LITMIR.BIZ

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that I’m totally insensitive on this score. My many years of rebound dieting foretell of early wattle. Maybe the Minister will grow to like me and give me a voucher for some cosmetic work in her husband’s luxurious clinic. I plan to age gracefully, but if the nip-and-tuck were a gift, well, it would be rude not to accept it.

      To: [email protected]

      From: [email protected]

      Subject: Roughing it on the Isle

      Hi Libby,

      Bridget Wilkinson refused to come out of her trailer and shoot her scenes today. It all started when the local caterers assumed her request for turkey bacon was a joke. You don’t laugh at Bridget! The executive producer stormed over but despite all the yelling, Bridget never appeared on set. I know how much you love the Diva Report, so I hope you’ll still be able to access your e-mails during your trip.

      Rox

      P.S. I haven’t missed Gavin at all, which doesn’t bode well. I suspect I’ve seen the last of him and his mangy mutt.

      I try reverse psychology on Margo with good results. Fearing she will forbid me to bring the laptop on our journey, thereby cutting off my electronic lifeline to Roxanne, I blithely announce my intention of leaving the computer behind.

      “You must bring it,” she declares.

      “Why?” If she weren’t staring at my shoulder, she’d surely detect the desperation behind the bravado. Rox e-mails often when she’s on location and I’ve been relying on the celebrity gossip more than ever lately to distract me from my woes.

      “Because it will be useful, that’s why.”

      “But I’ll have to carry it around and it’s heavy. It’s not like I need it to write speeches.”

      “You’ll need it to revise the freelancers’ speeches.”

      “Well, okay, but I have back trouble, you know.”

      “You can get Bill to help you carry it, but I’ve made my decision.”

      To: [email protected]

      From: [email protected]

      Subject: Victory

      Rox,

      If they fire Bridget Wilkinson, tell your director I’m ready for my close-up. My superb performance this afternoon convinced Margo that it was her idea to bring a laptop along on our trip. I even managed to look annoyed and resentful when she put her foot down. It wasn’t much of a stretch, since it’s becoming second nature anyway.

      Can’t say I’m surprised about Gavin. Country boys were never your type.

      Lib

      With the trip less than two days away, my worries about rooming with Margo haven’t diminished, particularly as her food issues become more obvious. We’re constantly being offered refreshments at events and on several occasions, I’ve caught her slipping food into her bag for later, presumably because she never goes home. Or maybe she lived through the Irish potato famine in a former life.

      Today I catch her removing a plastic cup covered with a napkin secured by an elastic band from her briefcase (i.e., there was planning involved). In the cup are a dozen large shrimp in cocktail sauce. I recognize them from the buffet table at an event we visited hours earlier.

      “Margo! You’re not going to eat those are you?” I say. “It’s salmonella waiting to happen!”

      “Never mind!” she retorts, slipping them back into her briefcase and stalking out of her own office.

      No wonder we have a rat problem. And no wonder her clothes are often a mess, with stains and her shirttail hanging out. The Minister frequently whispers, “Margo, your blouse…”

      Still, as much as it pains me to admit it, Margo is actually quite attractive. What’s more, for all her compulsive eating and hoarding, she barely tips the scale at a hundred pounds. Maybe she could get me a similar pact with the devil. I imagine she has some pull.

      “Are you drunk, Libby?” my mother asks when I call to tell her we’re shipping out at dawn.

      “No, why would you say that?” I counter, scooping the ice cubes out of my glass so that their clinking won’t give me away.

      “You seem a little withdrawn, that’s all. And you’re slurring.”

      “I am not slurring.”

      “You’d drink a lot less if you had Mrs. Bingham living next door, monitoring your recycle bin as she does mine.”

      “I don’t drink enough to interest the Mrs. Binghams of the world. Worry about my chocolate consumption if you must worry.”

      “You’ve been miserable since you started this job.”

      “I’m fine,” I slur soothingly. “How’s Desdemona doing?”

      “Desdemona? The Binghams’ poodle? Good Lord, she died in the ’70s!”

      “Yeah, but they had her stuffed and standing by the fireplace last time I was there.”

      “That was a decade ago. I’m sure they’ve thrown it out by now.”

      “Her. Desi was a girl. Maybe they sold her at their garage sale last year.”

      “I think I’d have noticed that. I’d have bought her for your father.”

      “He could keep her beside his recliner.”

      “Don’t suppose your diversionary tactics are working, by the way. They may work on your aunt Mavis, but they’re wasted on me.”

      “Not if I’m sober, they aren’t.”

      “So you are drinking!”

      “Mother, you’d be into the bourbon too, if you were facing the week I am.”

      “Never bourbon,” she says. “I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you fear. And when you get back, I’ll make some Nanaimo bars you can take into the office to sweeten Margo up.”

      They’ll be just the thing to tempt her into the rattrap.

      7

      T he Royal Tour is off to a majestic start. Witness this day in the life of the average political speechwriter.

      7:00 a.m.: Libby arises immediately upon alarm, only to have tiny, fleet-footed Margo stampede by into shared washroom and slam door. Boots up computer instead and checks hopefully for e-mails from Rox.

      7:30 a.m.: Showers while Margo throws personal effects into suitcase and races off to all-you-can-eat buffet at motel restaurant.

      8:10 a.m.: Rushes into motel restaurant only to hear Margo announce there’s no time to eat—plane awaits.

      9:00-10:00 a.m.: Another terrifying flight in the provincial crap can with wings.

      11:15 a.m.: Arrival at public school. Royal entourage attends lengthy theatrical production of Harry Potter adventures, tours art and music rooms, and listens to choir recital (songs from Lion King). Lib smiles until gums dry out.

      1:30 p.m.: Lunch in school cafeteria. Mix and mingle.

      Highlight: Student, age 7, asks Minister, “Do you work in a church?” Minister looks annoyed.

      Lowlight: Student, age 7, asks Libby, “Are you pregnant?”

      Result of Lowlight: Baggy sweater destroyed by sundown.

      2:30 p.m.: Departure for school number two. As rare treat, Lib rides with Laurie (Margo evidently has top secret biz to discuss with Minister). School itinerary virtually same as before, except theatrical production is scene from Free Willy. Boy in black-and-white costume flops around the stage as Willy. Choir’s tunes are from The Little Mermaid.

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