LITMIR.BIZ

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ain't the same show, you goof!" I says. "They change the bill every day."

      "They ain't goin' to change this eight-dollar bill o' mine," he says.

      "You're a fine stiff!" I says.

      "Call me anything you want to," says Hatch, "as long as you don't go over eight bucks' worth."

      "Jim don't enjoy op'ra," says Mrs. Hatch.

      "He don't enjoy nothin' that's more than a nickel," I says. "But as long as he's goin' to welsh on us I hope he lavishes the eight-spot where it'll do him some good."

      "I'll do what I want to with it," says Hatch.

      "Sure you will!" I says. "You'll bury it. But what you should ought to do is buy two suits o' clo'es."

      So I went out in the kitchen and split a pint one way.

      But don't think for a minute that I and the Missus ain't goin' to hear no more op'ra just because of a cheap stiff like him welshin'. I don't have to win in no rummy game before I spend.

      We're goin' next Tuesday night, I and the Missus, and we're goin' to set somewheres near Congress Street. The show's Armour's Do Re Me, a new one that's bein' gave for the first time. It's prob'ly named after some soap.

      THREE KINGS AND A PAIR

      Accordin' to some authorities, a person, before they get married, should ought to look up your opponent's family tree and find out what all her relatives died of. But the way I got it figured out, if you're sure they did die, the rest of it don't make no difference. In exceptionable cases it may be all right to take a girl that part of her family is still livin', but not under no circumstances if the part happens to be a unmarried sister named Bessie.

      We was expectin' her in about two weeks, but we got a card Saturday mornin' which she says on it that she'd come right away if it was all the same to us, because it was the dull season in Wabash society and she could tear loose better at the present time than later on. Well, I guess they ain't no time in the year when society in Wabash would collapse for she not bein' there, but if she had to come at all, the sooner it was over the better. And besides, it wouldn't of did us no good to say aye, yes or no, because the postcard only beat her here by a few hours.

      Not havin' no idear she was comin' so soon I didn't meet the train, but it seems like she brought her escort right along with her. It was a guy named Bishop and she'd met him on the trip up. The news butcher introduced them, I guess. He seen her safe to the house and she was there when I got home. Her and my Missus was full of him.

      "Just think!" the Missus says. "He writes motion-pitcher plays."

      "And gets ten thousand a year," says Bess.

      "Did you find out from the firm?" I ast her.

      "He told me himself," says Bessie.

      "That's the right kind o' fella," says I, "open and above the board."

      "Oh, you'll like Mr. Bishop," says Bess. "He says such funny things."

      "Yes," I says, "that's a pretty good one about the ten thousand a year. But I suppose it's funnier when he tells it himself. I wisht I could meet him."

      "They won't be no trouble about that," says the Missus. "He's comin' to dinner to-morrow and he's comin' to play cards some evenin' next week."

      "What evenin'?" I says.

      "Any evenin' that's convenient for you," says Bessie.

      "Well," I says, "I'm sorry, but I got engagements every night except Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."

      "What about Tuesday?" ast Bessie.

      "We're goin' to the op'ra," I says.

      "Oh, won't that be grand!" says Bessie. "I wonder what I can wear."

      "A kimono'll be all right," I says. "If the door-bell rings, you don't have to answer it."

      "What do you mean?" says the Missus. "I guess if we go, Bess'll go with us."

      "You'd starve to death if you guessed for a livin'," I says.

      "Never mind that kind o' talk," says the Missus. "When we got a visitor we're not goin' out places nights and leave her here alone."

      "What's the matter with Bishop?" I says. "They's lots o' two-handed card games."

      "I ain't goin' to force myself on to you," says Bessie. "You don't have to take me nowheres if you don't want to."

      "I wisht you'd put that in writin' in case of a lawsuit," I says.

      "Listen here," says the Frau. "Get this straight: Either Bess goes or I don't go."

      "You can both stay home," says I. "I don't anticipate no trouble findin' a partner."

      "All right, that's settled," says the Missus. "We'll have a party of our own."

      And it must of been goin' to be a dandy, because just speakin' about it made her cry. So I says:

      "You win! But I'll prob'ly have to change the tickets."

      "What kind o' tickets have you got?" ast the Missus.

      "Cheap ones," I says. "Down-stairs, five per."

      "How grand!" says Bessie.

      "Yes," I says, "but I'm afraid I got the last two they had. I'll prob'ly have to give them back and take three balcony seats."

      "That's all right, just so's Bess goes," says the Wife.

      "Mr. Bishop's wild about music," says Bessie.

      "Well," I says, "he prob'ly gets passes to the pitcher houses."

      "He don't hear no real music there," says Bessie.

      "Well," says I, "suppose when he comes to-morrow, I mention somethin' about I and the Missus havin' tickets to the op'ra Tuesday night. Then, if he's so wild about music, he'll maybe try to horn into the party and split the expenses fifty-fifty."

      "That'd be a fine thing!" says the Frau. "He'd think we was a bunch o' cheap skates. Come right out and ask him to go at your expense, or else don't ask him at all."

      "I won't ask him at all," I says. "It was a mistake for me to ever suggest it."

      "Yes," says Bessie, "but after makin' the suggestion it would be a mean trick to not go through with it."

      "Why?" I ast her. "He won't never know the difference."

      "But I will," says Bessie.

      "Course you would, dear," says the Missus. "After thinkin' you was goin' to have a man of your own, the party wouldn't seem like no party if you just went along with us."

      "All right, all right," I says. "Let's not argue no more. Every time I open my head it costs three dollars."

      "No such a thing," says the Missus. "The whole business won't only be two dollars more than you figured on. The tickets you had for the two of us would come to ten dollars, and with Bess and Mr. Bishop goin' it's only twelve, if you get balcony seats."

      "I wonder," says Bessie, "if Mr. Bishop wouldn't object to settin' in the balcony."

      "Maybe he would," says the Missus.

      "Well," I says, "if he gets dizzy and falls over the railin' they's plenty of ushers to point out where he come from."

      "They ain't no danger of him gettin' dizzy," says Bessie. "The only thing is that he's prob'ly used to settin' in the high-priced seats and would be embarrassed amongst the riff and raff."

      "He can wear a false mustache for a disguise."

      "He's got a real one," says Bessie.

      "He can shave it off, then," says I.

      "I wouldn't have him do that for the world," says Bessie. "It's too nice a one."

      "You can't judge a mustache by seein' it oncet," I says. "It may be a crook at heart."

      "This ain't gettin' us nowheres," says the Missus. "They's still a question before the house."

      "It's up to Bess to give the answer," I says. "Bishop and his lip shield

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