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      Introduction

      When God tugged at my heart in 2010, I listened. I didn’t know what God was or how I was even hearing Him, but I knew that I had peace when I obeyed. I was able to begin this process, because I had a husband who was far more spiritual than he or I knew at the time. Jordan has always been soft-spoken and kind. He has always been loving and generous, and after we committed our lives to the Lord, I was able to see him grow into a man who allowed his faith to guide him and take him to spiritual places that I didn’t even know existed. It was because of this faith that we were able to fix our eyes upon Jesus and follow Him in spite of our circumstances.

      We were both able to walk with the Lord through a hardship that I couldn’t see coming and wouldn’t have believed, even if I had been told ahead of time. God didn’t just introduce Himself to us and move on to the next house, He came into our lives and made our home His home. The mercy and compassion that the Holy Spirit showed us in those moments were exactly what they needed to be so that we could walk through tragedy and praise God’s name in the end.

      You may not understand and you may not believe this can even be possible, but I can tell you from personal experience, God is able to take you by the hand and carry you through even the darkest of places.

      Laying a Foundation

      More often than not, a journey begins where another ends. Though we don’t usually recognize these changes, we are often concluding and birthing new adventures throughout our lives. I was not aware that my life was changing when I met Jordan, and I never knew that I could walk where Jesus would eventually call me. In fact, I never really knew what walking with Jesus even was, but that is the beauty of a journey - you really don’t have to know where you’re going to be changed by every step.

      Jordan and I met in 2006 when I was nineteen years old. Jordan was only twenty-one at the time, but already had a two-year-old son named Cason. Almost immediately, we became inseparable, even to the point that, after a few short weeks, I moved in with Jordan and Cason. We both worked full-time jobs and tried to make a life together as best we knew how.

      Learning how to be a couple was a longer process than we might have expected. At first we had love, but that was about it. We were young, so we didn’t have much in the way of money, time, communication, patience, or any of the other things you need to make a healthy relationship. In fact, when I look back on that time, I am amazed that we were able to stand each other at times.

      In my early years, my mom had been in a very abusive relationship with my biological father. She wasn’t allowed to work, wear what she wanted, or go anywhere without his approval. This kind of domination and devastating relationship was what helped to form a strong and determined spirit within my mother when she left him. I saw how she displayed this kind of strength and independence, and I equated it with freedom. I saw how my biological father had held her down, and understood why she would no longer allow anyone to make decisions for her. I never thought that such independence could ever play a negative role in my own relationships.

      It took a great deal of determination to get out of the abuse she had been in, and it was primarily out of love for her three children that she left our biological father. My mom struggled to provide for us the year she was a single mother, but we never went without. There were times when she didn’t take for herself so that she could give to us. I was attracted to this display of strength and dignity that seemed so natural to her. She showed me how a loving mother will sacrifice for her children.

      Shortly after leaving my biological father, my mom met Kendel. He, too, had been in a previous relationship that left him both hurt and a single father. After Kendel married my mother, he adopted all three of us and devoted himself to being a great father.

      I loved having Kendel around as my dad. He worked full-time and did all he could to help around the house. My dad didn’t yell much; he was always so accepting and loving. He loved to tease his kids and was always up for a joke. He was sweet and patient and the one parent you wanted to come to school if you got into trouble. If mom showed up, you were dead meat, but dad was gentle. I don’t know if it was because of the previous relationship that he had been in, or if it was the fact that he had already been raising a daughter, but there was something soft in the way he dealt with us. He knew the necessity of discipline and raising good children, but we would much rather be in trouble with dad than mom.

      My parents made sure to remind us that we were siblings. Not step, no favorites, just brothers and sisters, equal. They expected us to treat each other as though we were flesh and blood and that meant a lot. We were encouraged to love each other as much as possible and see to it that our family was the most important relationship that we had.

      Since my mom had been through so much, she gradually assumed the role of head of home in our new family. She made most of the decisions, planning, cleaning, etc. She was the strongest person I knew, who could work a full time job, run a household, and still find time to enjoy life. I often thought that a Super Woman Award should have gone to her.

      The strength that I saw in my mother was something that I aspired to have. I wanted to be a strong woman and I wanted to be respected. Whether in the home or at work, I wanted people to know that I was in charge and I was not to be trifled with. I also assumed the role of decision maker when any opportunity was presented.

      So when the time came to make decisions for Jordan, I was already trained to be the boss. I stepped in and made sure that my presence was felt. I was demanding and I barked orders left and right. Jordan was never to mention that I might be wrong because he would just get a lecture on how I was right. Even if I realized I was wrong, I would never let him know. I would either hide my mistake or blame him when it all blew up in my face.

      At times, I even used Jordan’s past for an excuse as to why he shouldn’t make decisions. I loved Jordan, but I never saw him as a man who could make his own decision because he had already made so many bad decisions in the past. So even when I didn’t really think my plan was the best, I didn’t allow him to make a decision because there was no way I was going to trust someone else with my future. I was acting like his parent not his partner. Even in instances where I enjoyed what I did, I would never let myself think I was doing it to serve Jordan or Cason. I did it to improve their lives because my way was best.

      For example, through the first few years of living together, the house was always a mess. I hated to clean the house when Jordan and I were there because I wanted to spend time with him - not cleaning. I did most of my cleaning when he was at work, but it would make me so mad when he would not pick up after himself.

      When it was just Cason and him,

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