LITMIR.BIZ

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invited if they'll set in a three-dollar seat."

      "It's off, then," says Bessie, and beats it in the guest room and slams the door.

      "What's the matter with you?" says the Missus.

      "Nothin' at all," I says, "except that I ain't no millionaire scenario writer. Twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

      "Yes," the Missus says, "but how many times have you lost more than that playin' cards and not thought nothin' of it?"

      "That's different," I says. "When I spend money in a card game it's more like a investment. I got a chance to make somethin' by it."

      "And this would be a investment, too," says the Wife, "and a whole lot better chance o' winnin' than in one o' them crooked card games."

      "What are you gettin' at?" I ast her.

      "This is what I'm gettin' at," she says, "though you'd ought to see it without me tellin' you. This here Bishop's made a big hit with Bess."

      "It's been done before," says I.

      "Listen to me," says the Frau. "It's high time she was gettin' married, and I don't want her marryin' none o' them Hoosier hicks."

      "They'll see to that," I says. "They ain't such hicks."

      "She could do a lot worse than take this here Bishop," the Missus says. "Ten thousand a year ain't no small change. And she'd be here in Chi; maybe they could find a flat right in this buildin'."

      "That's all right," I says. "We could move."

      "Don't be so smart," says the Missus. "It would be mighty nice for me to have her so near and it would be nice for you and I both to have a rich brother-in-law."

      "I don't know about that," says I. "Somebody might do us a mischief in a fit o' jealous rage."

      "He'd show us enough good times to make up for whatever they done," says the Wife. "We're foolish if we don't make no play for him and it'd be startin' off right to take him along to this here op'ra and set him in the best seats. He likes good music and you can see he's used to doin' things in style. And besides, sis looks her best when she's dressed up."

      Well, I finally give in and the Missus called Bessie out o' the despondents' ward and they was all smiles and pep, but they acted like I wasn't in the house; so, to make it realistical, I blowed down to Andy's and looked after some o' my other investments.

      We always have dinner Sundays at one o'clock, but o' course Bishop didn't know that and showed up prompt at ten bells, before I was half-way through the comical section. I had to go to the door because the Missus don't never put on her shoes till she's positive the family on the first floor is all awake, and Bessie was baskin' in the kind o' water that don't come in your lease at Wabash.

      "Mr. Bishop, ain't it?" I says, lookin' him straight in the upper lip.

      "How'd you know?" he says, smilin'.

      "The girls told me to be expectin' a handsome man o' that name," I says. "And they told me about the mustache."

      "Wouldn't be much to tell," says Bishop.

      "It's young yet," I says. "Come in and take a weight off your feet."

      So he picked out the only chair we got that ain't upholstered with flatirons and we set down and was tryin' to think o' somethin' more to say when Bessie hollered to us from mid-channel.

      "Is that Mr. Bishop?" she yelped.

      "It's me, Miss Gorton," says Bishop.

      "I'll be right out," says Bess.

      "Take it easy," I says. "You mightn't catch cold, but they's no use riskin' it."

      So then I and Bishop knocked the street-car service and President Wilson and give each other the double O. He wasn't what you could call ugly lookin', but if you'd come out in print and say he was handsome, a good lawyer'd have you at his mercy. His dimensions, what they was of them, all run perpendicular. He didn't have no latitude. If his collar slipped over his shoulders he could step out of it. If they hadn't been payin' him all them millions for pitcher plays, he could of got a job in a wire wheel. They wouldn't of been no difference in his photograph if you took it with a X-ray or a camera. But he had hair and two eyes and a mouth and all the rest of it, and his clo'es was certainly class. Why wouldn't they be? He could pick out cloth that was thirty bucks a yard and get a suit and overcoat for fifteen bucks. A umbrella cover would of made him a year's pyjamas.

      Well, I seen the Missus sneak from the kitchen to her room to don the shoe leather, so I got right down to business.

      "The girls tells me you're fond o' good music," I says.

      "I love it," says Bishop.

      "Do you ever take in the op'ra?" I ast him.

      "I eat it up," he says.

      "Have you been this year?" I says.

      "Pretty near every night," says Bishop.

      "I should think you'd be sick of it," says I.

      "Oh, no," he says, "no more'n I get tired o' food."

      "A man could easy get tired o' the same kind o' food," I says.

      "But the op'ras is all different," says Bishop.

      "Different languages, maybe," I says. "But they're all music and singin'."

      "Yes," says Bishop, "but the music and singin' in the different op'ras is no more alike than lumbago and hives. They couldn't be nothin' differenter, for instance, than Faust and Madame Buttermilk."

      "Unlest it was Scotch and chocolate soda," I says.

      "They's good op'ras and bad op'ras," says Bishop.

      "Which is the good ones?" I ast him.

      "Oh," he says, "Carmen and La Bohemian Girl and Ill Toreador."

      "Carmen's a bear cat," I says. "If they was all as good as Carmen, I'd go every night. But lots o' them is flivvers. They say they couldn't nothin' be worse than this Armour's Dee Tree Ree."

      "It is pretty bad," says Bishop. "I seen it a year ago."

      Well, I'd just been readin' in the paper where it was bran'-new and hadn't never been gave prev'ous to this season. So I thought I'd have a little sport with Mr. Smartenstein.

      "What's it about?" I says.

      He stalled a w'ile.

      "It ain't about much of anything," he says.

      "It must be about somethin'," says I.

      "They got it all balled up the night I seen it," says Bishop. "The actors forgot their lines and a man couldn't make heads or tails of it."

      "Did they sing in English?" I ast him.

      "No; Latin," says Bishop.

      "Can you understand Latin?" I says.

      "Sure," says he. "I'd ought to. I studied it two years."

      "What's the name of it mean in English?" I ast.

      "You pronounce the Latin wrong," he says. "I can't parse it from how you say it. If I seen it wrote out I could tell."

      So I handed him the paper where they give the op'ra schedule.

      "That's her," I says, pointin' to the one that was billed for Tuesday night.

      "Oh, yes," says Bishop. "Yes, that's the one."

      "No question about that," says I. "But what does it mean?"

      "I knowed you said it wrong," says Bishop. "The right pronouncement would be: L. Armour's Day Trey Ray. No wonder I was puzzled."

      "Now the puzzle's solved," I says. "What do them last three words mean? Louie Armour's what?"

      "It ain't nothin' to do with Armour," says Bishop. "The first word is the Latin for love. And Day means of God, and Trey means three, and Ray means Kings."

      "Oh," I says, "it's a poker game. The fella's just called and the other fella shows down his hand and the first fella had a straight and thought it wasn't no

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