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      Published 2013 by Etruscan Press

      Cover design by Michael Ress

      Interior design and typesetting by Julianne Popovec

      The text of this book is set in Minion Pro.

       First Edition

      13 14 15 16 17 5 4 3 2 1

      Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

      Mills, Bruce, 1958-

       An archaeology of yearning : a memoir / by Bruce Mills. -- First edition.

      pages cm

       1. Mills, Bruce, 1958---Biography. 2. Autistic children--Biography. 3. Autistic children--Family relationships. 4. Fathers and sons--Biography. 5. Parents of autistic children--Psychology. I. Title.

       RJ506.A9M588 2013

       618.92’85882--dc23

      2013019861

      ISBN: 978-0-98869-222-0

      Please turn to the back of this book for a list of the sustaining funders of Etruscan Press.

       For Mary, Sarah, and Jacob

       and my parents, Herb and Elaine Mills

       Archaeology is our voyage to the past, where we discover who we were and therefore who we are.

      —Camilla Paglia

       I must begin with an account of our starting point and recall and describe the first period, in order that the progress we have made may be better appreciated. By thus contrasting the past with the present, we can determine what ought to be expected from the future.

      —Jean Marc Gaspard Itard

       As long as you yearn, you can’t congeal: there is a forward motion to yearning.

      —Gail Godwin

      AN ARCHAEOLOGY OF YEARNING

Part I — The Imaginary Grid

       Flesh and Blood

Mysteries

Sleeping with Jacob

       Part II — Sites

       Croyden Avenue School

       Flood Plain

       The Wild Days

       Part III — Layers

       The Meltdown

       Goodness

       The Tower Story

       Part IV — Artifacts

       Fallen Fruit

       Clutter

       An Archaeology of Yearning

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      I have received support, large and small, from many people. At Kalamazoo College, I owe a special debt to Andy Mozina, whose close attention to the manuscript as a whole can be felt throughout the book. Along the way, Con Hilberry, Marion Hilberry, Jim VanSweden and Amy Smith provided timely reflections on early chapters. Through annual campus readings, Gail Griffin, Marin Heinritz, Amelia Katanski, Diane Seuss, and Babli Sinha voiced ongoing encouragement. As for those colleagues who have moved on, I thank Glenn Deutsch, Kathy Crown, Lisbeth Gant-Britton, and Ellen Caldwell for their feedback and faith in the writing.

      Over the years, I have also drawn from conversations with many students in my first-year seminar, Autism and Other Ways of Knowing.

      Both indirectly and directly, I have also been fortunate to see my work through the eyes of many writers who, for personal or professional reasons, have found themselves among those on the autism spectrum: Kristina Chew, Debra Cumberland, James Fisher, Vicki Forman, Mark Osteen, and Ralph Savarese. My book is richer for this re-seeing through their experiences and insights.

      During my time at the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference as the B. Frank Vogel Scholar in Nonfiction, I benefited from the feedback of Garrett Hongo, Rus Bradburd, and my fellow nonfiction scholars, Fred Bahnson and Kimberly Meyers.

      A special thanks as well to PJ Mark, who helped me get the manuscript into a shape more fitting for publication.

      I gratefully acknowledge the previous venues for three pieces: “An Archaeology of Yearning,” The Georgia Review; “Sleeping with Jacob,” New England Review; and “The Meltdown,” Gravity Pulls You In: Perspectives on Parenting Children on the Autism Spectrum. I am especially indebted to Stephen Donadio and Carolyn Kuebler at NER for their support.

      To Philip Brady, executive editor at Etruscan Press, who enthusiastically embraced the book and to Starr Troup, managing editor, who clearly understood and effectively shepherded this project to its publication, I also owe deep thanks. You have helped complete a long journey.

      Finally, I wish to acknowledge my daughter, Sarah, and partner, Mary, for their patience and love, and my son, Jacob, whose own love and rituals of living compel me to write and to reconsider all that I think I know.

      AN ARCHAEOLOGY

      OF YEARNING

I. The Imaginary Grid

       FLESH AND BLOOD

       MYSTERIES

       SLEEPING

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