LITMIR.BIZ

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the store instead.

      The girl behind the counter looks to be about fifteen years old though I know she has to be at least eighteen to work here and sell cigarettes. She is tall—damn near as tall as me—and built like a pole, straight up and down, not a curve anywhere, her pants threatening to slide off her boyish hips. She is dressed head to toe in black and has dyed her hair to match. The heavy eyeliner around her eyes gives her a sort of punk Cleopatra look, though I doubt Cleopatra ever had tiny hoops pierced through her lip and each nostril. There are multiple hoops in each ear, too, plus two in each of her eyebrows and one in the web between her thumb and fore-finger on each hand. Her belly button also has two hoops in it—one silver and one gold—and through the tight fit of her short black T-shirt I can see that she has a hoop through each nipple as well. Rounding out the piercings I can see is a barbell-shaped stud in her tongue that clicks on her teeth when she talks. I shudder as I think about the piercings that I can’t see and wonder if this is what my niece Erika will look like in a few years.

      I pay for my sludge, the price of which is relayed to me in clicking grunts, and head back to my car. Again I hear the odd rustling sound coming from the Dumpster and again I decide to ignore it, figuring it’s probably a rat. But then I hear a tiny, plaintive cry that freezes me to the spot. A second later, I hear it again—a pitiful cry that tugs hard at my heart-strings.

      I set my coffee on the car roof and against my better judgment, close in on the Dumpster, the smell of rotting food growing stronger with each step. The top of it is closed but there is a smaller door high up in the front that is hanging open several inches. Standing back as far as I can, I reach for it and pull. After waiting a few seconds to make sure nothing is going to leap out and get me, I cautiously poke my head inside.

      About two feet below the hole, between an empty beer bottle and a large potato chip bag, two blue eyes gaze up at me, tiny but lively. At first I think it’s a baby, one of those hidden pregnancy dumps that teenagers seem so fond of these days. Then I comprehend the fur, whiskers, and pointy ears that go with the eyes. It’s a baby, all right, but not a human one. And not John Hurt’s alien either. It’s a kitten: longhaired, gray and white, barely as big as my hand.

      It squalls and mewls, its eyes beseeching me. I reach in to scoop it out and its claws immediately dig into my sleeve and hand. I coddle and shush and murmur, stroking its fur and trying to gently pry its claws from my skin. It quiets finally, but those claws aren’t budging. I realize there will be no escape without blood being drawn, so I do the only logical thing left—I get in my car and drive one-handed to my mother’s house, cursing as I watch my forgotten coffee cup spew its contents all over my back window.

      My pale coloring and Scandinavian features come from my mother, though her hair long ago turned from pale blond to pure white. She hasn’t seen more than five minutes of sunlight in the last decade for fear of developing melanoma and has had every mole that had the audacity to appear on her body promptly removed. Consequently, her skin is so white it’s almost translucent, a detail she uses to great advantage whenever pallor is a symptom of her disease du jour.

      Despite her paranoia and a deep conviction that she must be harboring some dreaded illness, my mother is the picture of health—physical health anyway. She takes a handful of vitamins and herbs every day, eats balanced meals, and hasn’t an ounce of fat on her body anywhere—a trait I apparently did not inherit. My mother treats her body like a temple, albeit a temple she expects to crumble any minute. That’s not likely, however. No self-respecting germ or disease would dare to set up shop in my mother’s body. I fully expect her to live to be 130 or more.

      Unfortunately, her wonderful physical condition is offset by her mental health, or lack thereof. In addition to her hypochondria, or perhaps as a result of it, she has a mild case of OCD—obsessive-compulsive disorder. While the disease can manifest itself in any number of quirky little habits or traits, in my mother it is limited to an obsession with germs. No germs are allowed. They are wiped, sprayed, disinfected, and otherwise obliterated from every surface imaginable. You really can eat off my mother’s floors. In fact, never being one to let good food go to waste, I have done so many times in the past.

      Though my mother is generally happy to see me, today the living fur muff I have wrapped around my wrist tempers her delight.

      “What? Are you crazy?” she screeches, throwing her hands up in disgust and backing away from me. I half expect her to make the sign of the cross with her fingers and hold them out in front of her to ward me off. “Do you know what kinds of diseases cats carry?” She begins to shake. “And…and…that cat-scratch fever thing, that’s nothing to sneeze at, you know. Not to mention that pulmonary disease you can get from cleaning out their litter box.”

      “That’s only a problem if you’re immuno-suppressed and vulnerable to opportunistic diseases, Mom. Which I’m not.” One nice thing about having a mother who’s a professional hypochondriac is that she knows almost as much medicine as I do. I don’t have to talk lay lingo with her like I do with most people.

      I head for the kitchen, grab a saucer from the cabinet, pour a little milk into it, and put it down on the floor. The kitten sniffs the air a second and finally withdraws its claws. I set it down next to the saucer and watch as it steps into the middle of the milk, shakes its foot once for good measure, and begins to drink. Mom draws in a hiss of disgust and I know she will throw the dish away after I leave.

      “Well, what about me?” she says, staring at the kitten, her lip curled in disgust. “You know my aunt Beatrice had lupus and that affects your immune system. What if I have a genetic tendency for something like that?” Her hand reaches up to her neck and she digs her fingers in near her carotid, checking her pulse.

      If my mother can be believed, she has had more aunts, uncles, cousins, and grand-whatevers than anyone else I know, though I’ve yet to see any proof that most of them ever existed. Every last one of these relatives supposedly succumbed to some awful disease—generally something rare, highly obscure, and genetically linked. And if someone in the lengthy family roster fails to fit an awful-disease bill, my mother always knows a friend, a neighbor, or a friend-of-so-and-so’s who will fit. She claims to have seen more cases of rare and unusual diseases than most long-term medical professionals.

      When I was little she regaled me with horror stories about all the bizarre maladies that befell people, first highlighting symptoms that were always vague and general, and then telling me how she’d had just such a symptom herself. I spent the better part of my childhood thinking my mother would take to her deathbed any day. As I got older, I came to realize that Mom was actually quite healthy—she just didn’t have all her oars in the water. By the time I started nursing school, her little eccentricity turned out to be a benefit. Listening as Mom described all those diseases and disorders over the years imbued me with a good bit of knowledge, giving me an unexpected edge in the classroom.

      “Sit down, Mom. We need to talk.”

      She does as I instruct but continues to count her pulse, her lips moving slightly as she ticks off each number. I refill the saucer and accidentally pour some milk on the kitten’s head. It keeps on drinking with nary a pause.

      “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you about David.”

      The hand at my mother’s neck falls to the table with a pronounced thunk and she gapes at me, her mouth hanging open. “What now? Isn’t it enough that you’re divorcing him? I still can’t believe you’re doing that. He’s a doctor. You don’t divorce a doctor.”

      That is #4 in Mother’s Rules for Wives. It weighs in with only slightly less importance than Rule #3: marrying someone taller and heavier than you (easy for her to say since she’s thin and only five foot six) and Rule #2: never allowing your husband (or any man, for that matter) to witness, or even become aware of, certain bodily functions. There are seven more rules—like the Ten Commandments of Marriage—and Mother swears that if you follow them all religiously you’ll have a happy marriage. Whenever I remind her that her own track record of four divorces isn’t much of a reference, she’ll dismiss my objection by mumbling something about lessons learned.

      My response to my mother’s raising

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