LITMIR.BIZ

      On the morning of November 1, at precisely nine o’clock in the morning, I noticed that something very strange was occurring on my ranch. It had nothing to do with Plato’s sudden disappearance or with an invasion of wild hogs on the ranch. All that stuff came later.

      It began with a casual observation. I was in my office, as I recall. I had been up most of the night. No, I had been up most of the week. The entire Security Division had been staggering under a workload that would have killed most of your ordinary dogs.

      What was the big deal? Well, it was the fall of the year, see, and we had just weaned our calves. Have we discussed weaning time? Maybe not, but maybe we should. It’s pretty complicated, so pay attention.

      Okay, let’s start with basics. This ranch is what we call a “cow-calf operation.” That means we run mother cows in our grass pastures. In the springtime, the cows deliver their calves, and throughout the summer the calves live on their mothers’ milk. They grow big and strong, the calves do, and then one day in the fall, we round up all the animals in the pastures and separate the calves from the cows.

      The calves are old enough to start eating solid food, don’t you see, and to get along without momma’s milk. And the mommas need some time to rest and put on flesh before winter arrives. This is weaning time. It happens every year and it’s part of nature’s plan for cows.

      So where’s the problem? The problem is that . . . well, you just wouldn’t believe what happens when we separate the cows and calves. You’d think those mother cows would be happy to get rid of their little parasites—who, by the way, aren’t so little. By November, they all weigh four hundred to five hundred pounds. Would you want to furnish groceries for something that weighed five hundred pounds?

      Not me, brother. I’d kick him out and tell him to get a job. But these cows . . . they are so dumb! You know what they do when we cut off the calves? They bawl and grieve. For days, they stand outside the corrals and bawl for their five-hundred-pound babies, who stand on the other side of the fence and bawl for their mommies.

      It’s the worst noise you can imagine. Day and night, honking and moaning, bellering and mooing. Who can sleep through such noise? Not me. Only a rock could sleep—a rock or Drover. Drover seems to be able to sleep through anything, but I can’t.

      Oh, and did I mention the neurotic behavior of the cows? Once we free them from the drain of having to support their calves, they don’t know what to do with themselves, so they pace: from the pens to the water tank, from the water tank back to the pens, from the pens out into the pasture, and then back again. They pace and honk and bawl.

      And when they get tired of doing that, they start doing other things that are really weird. They’ll chew anything. Why? Ask a cow; I have no idea. They’ll chew bones. They’ll chew on rocks and sticks. They’ll chew the boards on the corral fence. Slim even caught one trying to eat a garden hose. Is that weird?

      And you know what else they do? They chase dogs. Honest. No kidding. For the past five days, I had been followed and chased by a hundred and twenty-seven head of unemployed mother cows.