LITMIR.BIZ

      Twelve years old, in Cape Town, standing at the edge of a cliff, a steep drop and rocks scattered below. Staring at a cliff 1.5 meters adjacent from me. I think I can make it. If I jump, I think I can. If it was on flat ground I definitely could, it would be a stretch from a near standing position, but I could. Why am I hesitating? Is it that the cliff on the other side isn’t flat but round, no place for a foot hold? And the wet looking sand looks a little slippery. Come on I can do it! As I pondered jumping I felt uneasy inside. Oh that must be my nerves, I thought. But what happens if I don’t make it, and miss. I looked down again. What’s the big deal, I die, I die, so what. It’s not like I’m important or valuable. I had a deep void inside me that I couldn’t explain. Anyhow, I thought, there is a high probability I can make it. So I jumped, my foot gave way as I jumped and missed the distance. I slammed against the rock knocking my air out, and started to slide down, scrambling, to no avail. I literally had flashes of my brief life before my eyes and in desperation called out to God.

      Up until that point, I had prayed on and off to God but I never had an intimate relationship with Him. As I sped downwards I stopped abruptly, as if someone stopped me. And then whoever stopped me preceded to push me back up the cliff. Nearing the top I scrambled to safety and then looked around to see who it was. No one was there. I knew that God had just saved me. As I walked away, pondering on just being rescued from death, I couldn’t help but ask the question. Why? “I’m not valuable to You, why me? I’m not going to amount to anything, I’m too shy, too scared, too short, too stupid, I’m always the last pick for anything.… There must be something You want from me.” I heard a voice inside, clearer than any audio voice, saying, “You are important to Me and so are your children.” And as I walked on I believed God had intervened through the prayers of those who were praying for me, my Parents, my Oupa and Ouma.

      From time to time I reflected on that day and wondered if God would speak to me again. Or if I would have the pleasure of hearing His voice again. But my journey for the next 12 years wasn’t in the Lord’s direction, but in my direction. I still had this dark inner void that I tried to fill, it was like an endless pit. I tried to fill it with experiences, acceptance from others, popularity, getting the hottest girls in school, getting money or drinking alcohol. Whatever it was, it never filled the void but made the void more hungry for more of anything. But anything couldn’t fill it. I had people come across my path telling me I was going to Hell because of the way I dressed or the way I acted. I didn’t care about Hell because as I rationalized it, I wasn’t as bad as some and if God was there, He would take that into consideration. Well, so I thought.

      MY LIFE WAS INSTANTLY CHANGED

      One day after mocking a TV Evangelist, like I had often done, something like a hot iron pierced my soul. I felt instantly judged for what I had said. I left the room quietly not to alarm those sitting with me, went into another room, dropped to my knees and with a transparent heart said, “God if you are out there please reveal Yourself to me, I don’t want to live without knowing You?” I got up, it felt like nothing happened but something did happen that day. I had this hunger to seek for God, more like getting to know Him. I started reading a book of the very TV-Evangelist I was mocking, this book challenged me. I was always taught that God was distant, somewhere over there, everyone had the same God but called Him different names, and basically all religions were good if the principles were followed. Yet God was distant from all of them, they all varied in the way they showed love, and none had a guarantee for the afterlife. However this Evangelist painted a picture of God that was very different from what I had been taught. He said that Jesus was the only way to have intimacy with God and He is closer than the air we breathe. What? God is right here in front of me, NOW. And He wants to talk with me, NOW? For the first time in my life this void on the inside of me was excited, like it could only be filled by Him.

      After taking 2 months to read a 200page book, I went down on my knees to talk with this Jesus. I didn’t know how I was going to hear His voice. And frankly if He spoke audibly I think I would have died. But nevertheless I was going to speak with Him not in my mind but with my words. How would I know if He was speaking with me? And what could I ask Him that would convince me that He was listening? Well, if He responded to the very things I asked for, then … that would be a good indication. So if He is the only way to God, He literally can do the impossible, right?! So I couldn’t ask Him for something that was possible, neither was I going to say something like, “Make that table fly.” I thought it was senseless and if He was going to respond to me it needed to be in a way that would be meaningful and beneficial to me. So I did.

      Without giving you the background of my “poor” story - the discrimination I faced because of the color of my skin, couldn’t find a job to match my need for over 2 years, going from agency to agency, leveraging connections to no avail, etc. I asked Jesus for 4 things, 3 related to a job i.e. amount of money, type of work and the flexibility; and 1 related to having the opportunity of going overseas, to a certain place I always dreamt about. Within 2 weeks I received a call for an interview, by this stage I had been to many different companies and even though I didn’t want to go because I knew how they always ended up, I went.

      Sitting in the office and listening to the person, he offered me a position - playing out exactly what I had asked Jesus 2 weeks earlier. How did this person know, or how was this job available? The person proceeded to tell me that there was a potential problem – would I consider transferring abroad for a few months, all expenses paid. This was the exact same place that I had asked Jesus for. Now I was beyond stunned. Driving home that day I spoke with Jesus and thanked Him, yet my mind was telling me it was a coincidence. I turned to my mind and said, “Why didn’t the coincidence happen in the last 2 years before I asked Jesus? This is truly impossible, the odds of it happening exactly what I had asked Jesus for, is astounding. Put a mathematical equation on that! Besides I promised that I would follow Him if He did it.” Arriving home, I was happy about the job but even more excited that I knew Jesus was there and that He actually cared for me by listening to me.

      CHAPTER 2