LITMIR.BIZ

       Work Experience. Show me you've done this work before, ideally at an internship or previous job. Why? Because my time is valuable. I need to make sure I have time for work, watching Netflix, and coitus (that last one takes less time as you age, but I still want the option). Time also means money. I want the highest ROTI on my hires. Remember that ROTI, or return on time invested, is the return on any time expended as valued in dollars. Translation: I want you to do all the work so I can make all the money. The fewer number of hours I need to train you in the basics (i.e., non-revenue generating work), the more time you'll have to make models, pitches, and other grunt work that will allow me to earn the moolah.If you don't have the work experience, you're not exactly out of the running, but it does put you at a huge disadvantage. So be creative. Maybe there's something in your limited resume that can be reinforced in your cover letter. Underscore how you worked hard to get good grades in STEM while at the same time writing about Ponzi schemes for Wharton Magazine. Highlight something creative, even if it's a bit off-the-wall, like creating a PowerPoint presentation where you are the opportunity of a lifetime.To get your juices flowing, I prepared a sample pitch (which you can get if you register on my website²) that highlights a mock candidate, “Mister Perfect,” in the form of a hot IPO. Any resemblance to me is purely coincidental. Feel free to check it out and steal it if you wish.Note that this is a high beta strategy because although there's a chance you appear unique, smart, and innovative, you're more likely to come across as a complete weirdo. But like good ol’ Benny Franks said, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” right?One real-life unorthodox approach comes from Michael Henkin, former senior managing director of Guggenheim Securities. Someone who wanted to work for him agreed to work on a single company pitch as a trial run. This allowed Michael to assess him and ultimately “try before you buy.” It worked. Michael eventually hired him. Talk about betting on yourself!

       Grit and Hard Work. Show me you'll put up with a lot of crap. A metric ton’s worth. I'm talking about working all hours and not bitching. Expect to get last-minute changes from me on a presentation that you handed me a week ago. Or I'll give you my markup a few hours before the meeting and expect it to be flawless. Remember, crap flows downhill, from the CEO client pissed at me because there were errors in the presentation to you who handed it to me five minutes before the meeting. So it better be perfect!One of the best bankers who worked for me was someone who had been a Mormon missionary. It dawned on me that nothing could take more determination than spending years selling God door-to-door in the farthest-most regions of the Earth facing constant rejection by a bunch of heathens. I knew this person would walk through walls to get the job done. Plus, if he was any good at it, not only would he reserve his place in heaven (and maybe pull a few strings for me), but also chances were high that he was a natural salesman, which would bode well for his future rise in banking. I mean, if you can sell God to the damned, you can sell anything to anyone.Personally, I earned my first grit-wings as a janitor at a Safeway supermarket. I was paid a minimum wage of $3.35 per hour to clean toilets, then got chewed out for failing to double-bag groceries. Nothing is more humiliating than feeling you aren't cut out to neatly stack shopping carts or clean all the piss out of a urinal. That experience put me knee-deep in grit. I worked in college out of pure desperation, but my three jobs while still graduating with honors with a dual degree helped me once I started looking for a job. It showed future employers that if I could put up with real crap, I could certainly stomach their metaphorical shit.

       Affinity. Show me that we have something in common. Maybe we're both Houston Rockets fans? Or both watch Pokimane on Twitch? OK, how about being left-handed!? Look for something fun or something you can mock together—school, hobbies, card games, odd habits, anything! But make sure it's not illegal, unethical, or just plain weird. Only your mom will tolerate that you munch on your toenails after cutting them.Sreene Ranganathan, a member of Facebook's Corporate Development team and former Jefferies banker, shared how he first got into banking. When he was in school, by the time he decided he wanted to pursue an investment banking career, he had missed all the on-campus interviews. Undaunted, he did the research and found 107 alumni who worked at various banks and sent customized emails to each one of them. He highlighted recent school activities, figuring it might help him establish common ground with the recipients. It worked! Six answered back and helped him get interviews and, ultimately, a job. Sreene's persistence, coupled with using his noggin to establish some mutual affinity, got him a job.One last point on affinity. Never, ever wade into the shark-infested waters of politics, religion, or race. You might as well bang your head against a landmine in Fallujah. Although it might not be obvious at first blush, you never know if you were dinged from the process because their God told them there were no open positions for Satanists. But if it does happen, look on the bright side. At least you can sue them for asking you an illegal question. Lemon from lemonade!