LITMIR.BIZ

      I slide like a ghost toward the bed. It’s huge and truly beautiful, but I wouldn’t dare touch it. I can see the door to the bathroom. I am like an insect attracted by the light. I push open the door to have a look inside.

      I clap a hand over my mouth not to scream. It’s so gorgeous! I have never seen anything so beautiful as this bathroom. All the silver and tiles are shining like diamonds. The towels look so warm and cozy. I need to touch them. I approach them. I reach for them. My skin feels the comfort of them. I turn to the mirror.

      Ah!

      Something is wrong in this bathroom.

      It’s me.

      I see my reflection in the mirror and I am the odd one out. Not only do I look exhausted, I look like an ugly little duckling with a mad hairdo.

      I can’t believe that I have been seen by all those people dressed like this.

      André the porter looks ten times more swish than me. Roxanne must have had a hilarious time with me. I must be her best joke since the invention of the whoopee cushion. She must be talking about me to all her friends—she might even phone Jodie. “Guess who I met on the plane? Your ridiculous daughter. Isn’t she common! She was wearing this ugly dress and hideous jacket!”

      I am about to leave the bathroom when the sound of an alarm stops me. I look around and locate the source of the noise. There is a phone above the toilet seat.

      Wow, you can sit on the toilet and still talk with your friends and family.

      Disturbing.

      I pick up the phone.

      “Hello?”

      “Lynn?” a man’s voice says.

      That’s me, so I say, “That’s me.” No, no, that’s not assertive enough. “This is Lynn Blanchett speaking,” I say loud and clear.

      “Oh, hi! My name is Nicolas Bouchez. I’m the human resources manager at Muriel B,” the man says with a slight accent.

      Oh, God!

      First instinct: hang up, run away.

      Second instinct: hide under the bed.

      Third instinct: change your dress, don’t add disgrace to disillusion!

      “Is everything okay? Are you…satisfied with the room?” he asks.

      “The room?”

      “Muriel wanted to be sure you’d be happy with the room.”

      “It’s…okay.”

      I have to sit down on the toilet. It’s quite comfortable for a chat on the phone.

      “Muriel asked me to welcome you. Check on you. I am downstairs, at reception. You must be starving. Should we meet over lunch? Is there anyplace you’d like to go in particular?”

      I try to think, but I can’t remember any restaurant name from my travel guide.

      “Somewhere vegetarian,” I say.

      Yes, I’ve just decided to be a vegetarian!

      Just like Jodie!

      Anything wrong with that?

      Step #4:

       Silence is your finest conversational tool.

      “Vous avez reservé?” the maître d’ asks while staring at my mad hairdo and, yes, I also do stink of petrol (I’ll come back to this later).

      “Une table pour deux, au nom de Bouchez, ou Muriel B,” Nicolas answers.

      I nod. Whatever those people are saying in French, I’m just going to nod.

      “Muriel B, mais bien sûr, une table pour deux.” The maître d’ is not surprised anymore. The fashion industry is full of crazy-looking, crazy-smelling people just like me.

      Nicolas smiles at me. You see, not a problem, he seems to say.

      Nicolas takes my jacket and hands it to the maître d’.

      Nicolas waits for me to be seated before sitting in turn.

      He fills my glass with water before the waiter beats him to it.

      Nicolas jumps on the table, gives me an extravagant French kiss and orders our appetizers (yeah, okay, I made up that one, too).