LITMIR.BIZ

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ride and was now racing upward towards the final terrifying drop. When had love crept into the equation? It wasn’t a question Sophia was in any state of mind to answer. All she did know was that in one blinding moment of clarity she had been shown the reality of her own feelings. She loved Ash. Hadn’t she read somewhere that women were engineered differently than men by nature, to produce a hormone during sex that automatically forged a unique bond by that woman’s senses and emotions to the man with whom she had shared the experience?

      And wasn’t it the truth that she had already been programmed to love Ash by her own past even if she had genuinely believed that he had killed that teenage adoration with his rejection of her?

      Love. For her husband and their sons. Surely that was something worth fighting for, something worth striving and hoping for? They were already married, and …

      And Ash had sworn never to allow himself to look for love within their marriage.

      But he was here. He had come to her.

      Here in this room was everything in his world that held real value, Ash found himself thinking. Here was everything he could ever want or need because here was Sophia.

      He moved closer to her just as she moved closer to him, an appeal in her eyes that he couldn’t misunderstand. His body certainly wasn’t misunderstanding it. His body was welcoming that soft look of female need she was giving him.

      ‘Ash.’ All Sophia’s pent-up emotion trembled through her voice. Ash was so close to her. He was within touching distance of her.

      ‘Ash.’ She whispered his name this time, and then felt the warm gust of his breath against her lips as he exhaled in response before bending his head to kiss her.

      He wanted her so much. His body was on fire with that need. It had already gone far too long without her, and it hungered for her. As though something inside him had snapped Ash felt his self-control break. Wrapping Sophia in his arms he began to kiss her over and over again, the sensuality of his passion turning her weak with her own response to it as she returned each increasingly deep kiss.

      Unable to stop himself, Ash started to caress Sophia’s body, the full curves of her breasts with their dark crests so clearly visible beneath the fine silk and so responsive to his touch, causing her to make small sounds of pleasure deep down in her throat. Her head was thrown back against his supporting arm as he brought those sweet moans of pleasure from her. He couldn’t wait to take her to bed and complete their lovemaking. His body ached and burned for that intimacy and that release; it dragged out the need racking him so that he could feel it in every nerve ending. He kissed her hungrily, savouring the sweet rich taste of her, the pleasure that lay within the warmth of her mouth, his free hand automatically moving lower over her body and then stilling when it encountered the soft swell of her pregnancy.

      Lost beneath the intensity of Ash’s kiss and her own response to it, at first Sophia couldn’t quite take in what was happening when Ash abruptly stopped kissing her and pushed her away from him, releasing her.

      ‘What is it?’ she asked him shakily. ‘What’s wrong?’

      ‘The twins,’ was all Ash could bring himself to say, his voice terse as he half turned away from her to conceal from her his own disgust with himself. How could he have been so lost to all sense of what it meant to be a father to have allowed his desire to drive him towards an action that might have endangered the twins’ safety and Sophia’s physical comfort? He was disgusted with himself.

      ‘The twins?’ was all Sophia could manage to repeat as she tried to cling to the remnants of her dignity, pulling it around herself in much the same way in which she was now drawing her open robe around her body.

      After the realisation that she loved Ash, his appearance in her bedroom and then her hopes heightened by what had looked as though it was going to turn into intense lovemaking, his rejection of her now was unbearably painful.

      ‘I don’t want …’ Ash began, but Sophia was in no mood to let him continue. Where there had been hope and arousal, there was now disappointment, hurt and anger—the hurt anger of a feisty woman who wanted her man but who was being rejected by him.

      ‘You don’t want me any more now that I’m pregnant, is that what you were going to say? I’m carrying your sons so you don’t have to have sex with me any more, is that it? What about that sexual chemistry between us you spoke of when you were persuading me to marry you, Ash, or did that only exist when you were thinking about me conceiving your heir? Or maybe it’s just that you don’t find me desirable now that I’m pregnant. But whatever the case, I want you to know that coming here and … and … and doing what you did and then rejecting me isn’t the kind of behaviour I expect from a man like you. It’s … it’s cruel and … and unfair.’ Her voice was becoming thick with the tears she was determined not to unleash. Ash was standing with his face averted from her, and not moving at all.

      He was ignoring her, blocking her out, distancing himself from her. Because he didn’t want her in his life at all, really? Because he never had and he never would?

      It was too much for her to endure.

      ‘Did you ever really desire me at all, Ash, or was it just something you forced yourself to pretend?’

      ‘No.’ The denial was ripped from Ash’s throat before he could silence it, the sheer intensity of the emotions inside him that had broken through physically forcing him to turn round, and look at Sophia. ‘Of course I wanted you.’ He wanted her now. He wanted to go to her and take hold of her and show her how wrong she was, but he had her to think of, and the twins. He was a husband and a father-to-be now and not just a man burning and driven by his own shameful lusts.

      ‘But you haven’t been near me for weeks, and just now …’

      ‘I was thinking of the twins and of you. I didn’t want …’ It was so hard for him to admit to any kind of emotional vulnerability but his moral need to set the record straight was stronger than his need to protect his defences.

      ‘I didn’t want to risk hurting them or … or you. You are so small and you are carrying two babies.’

      There was a huge lump in Sophia’s throat. She couldn’t deny the truth she could hear in Ash’s voice. She couldn’t argue against such an obviously genuine explanation. But why couldn’t he have told her that before?

      ‘I’m a woman, Ash. I’m designed by nature to carry your sons safely. And women do have sex when they’re pregnant, you know.’

      ‘I didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks.’

      Yes, she understood his fears. But why couldn’t he have opened up to her and explained what was in his thoughts? He couldn’t because Ash didn’t deal in emotions.

      The warmth she had felt when he had explained why he had stayed away from her had turned to the cold chill of a returning fear that was already worrying her, namely that Ash would not be able to relate emotionally to his sons and that he would keep them at a distance, because he no longer knew how to relate emotionally to others.

      Ash saw the pain darkening Sophia’s eyes and the sadness shadowing her face. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ he asked her.

      ‘I know how much the twins mean to you, Ash, but I’m worried that they’ll never know, because you will never be able to show them or tell them how much they mean to you. I’m afraid that you’ll distance yourself from them in the same way that you distance yourself from me. I know how much that hurts, having a father who doesn’t seem to care. That kind of thing can hurt a child so very badly and make them feel so rejected. A child can’t rationalise that it might just be that a father does care but can’t show those feelings. I want our sons to know the real Ash, the Ash that I knew whilst I was growing up, the kind, understanding, always ready to listen, happy Ash whom I loved so much. I want you to be that Ash for our children, but I’m afraid that they will never know him, because the Ash you feel you have to be now has locked him away and will never let him be free to enjoy his children and to love them.’

      Every

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