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      Bête de Jour

      The intimate adventures of An Ugly Man

      Stan Cattermole

       For Melanie, with love, and for Ange, with boundless optimism.

      …I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass; I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty To strut before a wanton ambling nymph; I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time Into this breathing world, scarce half made up, And that so lamely and unfashionable That dogs bark at me as I halt by them; Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace, Have no delight to pass away the time, Unless to spy my shadow in the sun And descant on mine own deformity: And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain And hate the idle pleasures of these days

      Richard III, William Shakespeare

      Table of Contents

       Cover Page

       Title Page

       Dedication

       Epigraph

       Introduction

       Chapter Seven Sally Valentine

       Chapter Eight Love is Natural and Real

       Chapter Nine Sick

       Chapter Ten Payback

       Chapter Eleven Everybody’s Free (to Wear A Paper Bag)

       Chapter Twelve Everybody’s Blogging Nowadays: no Hard Feelings

       Chapter Thirteen Lost Weekend

       Chapter Fourteen Life & Death

       Chapter Fifteen Love Handles

       Chapter Sixteen Bad to the Bone

       Chapter Seventeen Brains

       Chapter Eighteen Welcome to Peckham

       Chapter Nineteen Snapshots

       Chapter Twenty Pablo, Pablo, Burning Bright

       Chapter Twenty-one a Fresh Start: Audrey Tautou

       Chapter Twenty-two Speed Dating: Our Time is Running out

       Chapter Twenty-three Bestial Oblivion

       Chapter Twenty-four Fuck Buddies

       Chapter Twenty-five Act of God

       Chapter Twenty-six Box of Frogs

       Chapter Twenty-seven Love 2.0

       Chapter Twenty-eight London to Brighton

       Chapter Twenty-nine all That David Copperfield Kind of Crap

       Chapter Thirty Turn and Face the Strange

       Chapter Thirty-one My Parents and Other Anomalies

       Chapter Thirty-two There is No Sanity Clause

       Chapter Thirty-three His Name is Stanley Cattermole

       Chapter Thirty-four Glad all Over

       Chapter Thirty-five Wee Timorous Beasties

       Chapter Thirty-six Positive Mental Attitude

       Chapter Thirty-seven Throw Your Arms Around the World

       Chapter Thirty-Eight the Scottish Play

       Chapter Ninety-Nine Hidden Track: Ps I Lied to You

       Acknowledgements

       Copyright

       About the Publisher

      A WORD ABOUT THIS BOOK

      This book was born of a blog. The blog was born of a dream. The dream was born of a desperation to change things. And the good news is, it worked. Things have changed. My life is now wholly positive and I will never frown, curse, spit, swear, scream, or suffer an overwhelming

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