop texting you at work. However, numerous delays and frustrations inevitably happen. Allowing anger to run out of control won’t help; instead, it will merely flood you with unnecessary stress.

Experiencing dishonesty or disappointment

      When people let you down, whether they renege on a promise or simply lie, it’s pretty common to feel annoyed, upset, or angry. And most people encounter these events off and on throughout their lives. For example:

      ✔ Your partner or spouse cheats on you.

      ✔ Your boss fails to promote you or give you a raise as promised.

      ✔ A close friend forgets your birthday.

      ✔ A friend fails to help with moving as she said she would.

      ✔ A coworker makes up a lie to get out of work one day.

      ✔ Your kid tells a lie about hitting his brother.

      

Of course, it’s normal to feel irritated or even angry about all these triggers. However, we suggest that you try to figure out which types of events happen to you the most often and, more importantly, cause you the most anger.

Encountering threats to self-esteem

      People like to feel reasonably good about themselves. Even people who have low self-esteem usually don’t like to experience put-downs and criticism. Some people react to self-esteem threats with sadness and/or self-loathing, whereas others respond with anger. These threats can be either realistic and deserved or quite unfair, as noted in the earlier section in this chapter “Being treated unfairly.” A few examples of self-esteem threats include

      ✔ Receiving a bad grade or evaluation

      ✔ Getting insulted or disrespected

      ✔ Making a mistake in front of other people

      ✔ Spilling wine on your neighbor’s carpet

      ✔ Getting rejected

      ✔ Not getting picked for the sports team

      ✔ Losing an election

      

See Chapter 7 for how self-esteem and anger relate to each other. You may be surprised.

Running into prejudice and discrimination

      In the earlier section of this chapter “Making anger your ally,” we note that a few special historic figures, such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, have channeled their anger and rage into remarkable, world-changing movements. Most people who face discrimination and prejudice feel powerless and unable to change their world. They respond with irritation, anger, rage, or even despair. The nature of discrimination or prejudice can be subtle or blatant. Here are the most common themes of unfair treatment:

      ✔ Racial or ethnic differences

      ✔ Sexism

      ✔ Sexual orientation

      ✔ Nationalism

      ✔ Classism

      ✔ Disability

      ✔ Religious beliefs

      ✔ Appearance (such as height and obesity)

      You probably realize that this list of common prejudices could be endless. Some people even prejudge others based on the TV news shows they choose to watch. We won’t tell you which ones we watch!

      

Anger can be triggered either by being intolerant or prejudiced or being the victim of intolerance or prejudice.

Getting attacked

      Violence permeates the world. Being the victim of violence or abuse naturally creates anger, although some people respond with anxiety and/or depression. Chronic abuse changes victims into abusers in some cases. Abuse takes many forms and ranges from subtle to blatant. The following are broad categories of abuse or attack:

      ✔ Partnership or domestic violence

      ✔ Partnership or domestic verbal abuse

      ✔ Child abuse

      ✔ Assault and battery

      ✔ Rape or sexual abuse

      ✔ War trauma

      ✔ Verbal intimidation

      ✔ Genocide

      ✔ Random violence and accidents

      

Like prejudice and discrimination, you may be the perpetrator or the victim, either one of which may involve substantial anger. Look into your heart to determine whether you’ve been an abuser, a victim, or both.

Tracking your anger triggers

To get your anger under better control, figure out what sets you off. In Table 2-1, we list the broad categories of common triggers. The first column lists the trigger categories.

Table 2-1 Tracking Your Anger Triggers

      Timothy’s anger triggers

      Forty-six year-old Timothy teaches high-school mathematics. His physician tells him that his blood pressure has been quite high lately and wonders if he is under unusual stress. Timothy explains that recent changes in his school’s curriculum and teacher-evaluation system have given him a lot of pressure. He’s been feeling quite irritable as a result. In talking with his physician, he realizes that he’s been berating his students excessively and has lost his joy from teaching. His physician prescribes two blood-pressure medications but also strongly recommends some work on anger management. Doing so may even help him reduce his medications at some point.

      At the second anger-management class, Timothy discovers the common types of anger triggers and is asked to fill out a Tracking Your Anger Triggers form (see Table 2-1). He discovers that his most frequent and problematic triggers are time pressures, threats to his self-esteem (from teacher evaluations), and unfairness because he feels that the curriculum changes are unfair to those who haven’t had time to assimilate and understand them. Just knowing his triggers helps Timothy feel a little more prepared and empowered.

      In the second column, we recommend that you rate each trigger category from 1 to 5 in terms of how often it has occurred for you. For example, a rating of 1 means you rarely or never encounter this anger trigger. A rating of 3 means you encounter this trigger moderately often. A 5 means you run into this problem almost all the time.

      In the third column, rate how problematic the trigger is for you. A 1 indicates you have little concern with this issue. For example, some people just don’t get stressed out by time pressures. Others find time pressure moderately problematic and would rate the item as a 3. A few people blow their stack on a daily basis due to time-pressure problems, and they’d rate them as a 5.

      

Triggers that occur often, and that you feel are highly problematic, represent your personal hot buttons.

      Finding Anger in All the Wrong Places

      In this section, we explore the “where” of anger. After all, anger doesn’t occur in a vacuum; it happens in specific places or contexts. The most frequent place for anger to erupt is in the home. But the initial anger trigger often starts somewhere else.

      Jennifer has a high-stress job as an account executive. Her boss demands long hours and often resorts to verbal abuse. Jennifer steams and fumes when he does so, but she remains silent out of fear that she could lose her job. Unfortunately, she routinely takes her anger out on her children. While preparing dinner, she feels impatient, short-tempered, and yells at her kids. Jennifer’s anger triggers

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