LITMIR.BIZ

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childhood kiss with Sarah drifts into my mind, then blows away, escaping through my ear.

      When we get to the hall, its unmistakeable chafed parquet flooring under my feet, the kids are waiting and Emre Bartu wastes no time.

      He claps his hands, a surprisingly effective attention drawing tactic that turns their chattering heads towards him.

      ‘Hello Year Eleven! My name is PCSO Emre Bartu and it’s a real pleasure to speak to you today. We’re usually out on the street, you may have seen us about, so at this time of year it’s just nice to come in and get warm.’

      It’s not the kind of gag I would open with but he’s certainly come in with confidence. He reaches centre stage, the exact spot the headmaster stands to give out end of term awards, where Martin Humball gave his Fagin, and precisely where people were invited to stand and play clarinet or present some kind of talent if their ultimate wish was to be punched by their peers at lunch break. Bartu’s not a natural public speaker, his thumbs tucked tightly under his police vest tell me that. He needs something to hold on to for comfort. But I like Emre Bartu, and they are warming to him, too. Although I’m sure I hear someone mutter the word ‘Tosser’ as he pauses to collect his thoughts.

      ‘So why am I here? I hear you all ask. Well, myself and my friend and colleague PCSO Tom Mondrian at the back there…’ he says pointing to me.

      They turn to look. ‘Friend and colleague.’ Very kind. We’ve only just met. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do at this point. So I put my index and middle fingers to my forehead and salute. I’m not sure why.

      No one smiles. A morass of shaggy haircuts turn back to the stage. I see a grimace somewhere inside Emre Bartu. He falters.

      ‘We… me and Mondrian… PCSO Mondrian… (a cough)… wanted to talk to you about a few things you should be aware of as you lot start to taking your drivey theoring tests. Driving theory tests.’

      He reaches for the bag. He picks up the bag. He unzips the bag and puts his hand inside. I whisper to Miss Nixon, ‘Have you heard this talk before?’

      ‘Six times,’ she says.

      ‘That’s a lot,’ I say.

      ‘Mmm,’ she says. Small talk over.

      He pulls out some goggles from the bag.

      ‘Now, who would like to come and “road test”, these special goggles?’

      No hands shoot up. No enthusiasm reaches fever pitch.

      ‘Come on. Anyone? Or I’ll pick on you.’

      One hand at the front lifts with the energy of something pained and waiting to die.

      ‘There we go. Round of applause please!’

      The sad sound of twelve people clapping in a room of over a hundred. The echoing acoustic is a cruel partner to their dwindling will to live.

      ‘These are my beer goggles,’ he says. Some merciful vocal response occurs. We are underway. Bartu gets the boy to put them on.

      I think about the missing girl.

      Bartu asks the boy to tell us what he can see.

      I wonder whether she’s playing truant; most likely.

      The boy says the words ‘wobbly bodies’ and the kids whisper and laugh.

      I look to Miss Nixon and she looks away.

      Bartu says, ‘The problem is… drink driving is actually no joke.’

      I think about asking her about the girl. My body shifts towards her.

      Bartu looks at me from the stage and doesn’t like what he sees.

      I think about openers: ‘We wondered… I’m interested…’

      ‘Drink driving isn’t a petty offence, it’s life threatening…’

      I settle on ‘Incidentally, is…’ and slot it into the firing chamber.

      ‘… both your lives and the lives of others are at stake…’

      She turns to me. She stares at the scar on my head.

      He speaks while still staring at me. He knows what I’m up to.

      She recognises me from the paper, I think. Unwanted celebrity.

      He speeds up, rushing through the script as we lock eyes.

      ‘This is my old school,’ I whisper to her. She softens.

      ‘… all for the sake of being too lazy to walk home…’

      Her face makes an ‘Oh, right’ expression.

      ‘So next time you think about drinking and driving…’

      ‘Yes. That was a few years ago now, ha. Incidentally…’ I say.

      ‘Remember the beer goggles and think about if you…’

      ‘Incidentally, is the girl that went…’

      ‘…really want to put lives at stake for the price of a taxi home, thank you!’

      Applause. The noise of which ruins our moment. I ask her the question again but the decibel level rises further.

      ‘The girl that went missing, was she…’ I say.

      She can’t hear me. The suddenly exuberant boys and girls seem to be letting off some boredom steam through sarcastic cheering, rather than earnestly thanking Emre Bartu for his performance. But whatever the reason, they’re making too much noise for me to proceed. Advantage Bartu.

      ‘Great! Thank you for listening. Thank you for having myself and PCSO Mondrian.’

      He looks to me to try and cue a simple thank you. This is his tactical error. I step forward and speak at full volume.

      I knew something was going to happen. This is it.

      ‘Right, before we go we’d just like to ask if anyone has any information about the missing girl?’

      Silence.

      A shuffle of feet.

      I sense Miss Nixon’s stony visage in my periphery.

      More silence.

      I scan their stunned faces. Maybe Bartu’s right, maybe I am pretty blunt these days. I make a judgement. I think they had no idea that one of their number was missing, until now. That’s what it looks like. I check just to make sure.

      ‘Anyone at all? Know anything?’

      Emre Bartu’s open mouth comes into focus, making a small dark ‘o’. His eyes are like snooker balls, bare and marmoreal.

      I wait a few seconds. One, two, three. Then someone speaks. But unfortunately it’s only Emre Bartu.

      ‘No? That’s fine. Thank you. Dismissed!’

      They detonate into a flurry of chatter, standing and jostling each other as they start to flow out. Nixon comes towards me and speaks out of the corner of her mouth.

      ‘PC Stevens agreed we shouldn’t tell them about this yet,’ she says.

      ‘Sorry, miscommunication. It’s standard practice to… throw it out there early, you know.’

      Emre is at the back. Trapped as he sees me talking to Miss Nixon.

      ‘I wish you would have told me you were going to do that.’

      ‘Apologies again. He shouldn’t have told you it was possible to keep it under wraps. I can only apologise… on his behalf.’

      ‘So what do we do now?’ She says.

      Emre hears none of this. He can only see our mouths move as he swims through the crowd, smiling, trying to seem in control. He turns for

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