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rom the left OLDSHIRES BANK.

      INT. OLDSHIRES BANK – BANKING HALL – WIDE SHOT – MORNING

      Full window facing on to street.

      Adverts on a wall for different financial services.

      Big display of tropical plants standing in the corner.

      Just a few customers standing at some of the tills.

      Four cashiers behind the glass bandit screen. Working at their tills.

      PAN ON female cashier. MARGARET. Woman in her mid fifties.

      She puts a pile of index cards in alphabetical order.

      Looking at the entrance door through the glass screen.

      MARGARET'S POV

      Woman pushes pram into banking hall, struggles with the door and another customer holds it open for her. Woman smiles and says thanks.

      BACK TO SCENE

      WIDE SHOT – four cashiers at their tills behind bandit screen.

      OUR CHARACTER(V.O.)

      Welcome to Oldshires Bank. It is a small branch – only 8 of us – on the High street of a medium sized market town in the Midlands. I won’t tell you where in case the buggers decide to sue me. I will however introduce you to our staff. After all, it would be impolite not to.

      By the way my name is Sean.

      Man sat at desk in middle of office, early thirties. Going through sheets of computer reports ticking off the entries. SAM.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      First of all we have Sam the assistant manager. Sam is a really good bloke to work with. Really knows his stuff. Dead helpful. His wife is some sort of specialist nurse and works in Dubai most of the time earning a packet. The plan is to save enough dough so she can have a baby without having to worry about going back to work afterwards. Unfortunately his dodgy football allegiances mean he can never be totally trusted. He's a City fan.

      FLASHBACK – EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM – CROWD SECTION

      Football match in progress.

      Sam dressed in blue replica football shirt with blue scarf. Others in shot dressed similar.

      From O.S. OPPOSING FANS SHOUTS "GOAL!"

      Sam and other blues fans groan and shake their heads in disappointment.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      If you want to ruin his day just ask him what was he doing the last time City won a trophy. He was in his pram soiling his nappy I believe.

      SAM'S DESK (BACK TO PRESENT)

      Sam answers telephone.

      SAM

      Good morning, Oldshires bank. Sam speaking. How can I help you?

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      The way City are playing at the moment he will be soiling another nappy in a nursing home before they win another one. Ha! Ha!

      PAN PAST Sam into another room.

      INT. TYPIST ROOM – NEXT

      Thirty something woman sat at a desk wearing headphones and typing. JANE.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      This is Jane the office typist, clerk and chief bottle washer. Basically she can do pretty much every job here and often has to. She was not particularly friendly with me when I got here because she had been promised a promotion and I got the job. That said we get on fine now and she is one of the gang when we go for a beer after work on Fridays. Jane has been engaged to a guy called Nick for 8 years and appears to be no closer to setting the wedding date than when I met her 4 years ago. Not one to rush blindly into things our Jane.

      CLOSE ON Office door.

      Sign says "Mr V.I. McFier, Manager".

      INT. MANAGER'S MR. MCFIER OFFICE

      Open door to reveal a tall gangly figure.

      Manager Mr. McFIER.

      Sat in a comfortable leather chair, feet up on a big oak desk. Talking on the phone.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      This office is the lair of our boss Mr V.I. Mcfier. I was told that the initials stand for Victor Ian, but I am becoming more and more convinced they stand for Village Idiot. Or just Village to those that know him well. He hates me and I hate him. It hardly makes me unique in the office I can tell you.

      MANAGER MR. MCFIER

      Golf on Wednesday? Let me just check my diary.

      Holds his hand over the receiver for a few seconds as if he is checking his diary.

      MANAGER MR. MCFIER

      Well I am quite busy but I think I'll be able to switch some appointments. Shall we say ten o'clock in the clubhouse? Capital!

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      Anyway, Village has been with the Oldshires since they operated out of caves and wolves roamed the local forests. Just a dozen generations later he has already had five promotions and reached the dizzy heights of management. Which just goes to show that lack of ability need never be a barrier to advancement in life. All you need is perseverance. Being a leading light in the Masonic Lodge is certainly not a handicap either.

      BACK TO:

      INT. BANKING HALL – CUSTOMERS SIDE OF COUNTER

      Margaret staring ahead with a distant expression.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      Margaret. Poor Margaret. Recently lost her husband after twenty four years of marriage. No, no he's not dead. She just can’t find him. One Sunday afternoon he went out to buy some cigarettes and never came back.

      FLASHBACK. INT. MARGARET'S LIVING ROOM

      Typical suburban living room.

      Margaret sat on sofa watching favourite Soap opera.

      Margaret's HUSBAND SHOUTS to her from hallway O.S.

      MARGARET'S HUSBAND (O.S.)

      Just off to the shops to buy some ciggies.

      INT. HALLWAY

      Margaret's husband opens the front door and leaves the house carrying two heavy suitcases.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      Coincidentally the woman from the village grocers went missing at exactly the same time and the two incidents would seem to be connected. Let’s just say the authorities do not suspect foul play. Margaret is permanently zombied out on tranquilizers and is perilously close to beheading the next person to tell her that time is a great healer.

      INT. BANKING HALL – CUSTOMERS SIDE OF COUNTER (BACK TO PRESENT)

      PAN ON male cashier. MICK, 19 years old.

      Counting a pile of coins and putting them into his till.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      Meet Mick, a local lad with a great sense of humour. Been with us just over a year. Joined straight from school. Being a United fan and therefore a fine judge of character, Mick can’t stand Village either. Presently living at home and without a girlfriend, he recently confided to me in a drunken moment that he was thinking about buying a rubber doll but was having a problem finding one that looked like Rachael. Nothing wrong with Mick's taste in women then.

      PAN TO next till. Female cashier, seen from customers side of counter.

      RACHAEL, gorgeous 23 years old, chatting amiably to customer (not seen) as she hands over some cash.

      OUR CHARACTER (V.O.)

      Which brings me to Rachael. Ah the beautiful Rachael. Quite simply Rachael is what I go to work for. Just the view of her ass in those tight skirts makes all the crap I get off Village worthwhile. And those legs. Don't get me started on those legs. Alas I fear Rachael and her ruby red lips will remain forever beyond my reach.

      ZOOM ON Rachael's beautiful face.

      OUR CHARACTER

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