LITMIR.BIZ

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      “Maybe try to scout out some more pseudo celebrities. Roseanne will like that. I hear there’s a bar where old cast members from the Real World are put out to pasture.”

      “Whatever.” I hang up. That’s something I never do to Tabitha. I just can’t take the excess drama.

      My parents are delighted about the apartment possibility. Well, I’m exaggerating, my mom dabs her eyes a little and congratulates us in her typical martyrish way and my dad makes some comment about Chinese people. I remind him that Mrs. Yakimoto is most likely Japanese, but it doesn’t seem to register. Thankfully my sister Monica isn’t around to start a political correctness war with them.

      Roseanne describes the entire apartment to me. The things she keeps raving about are the hardwood floors and all the space. It’s unbelievable that it’s so cheap. There are only two other tenants in the apartment building. One above us, one below. We have the entire floor. It sounds too good to be true.

      And we definitely need to get out of Jersey.

      I call Mrs. Yakimoto first thing in the morning. A different kid answers this time, this one is probably nine. I ask to speak to Mrs. Yakimoto and he starts screaming.

      “It’s the lady, the toy lady!” Mrs. Yakimoto comes to the phone.

      “Eve?” She sounds weary.

      “Hi. Mrs. Yakimoto.”

      “Thank you for the stuff. The kids love it. They told me to give the apartment to the toy lady.”

      “Well you should,” I say, pleased.

      “Well, Eve, to be honest, my husband isn’t thrilled about the idea of giving it to two girls. What if something breaks? We’re just not sure about girls.” We’re women, thank you. I will get this apartment one way or another even if I have to sue her for sexual discrimination.

      “Well, Mrs. Yakimoto, we’re very self-sufficient women. Actually, my father owns a plumbing business. He’s really handy. So, really, we’ll never ask for anything.”

      “But, you’re so young, and how do we know you can pay the rent? We have a lot of other interested people.”

      “I know, but we love the apartment. It’s our dream. We will be the best tenants ever. Really.” Mrs. Yakimoto laughs. “We will definitely be able to pay the rent.”

      “What about Roseanne, she doesn’t have a job?” Damn!

      “Yes she does.” Shit.

      “Really?” Fuck.

      “Yes, actually she got a job working here, working for…” Help! Help! “A different magazine, she just found out last night.” Mrs. Yakimoto is silent for a long time.

      “Well. I would like to see a copy of your last pay stub and I need something from Roseanne. Can she get a letter from her employer?” That Mrs. Yakimoto is sharp, depressingly sharp.

      “Of course, I’ll send it right over.”

      “You can fax it to my husband’s office.” The awful Mr. Yakimoto once again standing in the way of all that is rightfully ours.

      Shit! Shit! Shit! I call Roseanne. She has just returned from a grueling run that she starts to tell me about. I cut her off right away to tell her the news.

      “What are we going to do?” She sounds like she’s on the verge of tears. Why must I always be the pillar? I don’t have time to start wondering why; instead I come up with a brilliant plan. “Roseanne, I’ll call you back.” Immediately I call Tabitha.

      “What’s up?” she says, obviously still a little miffed from yesterday. “Wanna have a cigarette?”

      After a lot of begging and pleading and many allusions to how much more I like Tabitha than anyone else in the world (i.e. Roseanne). I get her to agree to be Roseanne’s boss. An idea that I’m sure would be dangerous were it a reality. The letter I type on NY By Night stationery reads like this:

      To whom it may concern,

      Roseanne Sullivan has been hired as an editorial assistant for NY By Night magazine as of November 1. Her expected salary is $38,000 for this year after which she will renegotiate her contract. Call me with any questions.

      Sincerely,

       Tabitha Milton

       Vice President, Creative Development, NY By Night

      It is a vision. I call Roseanne to let her know what her new job is and remind her to be very very nice to Tabitha the next time she sees her. Sure enough, within an hour of getting the fax, Mrs. Yakimoto has called Lorraine, my reference, and left a message on Tabitha’s (fortunately) unincriminating voice mail.

      Although she is pretending to be huffy about it, Tabitha likes the idea of all of this. She calls me and then conferences with Mrs. Yakimoto. I keep my phone on mute so I can hear. Mrs. Yakimoto answers for a change. Tabitha is all professional. “Mrs. Yakimoto, this is Tabitha Milton. You left me a message?”

      “Yes, I wanted to know about Roseanne Sullivan.”

      “Oh, right, she’s our new hire. I wrote up a letter…” Tabitha is doing her Big C frazzled impression.

      “Yes, is she going to make $38,000?”

      “Yes, and probably a bonus that she doesn’t know about.” Wow, we never discussed that, what an actress!

      “Really? Do you know Eve Vitali?”

      “I know of her, but she works at a different magazine. I think she’s a writer, too.” Tabitha will be preparing her Oscar speech after this.

      “They’re so young, how did they get these great jobs?” Good question.

      “Just talented I guess. Is that all your questions?”

      “Yes, thank you.” Mrs. Yakimoto is as impressed with us as I am. We all hang up. I call Tabitha right back. She sees my number and answers on the first ring.

      “You owe me so big.”

      “Tabitha that was great. I’ll buy you a drink tonight—ten drinks, whatever. I’ll never stop repaying you.”

      “True enough,” says Tabitha. “But hopefully there will be men buying me drinks, thank you.”

      “There will be. You are the coolest. I am gushing.”

      “Now let’s hope she gives you the damn apartment.”

      “She has to. She just has to.”

      “Okay, I’m going to leave you alone with your emotions. Come to my place after work and we’ll head downtown.”

      “Okay! Um…”

      “Speak!”

      “Roseanne?”

      “Whatever. She can come, I guess. Just tell her to go easy on the perfume or better yet, change it.”

      This means Tabitha is warming up to Roseanne. It’s only a matter of time.

      Roseanne is just as excited about the conversation. I don’t think she can quite believe that Tabitha would do that or that Tabitha wants her to come out tonight (so, I exaggerated a little, I’m giddy).

      I call Mrs. Yakimoto before I leave for the day. She tells me that her conversation went well with Roseanne’s future employer, but she still hasn’t made a decision. She is going away for the weekend with her family and she will let me know on Monday if we can have the apartment. Apparently it is down to one other guy and us.

      “Well, Mrs. Yakimoto, I hope you make the right choice. We really hope to get the apartment.”

      “Believe me, I know. You are definitely persistent.”

      “Thanks,” I say, not sure if it’s really a compliment, “and have

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